hUMOR For Feb. 20th

"Couple Descriptions"
Even mismatched couples may described kindly.
1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If may have sent this before I can’t remember.

An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there're bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

"Did god make you?", she asked.

"yes" he answered.

"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.

"yes", he replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.(hairs)

FhUMOR For Feb. 19th

"Chewed Out"
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"
"Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miracle Cure?

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of
arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady,
almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her
head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this
rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You
walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Appearances "
On Houston Street, a young priest saw a large sign over a hardware store: PINCUS AND O'TOOLE, and went in, to be greeted by man with a beard and yarmulkah.
The priest smiled, "I just wanted to come in and tell you how wonderful it is to see that your people and mine have become such good friends - even partners. That's a surprise!"
"I've got a bigger surprise", sighed the old man. "I'm O'Toole."

hUMOR For Feb. 18

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Putting"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Danny was in the digging spot filling in a hole when his Thelma Hoch came over and watch for a moment. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was doing, she politely asked, "What are you doing there, Danny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Danny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The Mrs. Hoch was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last shovel-full of dirt and replied, "I needed a big hole because my fish is inside your cat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you
know...when...you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring
ahead.

"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you
want to be buried? Cremated?"

There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

hUMOR For Feb 17th

Big White Circles

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

hUMOR For Feb 17th

Big White Circles

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Message Break"
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The best time to make friends is before you need them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dying"
The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one
requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at
6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we
wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant
yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four
miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge,
"we should reach the starting point any minute now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy Me a Mink?

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on
one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

hUMOR For Feb. 16th

Jack's Will

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads
Jack's last will and testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one
million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the
Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my
brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than
wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cub Reporter"
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.
The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:
"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Magician's School "
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.
They were all trick questions.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.

An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell
and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been hard at
work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.

As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he
suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring .... then....

"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long
distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Disappearing Husband"
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big White Circles

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"

hUMOR For Feb. 15th

What NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide
the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on
the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If You Love Someone"
Pessimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person:
If you love someone don't set her free.

HR specialist:
If you love someone set her free by offering her VRS and other benefits then outsource her.

MBA:
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.

Psychologist:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

ERP functional expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back, map her into your system. If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The highest type of heroism is not the courage and nerve of the warrior facing the foe, but the courage to face the daily issues of life, opposing wrong and upholding right."
- Roswell C. Long
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "Leadership "
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke
up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it
means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and
gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The
meaning of dreams."

-=+=-

Note to the guys:

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's
day. Like open the door for her when she puts all the
laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the
vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning. Guys, it's
these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage
such as mine.

hUMOR For Feb. 14th

"Collectable Receipts"
An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What men don't get.

Valentine's day is a test.

Women have been studying for years. We even have study
groups.

Men should study. . .

1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her
friends got flowers at work . . . did she look wishful?

2. She is watching TV . . . a jewelry ad comes on . . . did
she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were
selling?

3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention
something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see
what it was?

4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get
teary-eyed at Hallmark commercials?

The majority of women will give you the answers to the test
if you study. Hint: Pay attention!

But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take
the make-up test!

Received from Janet Crews.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAMES FOR OLDER SIBLINGS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions sh outed into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
GAMES FOR OLDER SIBLINGS:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions sh outed into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.


This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the
outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to
me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting
the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp.

hUMOR For Feb 13th

"Collectable Receipts"
An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.
So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What men don't get.

Valentine's day is a test.

Women have been studying for years. We even have study
groups.

Men should study. . .

1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her
friends got flowers at work . . . did she look wishful?

2. She is watching TV . . . a jewelry ad comes on . . . did
she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were
selling?

3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention
something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see
what it was?

4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get
teary-eyed at Hallmark commercials?

The majority of women will give you the answers to the test
if you study. Hint: Pay attention!

But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take
the make-up test!

Received from Janet Crews.

hUMOR For 2-12-06

New School Term

The start of the new school term always brings out the most
interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The
predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and
how to access the "Information Highway."

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office
yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to
get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him
where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign advertising the concert said, 'begins@7:30PM'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Country Preacher

There's a story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son and it was getting time that the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up."

He analyzed the situation ...

If he picks up the Bible, I'll know he's gonna be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, I'll know he's gonna be a businessman and that would be okay too.

But if he picks up the bottle, I'll know he's gonna be a drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious look in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink as the old preacher looked on in horror ......

"Lord have mercy," the old man cried, "He's gonna be a Democrat politician!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet
that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful -- we never even felt
hungry!

But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it.
Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine
print, was: "Serves 6."

hUMOR For Feb. 11th

NMF...

A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates
would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I replied. Then I
asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I said,
"NMF? Is that 'N' as in Nancy, 'M' as in Mary, and 'F' as in Frank?"

"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters
that it's also 'N' as in Not, 'M' as in My, and 'F' as in fault?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Noise Abatement"
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Visa is everywhere you want to be except out of debt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tomb Visit"
"I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The
pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm
reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was
obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've
been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have
some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more
faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those
white canes?"

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head
with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more
faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"In Heaven "
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say.
"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."
That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."

hUMOR For Feab. 10th

Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and
Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal
with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better
days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over
again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's
after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Some things to think about

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the
sails.

There is nothing noble in being superior to someone
else; the only real nobility is in being superior to
your former self.

Education is what you get when you read the fine
print, experience is what you get if you don't.

Some think it's holding on that makes one strong,
some time it is better to let go

Worry is the misuse of imagination.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Why, Oh Why, Oh Why?

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10. Why are there still apes, if people evolved from
apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: JUST CURIOUS

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how
old would you be if you let go?"

THE TITHING

A little boy in church for the first time watched as
the ushers passed around the offering plates. When
they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

THE BLESSING

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a
good cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Catholics in Las Vegas

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers
at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips
from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in.

This is done by the chip monks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern woman appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
"Y'all comeback!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and
August:
Summer tans
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their
hearts:
Fried GreenTomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with mom's homemade
jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with
Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta(Addlanna)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends
are fahevah!

Now.......Shugah, send this to some girls who were
raised in the South or wish they had been!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!

hUMOR For Feb. 9th

Batman

I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his
new girlfriend, Dorothy.

While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said
that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.

I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed
and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives".

I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was
serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you
think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"

She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
FACT: Spyware and Adware programs on the Internet
can infect your PC.
Here are 9 warning signs that indicate
your computer is most likely infected:
http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm


Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org

Today's CleanLaugh - "Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

Today's Oneliner
"Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know."


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Animal Bites"
The African chieftain was so merciful that, when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of all animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, it went down in history as the first time in the memory of mankind that a reign was called on account of game.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders
the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast-iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Can You Figure these Out???

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded
guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it
a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!

ANSWERS:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in
the English language, does not appear once in the long
paragraph
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Secret Thoughts of Doctors

What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of
right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is
hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see
if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The
good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste
of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for
another office visit.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a
forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a
paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm
going to throw up.

"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients
bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" --
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?

"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped
me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure
out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.

"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the
third one this week! I'd better learn something about
this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.

hUMOR For Feb. 8th

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.

The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when
suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone
just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut Plan"
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Using Your Head"
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Trying to Manipulate God "
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
Featured *Illustration* items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LESSONS ON LIFE

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons
to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent
them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a
pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the
spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in
the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them
together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and
twisted. The second son said no it was covered with
green buds and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with
blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so
beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it
was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all
right, because they had each seen but only one season
in the tree's life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a
person, by only one season, and that the essence of
who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when
all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the
promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer,
fulfillment of your fall.

Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of
all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better
times are sure to come some time or later.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:

1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is
falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look
astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop
digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they
were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the
hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents
in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's
the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include
a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have
put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and
run. (he hates that.)
23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why
does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're
wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick &
the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other
toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're
everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has
the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is
the depth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Growing Older

A little more tired at the close of day,
A little less anxious to have our way,
A little less ready to scold and blame,
A little more care for a brother's name;
And so we are nearing the journey's end,
Where time and eternity meet and blend.

A little less care for bonds or gold,
A little more zeal for the days of old;
A broader view and a saner mind,
And a little more love for all mankind;
And so we are faring down the way
That leads to the gates of a better day.

A little more love for the friends of youth,
A little more zeal for established truth,
A little more charity in our views,
A little less thirst for the daily news;
And so we are folding our tents away
And passing in silence at close of day.

A little more leisure to sit and dream,
A little more real the things unseen,
A little nearer to those ahead,
With visions of those long loved and dead;
And so we are going where all must go
To the place the living may never know.

A little more laughter, a few more tears,
And we shall have told our increasing years.
The book is closed and the prayers are said,
And we are part of the countless dead;
Thrice happy, then, if some soul can say,
"I live because of their help on the way."

by R. G. Wells

hUMOR For Feb. 7th

When the office printer's type began to grow faint (this was
one of the old dot-matrix printers), the office manager
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him
that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because
the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the
manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the
job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager
asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to
fix things themselves first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immutable Laws

When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one
hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von
Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or
glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has
happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you've probably
forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing
his, it's probably because you have not realized the
seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only
change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party
hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call
you've been waiting for all day will arrive.
(Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth
your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law
of Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it
is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of
pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's
clothes is directly proportional to the need to be
clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause
the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause
the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost
of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you
will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal
Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late,
everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end,
you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute
Certainty)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: HARVARD READING TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of
age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is goat cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down and I betcha you can't resist
passing it on.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCF: Locksmith Revenge

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a
group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car
on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith
picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and
re-locked the car.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Copyright Explained

When you write copy you have the right to copyright
the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however,
your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you
write religious services you write rite, and have the
right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have
the right to copyright the right copy they write. A
right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the
right to copyright the right rite he has the right to
write. His editor has the job of making the right rite
copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then
Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the
right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy
Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which
Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A.,
Whittier Chapter If you wish to copy or write this be
certain to copy right the copyright.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Hypnotist



The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most
hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch.."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

hUMOR For Feb. 6th

"Senior's Ode to Medication"
A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams,wherein visions of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air
by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Soup Solution "
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's CleanQuote
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little


Thanks to Phil Ittenbach for today's Illustration.
- "Who Started Christmas?"
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, ?Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.? From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, ?Don't worry. We already crucified him.?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior Ailments
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I work 40 hours a week to be this poor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Parties
What are the three great American parties?
Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware.

hUMOR For 2-5-06

Wedding Vows

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my
Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take
this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three-man Business Account

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a
want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by
a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man
said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my
worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I
don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will
be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does
the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man
exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum
like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J&GB -- An 80 year old woman was arrested
for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did
you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can.

She replied, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas... "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is the Post Office?

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of
a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office
is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down
the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to
church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on;
you don't even know the way to the post office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Benefits Of The Company Car

1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.

2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the
private car.

3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of
private cars.

4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never
have to be checked.

5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an
ashtray.

6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.

7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil
warning light flashing.

8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the
weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other
building material.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio.

11. It needs no security system and may be left
anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road
in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush
for a closer look.

13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques
and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

hUMOR For Feb. 4th

City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.

"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch

In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.

The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!

So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.

He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.

On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.

They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.

No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.

Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."

A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.

For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?

The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"

Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!

Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;

For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.

Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."

Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;

And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."

"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."

When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!

This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".

He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...

Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"

The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.

So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.

And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!

He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)

They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...

I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.

And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!

Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!

hUMOR For Feb. 4th

City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.

"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch

In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.

The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!

So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.

He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.

On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.

They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.

No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.

Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."

A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.

For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?

The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"

Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!

Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;

For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.

Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."

Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;

And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."

"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."

When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!

This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".

He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...

Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"

The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.

So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.

And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!

He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)

They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...

I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.

And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!

Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!