hUMOR For August 22nd

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
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Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
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REDNECK CHALLENGE

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.

I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
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But, Of Course!

A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
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A LITTLE HUMOR;

Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?

COULD THIS BE YOU ?

My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,

THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:

To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.

THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.

hUMOR For August 21st

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Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
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NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Sí, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

hUMOR For August 20th

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Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
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Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.

One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.

(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)





Answer Below:

Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer

I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
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Tribute to a Friend

Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.

Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.

At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...

When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...

Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.

Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.

How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.

When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.

I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.

Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES

A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.

A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"

hUMOR For Aug. 19th

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While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945

Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
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FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
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A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"

hUMOR For August 18th

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Prison Riot

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,
"I would like to know two things.

First: Why did you revolt?

Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food
is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."
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Deep In Prayer

A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify
me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"
********************************
Phone

There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that
we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent
this morning and saw the house we had looked at last
year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property
... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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18 Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
On the wall of a Baltimore Estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law - Sisters of Mercy."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Safety
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
********************************
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
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If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it tooslowly.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries allcount as fruit, so eat as many as you want.The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hotcar. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge offyour appetite and you'll eat less.A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of caloriesin one place. Isn't that handy?If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But ifyou can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolateto protect themselves.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that abalanced diet?Money talks. Chocolate sings.Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?A. Because no one wants to quit.If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.An entire garment industry would be devastated.Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. Thatway, at least you'll get one thing done.
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A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
********************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

hUMOR For Aug. 17th

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True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.IRS: Are you married?Caller: Well, sort of ....IRS: What?Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.IRS: What does it say?Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.IRS: Both. It's the same amount.Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
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CleanQuote.
"The telegraph is like a very long cat; you pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los Angeles. Radio operates the same way, but without a cat." - Albert Einstein
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Old Photos

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.

When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
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Here is today's Illustration. - Sacrifice
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor said.
"Well, Reverend", the farmer replied,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
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A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.

In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to
him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through
our wives."

My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

Received from Brian Moccia.
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Veterinary Clinic

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult
to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto
talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the
last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."

hUMOR For August 16th

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Thunderstorm Plea
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Thesaurus
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
********************************
Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....

We were born before television, before penicillin, before
polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.

We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.

We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.

In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had
one) was 11 cents a gallon.

In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT
was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today.

BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
********************************
Old Photos

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.

When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
********************************
Fruit Stand

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of
fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in
a separate piece of
paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
********************************
"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.
" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "
********************************
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?

hUMOR For August 15th

********************************
Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
********************************
"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are
easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
and believe in them.

Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression,
World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,the Korean War,
The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.


Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front
of women and children and they don't like any filth on
TV or in movies

Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag
unless it's about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the
young men and women in the military serving their
country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!
********************************
The Lighter side of Good Advice and observations!

If you can't be kind, at least have the courtesy to be
vague.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Did you ever know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are
XL?

It's been said that if you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

There's a lot to be thankful for if you look for it.
I was just thinking how nice it is wrinkles don't
hurt, they only hurt the mirror!

Did you ever notice that when you put the words "the"
and "irs" together it spells "theirs?'

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
********************************
There is nothing like a good long walk especially if the person taking it is someone you want to get rid of.
********************************
Why did Texas choose Orange as their team color?...... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up the trash along the highways the rest of the week.
********************************
TEXAS HOSPITALITY

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared
to land eastbound on runway 9R."


Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"


Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."


Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R.
Allah is Great."


Pause: Static..............

Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"


Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"


Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya
hear?"
********************************
Subject: Grandma

Here goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping... uh.. you know.... on top of
each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."That's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony seemed satisfied, just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily with
hand on hip:"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual
intercourse! It's called bunk beds !"
********************************




BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon
completion

of
the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager
went
to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to
give
the
Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a
Southern
boy,
I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,

but
rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than
the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee
put
down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."


(It don't pay to cheat)
********************************
Dictionary of Southern Medical Transcription TermsArtery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die. Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................ A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate........................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula........................... A small lie. Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates. Node............................ I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis. Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier. Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash. Secretion....................... Hiding something. Seizure........................... Roman emperor. Tablet............................ A small table. Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... .One plus one more. Urine............................. Opposite of you're out. Varicose........................ Near by/close by

hUMOR For August 14th

Blue Pill

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
********************************
Mechanic?

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
********************************
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
********************************
005 Revised Bill of Rights

The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:

ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.

ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!

(lastly . . . )

ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"

hUMOR For August 13th

********************************
Positive Start
How to start your day with a positive outlook.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Library Glasses
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
********************************
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
********************************
Hang glider

In Arkansas, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding.

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He
took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off
running and reached the edge. Into the wind he went.

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch
swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spotted
the biggest bird she had ever seen !

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw !" she exclaimed.

Paw raised up," Git my gun, Maw."

She ran into the house, and got out his pump shotgun.
He took careful aim. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! The
monster size bird continued to sail silently over the
tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw." she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

**************
Thanks to Marti -- An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was
walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the
casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right
towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His
heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me
as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear
a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the
sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought
both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

hUMOR For August 12th

********************************
Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a
truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and
heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We
had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
********************************
e will water the thorn for the sake
of the rose. ~Kanem proverb

Prevention is a very important part of diabetes
self-care. We want to prevent the complications of
diabetes. But prevention is not the whole picture.
Can you imagine getting out of bed in the morning,
stretching, and saying: "Well, another day to prevent blindness"?

Beyond prevention of early death, disability, and
disease, there is the promotion of life, health, and well-being. The reason we eat nutritiously, take medication (if prescribed), exercise, and monitor blood glucose is so that we can enjoy life.
********************************
High Philosophy...

I had amnesia once -- or twice, I can't remember.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now
what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem
begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?
********************************
Do you remember?

In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were
kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

2. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were
kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

4. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown
up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked
and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and
thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and
a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was
murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

8. In 1993 the WorldTradeCenter was bombed the first
time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

9. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania
were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild
Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were
used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers
and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US
Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in
Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The LutheranChurch
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and
murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

The answer to all of the questions is d.

How did you do?

EDITOR'S NOTE: While some might think that racially
unfair and etc., for whatever you might say about it
one thing is sure: it is accurate. Perhaps we need
to do a bit of re-thinking some of the PC assumptions
about us...
********************************
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Prayer
A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.
"Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"
"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
********************************
PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

hUMOR For Aug. 11th

********************************
Worm Stubborn

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for
days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No
luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look
young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you
have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have
some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I
want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!"
said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a
loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many,
just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that
the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr.
Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely
managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
********************************
The river is a wonderful book with a new story to tell everyday.~Mark Twain

Life provides many classrooms.....from libraries and
schools to rivers and mountains. The river is my
favorite classroom.

Whether the river takes us to towns, festivals, or
fishing, there are stories to hear at every bend.
But, when we are very still and watch the river and
listen carefully, we hear our own stories.....welling
up from the river within us.

"The river has taught me to listen; you will learn
from it, too. The river knows everything; one can
learn everything from it." ~Herman Hesse
********************************
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.

My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.

"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting, only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
(There were a good twenty rules.)

The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play
without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the
picnic table.

Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!

I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.

"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule
anymore!"
********************************
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said,
"Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say,
"Honey, it's for you......someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
********************************Finished Chores My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say 'Don't trust anyone over 30.'"****************** *Here is today's CleanPun. - Collie* One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, ... "Come to me, my melon collie baby."
********************************
Bubba and Billy Bob, from Lower Alabama, traveled to Asheville, NC,
for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street they see a sign in a store window: "Suits $5.00 --- Shirts --- $2.00 --- Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Bubba says to Billy Bob, "Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob of
these clothes, take 'em back to Lower Alabama 'n sell 'em to all our friends 'n make a fortune fer us." Bubba continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're iggerant. I'll talk wif a slow Carolina drawl so's they won't know."

In they go and Bubba says with his best fake Carolina drawl, "I'll take 50 of them there suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Lower Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How'd you come to know dat?"

"Cause dis here's a dry-cleaner's."

hUMOR For Aug. 10th

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
********************************
Automation?

With HIPAA regulations in full force, this hospital IT technician reminds
users that when they print reports containing patient information, those
reports can't be left in the printer tray. "They must be either secured
under lock and key or shredded," he says. But one user has a problem: "I
don't always have time to pick up my reports from the printer. Is there any
way I can set up my PC so I can send my documents directly to the shredder?"
********************************
THE WAY IT WAS BACK THEN !!!!!!!!!!! AND THIS IS THE TRUTH!!!!!!
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli?Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.We all took gym, not PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training ath letic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option. Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it.Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Stations, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a half mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.Oh yeah . and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacantconstruction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids called it "monkey blood" and liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough, it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play, and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that m owers came with motors until I was 13, and we got one without an automatic blade-stop and it did not have powered wheels. How sick were my parents?Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?Think about it before you laugh, this is not a joke, it's the way it was in the good old days...
********************************
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So your Honor, I can not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
********************************
My friend Mary used to plant daffodils
in the woods behind her house.....not in a row, but at
random. Always, it was a delightful surprise to spot
them. She called me one day and said simply, "What a
wonderful day to be a daffodil."

My imagination did the rest. I pictured myself as a
daffodil gently bobbing in the breeze. Stress was
gone. I smiled all day whenever I thought about being
a daffodil protected by the surrounding woods, gently
kissed by streaks of sunlight, and tickled by gentle
winds. Although we don't have wings to carry us, we
do have imagination.
********************************
Economics Exam
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Be more like a child today, for children sing whether they sound good or not."
********************************
Foolishness
On the Upper West Side lived a man who was a very militant atheist but he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its Christian roots, it was a great school. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God and we don't believe in Him!"
********************************
Skipping church Elder Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to deliver the sermon for him that day. After Elder Norton was certain the Associate Pastor left for church, he headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his local church. Setting up on the first tee, he was absolutely alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and all the good church people he knew were in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Elder Norton hit the ball … it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell? Nobody’s going to believe a story like this from a golfer with a 23 handicap!"

MORALE: Only liars must remember what they lied about and can never set things straight without admitting to being a liar!

hUMOR For Aug. 9th

********************************
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase." - Henny Youngman
********************************
CleanPun. - Ice Cream
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came around and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
********************************
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
********************************
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
********************************
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest
looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had
said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any
longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
********************************
Who's On First" -- new version

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?


Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?


Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name
of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I
thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of
the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use
a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get
me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
********************************
DEAD MULE

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning
and discovered a
dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the
police referred the
preacher to the health department. They said since
there was no health
threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the
mule without
authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager
to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal
with, but the
preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to
rant and rave at
the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your
job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the
Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor,! it is my job
to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

hUMOR For Aug. 8th

********************************
One Call
The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
********************************
Gospel Preachers: How can you tell
that Peter and John were gospel preachers?
Because when the lame man asked for money Peter said
"silver and gold have I none".
********************************
Show and Tell: A kindergarten
teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to
share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and
said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is
a Star of David." The second student got up in front
of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a
Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got
in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
********************************
TRAVELING CHRISTIAN LADY

There was a Christian lady who had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so she did a lot of
flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took
her Bible along to read. It helped her relax. One time
the man next to her gave a little chuckle when she
pulled out her Bible. After a while he turned to her
and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in
there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do.
It's the Bible." He said, "Well what about that guy
that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh,
Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He
asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that
time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't
really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I'll ask
him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
********************************
BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Local Self-Help Network Needs Assistance

Altoona Church Wins Big in Ugly Girls Basketball Game

Take precautions with elderly in heat.

Following lunch, Martha Helms will offer a brief
motivational presentation on how to be goat-oriented
in everyday life.

Our Wednesday Night Service will feature a special
presentation on Guardian Angles.

Sister Lucy has requested prayer for a death in her
family.
********************************
THE CONGREGATION REPLIED

Down in the south, there are many churches known as
"answer back" churches. When the preacher says
something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would
take for the church to become better. He said "If this
church is to become better, it must take up it's bed,
and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk,
Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If
this church is going to become better, it will have to
throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation
replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If
this church really wants to become great, it will have
to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher,
let it fly!" the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to
fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let
it walk."
********************************
OU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY'S KID
WHEN...

You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"

You speak two languages, but can't spell either.

You flew before you could walk.

You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words
mean.

You have a passport, but no driver's license.

You watch National Geographic specials and recognize
someone.

You have a time zone map next to your telephone.

You don't know how to play Pac-Man.

Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..."
five times.

You speak to different ethnic groups in their own
language.

National Geographic makes you homesick.

You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.

You don't know where home is.

You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You sort your friends by continent.

You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.

You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get
big.

You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any
postal service.

You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.

You know what REAL coffee tastes like.

The majority of your friends don't speak English as a
first language.

Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the
sport wrong.

You realize what a small world it is, after all.

You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you
don't have to read the subtitles.

You know how to pack.

All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin
roof.

hUMOR For Aug. 7th

********************************
Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to
explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep
hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here
and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the
furniture."
********************************
This is for you long winded preachers
out there - you know who you are

Seems that during a particularly long sermon a man got
up and began to leave the building.

The preacher called out "Sir? Where are you going? I'm
not finished with the sermon."

The man replied, "I'm going to get a hair cut."

The preacher then asked, "Why didn't you get it cut
before you came to services?"

The man slowly replied, "I didn't need one then."

******************************************************

>From JokeDuJour: "Ways Life Would Change If Men Got
Pregnant"

1. Maternity leave would last two years...with full
pay!

2. There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No. 1
health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be improved to
100% effectiveness.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until they
were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

9. Fathers would demand that their sons be home from
dates by 10 p.m.

10. Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

11. They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

12. Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and
pickles as an entree.

13. Women would rule the world.
********************************
Test For Mental Patients

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time. This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what is the criteria that defines a
patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the
Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the
patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would choose the bucket as it is larger than the
spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person
would pull the plug." Did you pass?
********************************
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was
having a lot of problems selling it, because the car
had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked
with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a
possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can
only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a
friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I
sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have
a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it!"
********************************
Guard Dog
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work." - Peter Drucker
********************************
Ungreatfulness
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"