********************************
How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
~ Repaint your entire house every month.
~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.
~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
********************************
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on
St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic
diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave
you a sham rock."
********************************
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.
The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said,
"Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns there."
********************************
Good Morning,
Just a little young and innocent humor to start the day off. We get old or older and forget how innocent and honest little ones are to life. May God bless you with a good day today. Barbara
1. NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2. HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read," The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" Yes,that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
7.POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
11. SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk."
12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
hUMOR For March 16th
********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- Wal-Mart greeters
2 Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during
break time and one turns to the other saying, "I'm 73
years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?" The other
greeter says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed, the co-worker repeats his statement
back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born
babe???" "Yup. No teeth. No hair. And I think I just
wet my pants."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: THREE WIVES -
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties...
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house, and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from the Southside of
Chicago. He boasted that he told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down,
and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough
to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: GOOD/BAD??
GOOD OR BAD One day God was looking down at Earth and
saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes,
it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5%
are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I
had better send down a second angel to get another
opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to
Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went
to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good, because He wanted to encourage them,
give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Just wondering, I didn't get one either........
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To
the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
********************************
Directory Assistance
"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young
man said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."
********************************
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some ally smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
I WAS TOLD TO SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN I THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
********************************
Good Old Dave
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."
Thanks to Li Mo -- Wal-Mart greeters
2 Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during
break time and one turns to the other saying, "I'm 73
years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?" The other
greeter says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed, the co-worker repeats his statement
back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born
babe???" "Yup. No teeth. No hair. And I think I just
wet my pants."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: THREE WIVES -
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties...
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house, and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from the Southside of
Chicago. He boasted that he told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down,
and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough
to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: GOOD/BAD??
GOOD OR BAD One day God was looking down at Earth and
saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes,
it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5%
are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I
had better send down a second angel to get another
opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to
Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went
to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good, because He wanted to encourage them,
give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Just wondering, I didn't get one either........
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To
the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
********************************
Directory Assistance
"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young
man said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."
********************************
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some ally smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
I WAS TOLD TO SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN I THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
********************************
Good Old Dave
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
hUMOR For March 15th
********************************
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
********************************
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
********************************
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an
ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF OVER THERE! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
********************************
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was
necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent
them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a
square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked
in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem... how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust
to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron
when chilled Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right
off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper
expression, didn't you.)
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
********************************
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
********************************
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an
ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF OVER THERE! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
********************************
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was
necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent
them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a
square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked
in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem... how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust
to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron
when chilled Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right
off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper
expression, didn't you.)
Monday, March 14, 2005
hUMOR For March 14th
********************************
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."
********************************
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
********************************
"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"
********************************
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."
********************************
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
********************************
"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"
********************************
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
Sunday, March 13, 2005
hUMOR For March 13th
Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
********************************
Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at
the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get
their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles". When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the
grandmother.
"Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than
freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely
into his grandma's face, and softly whispered,
"Wrinkles."
******************************************************
Thanks to Sandy -- 22 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an
infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there
without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end
with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any
two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like
that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped
into our language.
19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to
punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence
with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
********************************
Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at
the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get
their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles". When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the
grandmother.
"Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than
freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely
into his grandma's face, and softly whispered,
"Wrinkles."
******************************************************
Thanks to Sandy -- 22 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar
1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an
infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there
without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end
with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any
two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like
that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped
into our language.
19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to
punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence
with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague
Saturday, March 12, 2005
hUMOR For March 12th
********************************
Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
Old Friends
Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S
Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
Friday, March 11, 2005
hUMOR For March 11th
********************************
Thanks to GB: I am Proud to be your Friend!
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything
we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.
I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes
me think I can?
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a
smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your
babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with
them.
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
I've learned...
That I wish I could have told those I cared about that
I love them one more time before they passed away.
I've learned.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what
I do about it.
I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for
life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but
all the happiness and growth occurs while you're
climbing it.
I've learned.
That it is best to give advice in only two
circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a
life threatening situation.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"
His dad replied, "You should get a couple of bucks out of it."
********************************
Losing Weight
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the
instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of
this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. She then
detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not
only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents
for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar
for it."
Thanks to GB: I am Proud to be your Friend!
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything
we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life
so spectacular.
I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants
to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes
me think I can?
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a
smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your
babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with
them.
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take
the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.
I've learned...
That I wish I could have told those I cared about that
I love them one more time before they passed away.
I've learned.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what
I do about it.
I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for
life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain but
all the happiness and growth occurs while you're
climbing it.
I've learned.
That it is best to give advice in only two
circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a
life threatening situation.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"
His dad replied, "You should get a couple of bucks out of it."
********************************
Losing Weight
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the
instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of
this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers. She then
detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not
only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents
for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I'll give you a dollar
for it."
Thursday, March 10, 2005
hUMOR For March 10th
Thanks to La McD -- Points to Ponder. Think about this
one.
What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today?
What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him
yesterday?
What if we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when God sent the Rain?
What if God didn't walk with us today because we
failed to recognize it as His day?
What if, God took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?
What if, God took away His message because we failed
to listen to the messenger.
THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.........
What if, God didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?
What if, the door of the church was closed because we
did not open the door of our heart?
What if, God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?
What if, God would not hear us today because we would
not listen to Him?
What if, God answered our prayers the way we answer
His call to service?
What if, God met our needs the way we give Him our
lives???
******************************************************
Thanks to Whit Sasser via EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF --
Children Live What They Learn
If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have
faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He
learns to find love in the world.
~Dorothy Law Nolte
********************************
Tired Minister
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was
not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a
sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife,
"Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both
staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over
an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure
you'll be glad to greet her."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "You should have smacked him
twice! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place."
********************************
Subject: Aggie
The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were
attending
their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young
lady
from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about
the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.
one.
What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today?
What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him
yesterday?
What if we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when God sent the Rain?
What if God didn't walk with us today because we
failed to recognize it as His day?
What if, God took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?
What if, God took away His message because we failed
to listen to the messenger.
THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.........
What if, God didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?
What if, the door of the church was closed because we
did not open the door of our heart?
What if, God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?
What if, God would not hear us today because we would
not listen to Him?
What if, God answered our prayers the way we answer
His call to service?
What if, God met our needs the way we give Him our
lives???
******************************************************
Thanks to Whit Sasser via EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF --
Children Live What They Learn
If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have
faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He
learns to find love in the world.
~Dorothy Law Nolte
********************************
Tired Minister
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was
not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a
sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife,
"Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both
staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over
an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure
you'll be glad to greet her."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "You should have smacked him
twice! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place."
********************************
Subject: Aggie
The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were
attending
their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young
lady
from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about
the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.
hUMOR For March 10th
Thanks to La McD -- Points to Ponder. Think about this
one.
What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today?
What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him
yesterday?
What if we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when God sent the Rain?
What if God didn't walk with us today because we
failed to recognize it as His day?
What if, God took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?
What if, God took away His message because we failed
to listen to the messenger.
THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.........
What if, God didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?
What if, the door of the church was closed because we
did not open the door of our heart?
What if, God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?
What if, God would not hear us today because we would
not listen to Him?
What if, God answered our prayers the way we answer
His call to service?
What if, God met our needs the way we give Him our
lives???
******************************************************
Thanks to Whit Sasser via EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF --
Children Live What They Learn
If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have
faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He
learns to find love in the world.
~Dorothy Law Nolte
********************************
Tired Minister
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was
not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a
sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife,
"Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both
staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over
an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure
you'll be glad to greet her."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "You should have smacked him
twice! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place."
********************************
Subject: Aggie
The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were
attending
their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young
lady
from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about
the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.
one.
What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today?
What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him
yesterday?
What if we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when God sent the Rain?
What if God didn't walk with us today because we
failed to recognize it as His day?
What if, God took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?
What if, God took away His message because we failed
to listen to the messenger.
THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.........
What if, God didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?
What if, the door of the church was closed because we
did not open the door of our heart?
What if, God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?
What if, God would not hear us today because we would
not listen to Him?
What if, God answered our prayers the way we answer
His call to service?
What if, God met our needs the way we give Him our
lives???
******************************************************
Thanks to Whit Sasser via EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF --
Children Live What They Learn
If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have
faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He
learns to find love in the world.
~Dorothy Law Nolte
********************************
Tired Minister
A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was
not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a
sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife,
"Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both
staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over
an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure
you'll be glad to greet her."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "You should have smacked him
twice! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place."
********************************
Subject: Aggie
The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were
attending
their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young
lady
from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about
the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
hUMOR For March 9th
********************************
The Not-So-Dumb Blonde
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from
the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be
important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days
off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."
A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you
are less stressed."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started
following me and the boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
********************************
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
********************************
Common, Everyday Fibs
* The check is in the mail.
* I'll start my diet tomorrow.
* We service what we sell.
* Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
* Money cheerfully refunded.
* One size fits all.
* This offer limited to the first 100 people who call in.
* Your luggage isn't lost, it's only misplaced.
* Leave your resume and we'll keep it on file.
* This hurts me more than it hurts you.
* I just need five minutes of your time.
* Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
* Open wide, it won't hurt a bit.
* Let's have lunch sometime.
* It's not the money, it's the principle.
********************************
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"'Is this a question?' - Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then
this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
(BTW, Saturday's Park Pun was written by Stan Kegel.)
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: "Many hands make light work."
********************************
Like It Was 50 Years Ago ... Author UnknownA little house with two bedrooms and one car on the street,A mower that you had to push, to make the grass look neat.In the kitchen on the wall, we only had one phone,And no need for recording things; someone was always home.We only had a living room, where we could congregate,Unless it was at mealtime, in the kitchen where we ate.We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.We only had one TV set and channels; maybe two,But always there was one of them, with something worth the view.For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,And if you wanted flavor, you made Lipton's onion dip.Weekends were for family trips, or staying home to play,We all did things together, even go to church to pray.When we did our weekend trips, depending on the weather,No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.Sometimes we would separate, to do things on our own,But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,And nothing can compare to watching, movies in your car.Then there were the picnics, at there peak of summer season,Pack a lunch and find some trees; and never need a reason.Get a baseball game together, with the friends you know,Have real action playing ball; and no game video.Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,And didn't need insurance, or a lawyer to defendThe way that he took care of you, or what he had to do,Because he took and oath, and strived to do the best for you.Remember going to the store; and shopping casually,And when you went to pay for it, you used your own money?Nothing that you had to swipe or, punch in some amount,Remember when the cashier person had to really count?Remember when we breathed the air, it smelled so fresh and clean,And chemicals were not used on the grass, to keep it green.The milkman and the bread man used to go from door to door,And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.There was a time when mailed letters, came right to your door,Without a lot of junk mail ads, sent out by every store.The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent,There was not loads of mail addressed to: 'Present Occupant.'There was a time when just one glance, was all that it would take,And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.They didn't look like turtles, trying to squeeze every mile,They were streamlined, white walls and fins; and really had some style.One time the music that you played, whenever you would jive,Was from a vinyl, big holed record called a forty-five.The record player had a post, to keep them all in line,And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.Oh, sure we had our problems then; just like we do today,And always we were striving; trying for a better way.And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things,We can now even program phones, with music or with rings.Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,How can you explain a game; just kick the can and run.And why would boys put baseball cards, between bicycle spokes?And for a nickel, red machines had little bottled cokes.This life seemed so much easier; and slower in some ways,I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.So time moves on and so do we; and nothing stays the same,But I sure like to reminisce, and walk down memory lane.
********************************
The Not-So-Dumb Blonde
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from
the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be
important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days
off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."
A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you
are less stressed."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started
following me and the boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
********************************
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
********************************
Common, Everyday Fibs
* The check is in the mail.
* I'll start my diet tomorrow.
* We service what we sell.
* Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
* Money cheerfully refunded.
* One size fits all.
* This offer limited to the first 100 people who call in.
* Your luggage isn't lost, it's only misplaced.
* Leave your resume and we'll keep it on file.
* This hurts me more than it hurts you.
* I just need five minutes of your time.
* Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
* Open wide, it won't hurt a bit.
* Let's have lunch sometime.
* It's not the money, it's the principle.
********************************
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"'Is this a question?' - Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then
this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
(BTW, Saturday's Park Pun was written by Stan Kegel.)
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: "Many hands make light work."
********************************
Like It Was 50 Years Ago ... Author UnknownA little house with two bedrooms and one car on the street,A mower that you had to push, to make the grass look neat.In the kitchen on the wall, we only had one phone,And no need for recording things; someone was always home.We only had a living room, where we could congregate,Unless it was at mealtime, in the kitchen where we ate.We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.We only had one TV set and channels; maybe two,But always there was one of them, with something worth the view.For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,And if you wanted flavor, you made Lipton's onion dip.Weekends were for family trips, or staying home to play,We all did things together, even go to church to pray.When we did our weekend trips, depending on the weather,No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.Sometimes we would separate, to do things on our own,But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,And nothing can compare to watching, movies in your car.Then there were the picnics, at there peak of summer season,Pack a lunch and find some trees; and never need a reason.Get a baseball game together, with the friends you know,Have real action playing ball; and no game video.Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,And didn't need insurance, or a lawyer to defendThe way that he took care of you, or what he had to do,Because he took and oath, and strived to do the best for you.Remember going to the store; and shopping casually,And when you went to pay for it, you used your own money?Nothing that you had to swipe or, punch in some amount,Remember when the cashier person had to really count?Remember when we breathed the air, it smelled so fresh and clean,And chemicals were not used on the grass, to keep it green.The milkman and the bread man used to go from door to door,And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.There was a time when mailed letters, came right to your door,Without a lot of junk mail ads, sent out by every store.The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent,There was not loads of mail addressed to: 'Present Occupant.'There was a time when just one glance, was all that it would take,And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.They didn't look like turtles, trying to squeeze every mile,They were streamlined, white walls and fins; and really had some style.One time the music that you played, whenever you would jive,Was from a vinyl, big holed record called a forty-five.The record player had a post, to keep them all in line,And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.Oh, sure we had our problems then; just like we do today,And always we were striving; trying for a better way.And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things,We can now even program phones, with music or with rings.Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,How can you explain a game; just kick the can and run.And why would boys put baseball cards, between bicycle spokes?And for a nickel, red machines had little bottled cokes.This life seemed so much easier; and slower in some ways,I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.So time moves on and so do we; and nothing stays the same,But I sure like to reminisce, and walk down memory lane.
********************************
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
hUMOR For March 8th
********************************
Thanks to memphisbelle -- Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a
good cat all these years. You can have anything you
desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm
and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow
appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats,
dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each
mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on
its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and
yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are great!"
********************************
Quantum Date
Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.
The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician
makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets
the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but
surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool,
man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
girl might suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a cone? You never know ... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."
"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease
them into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that
you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the
roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be
ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while.
Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes," says James.
"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back,
tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the
vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me.
Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
********************************
Thanks to La Mi for a bunch of good stuff!
YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF...
You have to pass through a metal detector to get
inside.
The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and
His Ark of Many Colors."
The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as
a polka!
They believe that an elected official attending the
worship service is a violation of the separation of
Church and state.
A week before Christmas the preacher announces the
church will be "closed for the holidays."
Everyone agrees the temperature in the auditorium is
absolutely perfect!
The song leader has you sing "Amazing Grace" in a
round (a la "row row row your boat").
The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the
original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent
Tithe."
Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to
"those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
The missions budget just got cut in half, but the
finance ministry deacon just bought a "kickin'" new
Harley.
New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague
reference to jello-wrestling.
New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince
McMahon.
On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be
their preacher.
On the offering baskets is printed "Please make checks
payable directly to the preacher."
AT LEAST 6 MONTHS: I was at the drug store to pick
up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed,
and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It
was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the
front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
"After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please,
after you. I have all day." Then he said, "No. You
go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Got Lawyer?
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches
the pearly gates St. Peter tells him he is in the
wrong place and sends him straight to hell. A few
weeks later God calls Satan to see how things are
going. Satan tells him "Hey it's great down here since
you sent me the engineer. We've got air conditioning,
swimming pools, everything a person would ever want -
it's great!" God freaks out - "That was a mistake -
send him right back!" Satan laughs, "No way. We're
keeping him." God threatens, "I'll sue!" To which
Satan replies: "Yeah right. Where are YOU going to get
a lawyer??"
***************************
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The
seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"
The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all
walk on?"
*********************
I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large
dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring
his pet into the building, a bank official answered,
"Yes, provided he doesn't make a deposit."
****************************
WORDS FROM ABOVE
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Well, God tells me."
"Oh... then why do you keep crossing things out?"
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this
Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for
those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the
church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is
too hot.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those
who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for
those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for
those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who
plan to be sick on Sunday.
The auditorium will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear
the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's
too loud!
Thanks to memphisbelle -- Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a
good cat all these years. You can have anything you
desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm
and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow
appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats,
dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each
mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on
its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and
yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are great!"
********************************
Quantum Date
Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.
The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician
makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets
the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but
surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool,
man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
girl might suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a cone? You never know ... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."
"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease
them into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that
you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the
roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be
ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while.
Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes," says James.
"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back,
tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the
vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me.
Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
********************************
Thanks to La Mi for a bunch of good stuff!
YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF...
You have to pass through a metal detector to get
inside.
The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and
His Ark of Many Colors."
The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as
a polka!
They believe that an elected official attending the
worship service is a violation of the separation of
Church and state.
A week before Christmas the preacher announces the
church will be "closed for the holidays."
Everyone agrees the temperature in the auditorium is
absolutely perfect!
The song leader has you sing "Amazing Grace" in a
round (a la "row row row your boat").
The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the
original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent
Tithe."
Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to
"those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
The missions budget just got cut in half, but the
finance ministry deacon just bought a "kickin'" new
Harley.
New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague
reference to jello-wrestling.
New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince
McMahon.
On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be
their preacher.
On the offering baskets is printed "Please make checks
payable directly to the preacher."
AT LEAST 6 MONTHS: I was at the drug store to pick
up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed,
and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It
was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the
front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
"After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please,
after you. I have all day." Then he said, "No. You
go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Got Lawyer?
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches
the pearly gates St. Peter tells him he is in the
wrong place and sends him straight to hell. A few
weeks later God calls Satan to see how things are
going. Satan tells him "Hey it's great down here since
you sent me the engineer. We've got air conditioning,
swimming pools, everything a person would ever want -
it's great!" God freaks out - "That was a mistake -
send him right back!" Satan laughs, "No way. We're
keeping him." God threatens, "I'll sue!" To which
Satan replies: "Yeah right. Where are YOU going to get
a lawyer??"
***************************
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The
seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"
The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all
walk on?"
*********************
I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large
dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring
his pet into the building, a bank official answered,
"Yes, provided he doesn't make a deposit."
****************************
WORDS FROM ABOVE
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Well, God tells me."
"Oh... then why do you keep crossing things out?"
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this
Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for
those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the
church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is
too hot.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those
who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for
those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for
those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who
plan to be sick on Sunday.
The auditorium will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear
the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's
too loud!
Monday, March 07, 2005
hUMOR FOR MARCH 7TH
********************************
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother."Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.""Go down the slide while sitting, only.""Only one child on a swing at a time."(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
********************************
Major Oops!
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got
into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
********************************
Cooking Skills?
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's
broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven
was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out
of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed
the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As
one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said,
"Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can
cook."
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother."Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.""Go down the slide while sitting, only.""Only one child on a swing at a time."(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
********************************
Major Oops!
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got
into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
********************************
Cooking Skills?
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's
broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven
was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out
of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed
the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As
one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said,
"Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can
cook."
Thursday, March 03, 2005
hUMOR For March 3rd
********************************
Thanks to La Mi -- THE PERFECT Preacher
7 A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
7 Preaches exactly 12 minutes.
7 Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
7 Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
7 Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
7 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.
7 Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.
7 A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.
7 Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.
********************************
Question: Define The Following Terms
Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.
Thanks to La Mi -- THE PERFECT Preacher
7 A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
7 Preaches exactly 12 minutes.
7 Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
7 Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
7 Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
7 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.
7 Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.
7 A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.
7 Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.
********************************
Question: Define The Following Terms
Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
hUMOR For March 2nd
********************************
Medical Research
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.
********************************
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
********************************
There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.
Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.
After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.
The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."
He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."
When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Traffic Violation
A traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Medical Research
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.
********************************
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
********************************
There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.
Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.
After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.
The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."
He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."
When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Traffic Violation
A traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
hUMOR For March 1st
********************************
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
********************************
B rain C ramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --George Bush"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ....Feeling smarter yet? Send this on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing!!!
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
********************************
B rain C ramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --George Bush"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ....Feeling smarter yet? Send this on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing!!!
Monday, February 28, 2005
hUMOR For February 28th
********************************
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls."I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
********************************
Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls."I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
********************************
Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"
Sunday, February 27, 2005
hUMOR For February 27th
********************************
Grants
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?"
Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."
I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant.
Didn't you know that?"
********************************
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."
Grants
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?"
Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."
I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant.
Didn't you know that?"
********************************
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."
Saturday, February 26, 2005
hUMOR For February 26th
********************************
Vet Appointment
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.
"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
********************************
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
********************************
A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment."People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Vet Appointment
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.
"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
********************************
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
********************************
A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment."People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
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