********************************
Thanks to memphisbelle -- Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a
good cat all these years. You can have anything you
desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm
and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow
appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats,
dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each
mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on
its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and
yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are great!"
********************************
Quantum Date
Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.
The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician
makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets
the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but
surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool,
man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
girl might suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a cone? You never know ... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."
"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease
them into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that
you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the
roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be
ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while.
Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes," says James.
"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back,
tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the
vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me.
Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
********************************
Thanks to La Mi for a bunch of good stuff!
YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF...
You have to pass through a metal detector to get
inside.
The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and
His Ark of Many Colors."
The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as
a polka!
They believe that an elected official attending the
worship service is a violation of the separation of
Church and state.
A week before Christmas the preacher announces the
church will be "closed for the holidays."
Everyone agrees the temperature in the auditorium is
absolutely perfect!
The song leader has you sing "Amazing Grace" in a
round (a la "row row row your boat").
The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the
original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent
Tithe."
Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to
"those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
The missions budget just got cut in half, but the
finance ministry deacon just bought a "kickin'" new
Harley.
New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague
reference to jello-wrestling.
New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince
McMahon.
On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be
their preacher.
On the offering baskets is printed "Please make checks
payable directly to the preacher."
AT LEAST 6 MONTHS: I was at the drug store to pick
up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed,
and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It
was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the
front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
"After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please,
after you. I have all day." Then he said, "No. You
go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Got Lawyer?
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches
the pearly gates St. Peter tells him he is in the
wrong place and sends him straight to hell. A few
weeks later God calls Satan to see how things are
going. Satan tells him "Hey it's great down here since
you sent me the engineer. We've got air conditioning,
swimming pools, everything a person would ever want -
it's great!" God freaks out - "That was a mistake -
send him right back!" Satan laughs, "No way. We're
keeping him." God threatens, "I'll sue!" To which
Satan replies: "Yeah right. Where are YOU going to get
a lawyer??"
***************************
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The
seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"
The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all
walk on?"
*********************
I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large
dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring
his pet into the building, a bank official answered,
"Yes, provided he doesn't make a deposit."
****************************
WORDS FROM ABOVE
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Well, God tells me."
"Oh... then why do you keep crossing things out?"
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this
Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for
those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the
church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is
too hot.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those
who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for
those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for
those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who
plan to be sick on Sunday.
The auditorium will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear
the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's
too loud!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Monday, March 07, 2005
hUMOR FOR MARCH 7TH
********************************
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother."Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.""Go down the slide while sitting, only.""Only one child on a swing at a time."(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
********************************
Major Oops!
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got
into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
********************************
Cooking Skills?
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's
broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven
was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out
of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed
the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As
one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said,
"Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can
cook."
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother."Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.""Go down the slide while sitting, only.""Only one child on a swing at a time."(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
********************************
Major Oops!
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got
into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"
And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
********************************
Cooking Skills?
Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's
broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven
was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.
Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out
of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed
the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As
one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said,
"Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can
cook."
Thursday, March 03, 2005
hUMOR For March 3rd
********************************
Thanks to La Mi -- THE PERFECT Preacher
7 A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
7 Preaches exactly 12 minutes.
7 Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
7 Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
7 Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
7 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.
7 Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.
7 A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.
7 Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.
********************************
Question: Define The Following Terms
Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.
Thanks to La Mi -- THE PERFECT Preacher
7 A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:
7 Preaches exactly 12 minutes.
7 Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
7 Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
7 Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
7 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.
7 Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.
7 A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.
7 Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.
********************************
Question: Define The Following Terms
Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
hUMOR For March 2nd
********************************
Medical Research
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.
********************************
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
********************************
There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.
Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.
After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.
The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."
He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."
When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Traffic Violation
A traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Medical Research
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.
********************************
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
********************************
There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.
Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.
After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.
The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."
He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."
When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Traffic Violation
A traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
hUMOR For March 1st
********************************
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
********************************
B rain C ramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --George Bush"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ....Feeling smarter yet? Send this on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing!!!
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
********************************
B rain C ramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --George Bush"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ....Feeling smarter yet? Send this on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing!!!
Monday, February 28, 2005
hUMOR For February 28th
********************************
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls."I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
********************************
Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls."I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
********************************
Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"
Sunday, February 27, 2005
hUMOR For February 27th
********************************
Grants
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?"
Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."
I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant.
Didn't you know that?"
********************************
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."
Grants
I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?"
Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.
Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."
I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant.
Didn't you know that?"
********************************
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."
Saturday, February 26, 2005
hUMOR For February 26th
********************************
Vet Appointment
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.
"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
********************************
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
********************************
A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment."People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Vet Appointment
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.
One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.
"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
********************************
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
********************************
A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.
"How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment."People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Friday, February 25, 2005
hUMOR For February 25th
********************************
CleanPun.
The best way to watch a demolition derby?
Through a kaleidoscope.
********************************
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
********************************
Illustration.
My 9yr. old niece says her prayers every night and instead of Amen she says: "Hit ENTER"
********************************
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
"If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing."
********************************
Lost In Thought
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.
********************************
Warm Up WitLittle Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?" "My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
********************************
What did you say?
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and
says, "Where's my toast?"
............
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
............
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went
out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7
p. m., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me such
beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs and what's there but a
luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out
for
dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was -- lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL.
Completely
crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two
times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
...........
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
............
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
............
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful.'"
............
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
CleanPun.
The best way to watch a demolition derby?
Through a kaleidoscope.
********************************
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
********************************
Illustration.
My 9yr. old niece says her prayers every night and instead of Amen she says: "Hit ENTER"
********************************
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
"If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing."
********************************
Lost In Thought
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.
Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.
********************************
Warm Up WitLittle Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?" "My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
********************************
What did you say?
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and
says, "Where's my toast?"
............
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
............
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went
out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7
p. m., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me such
beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs and what's there but a
luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out
for
dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was -- lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL.
Completely
crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two
times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
...........
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
............
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
............
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful.'"
............
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Thursday, February 24, 2005
hUMOR For February 24th
********************************
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
********************************
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty.
No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
********************************
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oilrig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
********************************
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty.
No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
********************************
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oilrig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
hUMOR For February 23rd
********************************
*Tips From Cowboys, Everyday Wisdom*
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
********************************
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."
Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
********************************
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!"
********************************
One day a goober went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
********************************
Bragging
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
*Tips From Cowboys, Everyday Wisdom*
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
********************************
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."
Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
********************************
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!"
********************************
One day a goober went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
********************************
Bragging
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
hUMOR For February 22nd
********************************
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
********************************
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.
When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
********************************
The Diary
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
Jill: "A diary."
Linda: What's in it?
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and
confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret
yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other
people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
********************************
A Texan is in a bar with his dog, watching the Oklahoma vs. Texas game. The longhorns surprisingly score a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe.
After a long while the longhorns score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar.Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man that's amazing. What does your dog do when Texas beats Oklahoma?"The guy replied, "I don't know, I've only had him 5 years."
Bill
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
********************************
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.
When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
********************************
The Diary
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
Jill: "A diary."
Linda: What's in it?
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and
confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret
yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other
people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
********************************
A Texan is in a bar with his dog, watching the Oklahoma vs. Texas game. The longhorns surprisingly score a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe.
After a long while the longhorns score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar.Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man that's amazing. What does your dog do when Texas beats Oklahoma?"The guy replied, "I don't know, I've only had him 5 years."
Bill
Monday, February 21, 2005
hUMOR For February 21st
********************************
As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car.
"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
********************************
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car.
"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
********************************
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
hUMOR For February 20th
********************************
Laws of Parenting
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
Laws of Parenting
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
hUMOR For February 19th
********************************
Special Message
"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."
"Read it to me," the captain ordered.
The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."
The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
********************************
*Workers vs. The Light Bulb*
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
********************************
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the
back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
********************************
Two men are talking. One says to the other, "I shouldn't have told my fiancé¥ about my rich uncle."
He friend asks, "Why not?"
The first man replies, "Because now she's my aunt."
Special Message
"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."
"Read it to me," the captain ordered.
The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."
The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
********************************
*Workers vs. The Light Bulb*
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
********************************
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the
back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
********************************
Two men are talking. One says to the other, "I shouldn't have told my fiancé¥ about my rich uncle."
He friend asks, "Why not?"
The first man replies, "Because now she's my aunt."
Friday, February 18, 2005
hUMOR For February 18th
********************************
SHAVED
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the onlychurch in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double upas the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had investedwisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed oneday to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he wasabout shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shavemyself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." Sohe did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was outcalling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shavesanyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive andthat he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paidGrace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as theday before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow!he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily tokeep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute afterGrace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to thebarber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his facewas as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Graceand once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
********************************
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."
But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."
********************************
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
********************************
Meeting of the Board"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst! He was a visitor who had never attended their church before."My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?""Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
********************************
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
SHAVED
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the onlychurch in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double upas the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had investedwisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed oneday to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he wasabout shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shavemyself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." Sohe did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was outcalling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shavesanyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive andthat he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paidGrace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as theday before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow!he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily tokeep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute afterGrace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to thebarber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his facewas as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Graceand once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
********************************
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."
But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."
********************************
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
********************************
Meeting of the Board"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst! He was a visitor who had never attended their church before."My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?""Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
********************************
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
hUMOR For February 17th
********************************
John: Did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
Larry: No! Tell me about it.
John: It just couldn't take any more pressure.
John: Did you hear about the blonde farmer who ran a steamroller over his field of potatoes?
Larry: No! Why would he do that?
John: He wanted to make mashed potatoes.
--- GCFL ---
John: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?
Larry: I give up, what?
John: He banged his gavel and said, "Odor in the courtroom!"
--- GCFL ---
"I give up!" the little boy said while kneeling in prayer beside his bed. "Art doesn't listen to me at all."
"Art? Art who?" asked his bewildered mom.
"Art in Heaven," said the boy.
********************************
Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
********************************
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
********************************
Mealtime Blessing
My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."
One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.
But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."
John: Did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
Larry: No! Tell me about it.
John: It just couldn't take any more pressure.
John: Did you hear about the blonde farmer who ran a steamroller over his field of potatoes?
Larry: No! Why would he do that?
John: He wanted to make mashed potatoes.
--- GCFL ---
John: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?
Larry: I give up, what?
John: He banged his gavel and said, "Odor in the courtroom!"
--- GCFL ---
"I give up!" the little boy said while kneeling in prayer beside his bed. "Art doesn't listen to me at all."
"Art? Art who?" asked his bewildered mom.
"Art in Heaven," said the boy.
********************************
Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
********************************
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
********************************
Mealtime Blessing
My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."
One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.
But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
hUMOR For February 16th
********************************
Interactive Weather
Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain.
The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 miles away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm.
Watching, my son shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here."
********************************
A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
********************************
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Bris is referred to as "branding."
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Accident Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Interactive Weather
Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain.
The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 miles away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm.
Watching, my son shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here."
********************************
A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
********************************
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Bris is referred to as "branding."
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Accident Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
hUMOR For February 15th
********************************
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
********************************
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
********************************
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
********************************
UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved tothe two aliens as they took off."Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've beenworking here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means...
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
********************************
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
********************************
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
********************************
UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved tothe two aliens as they took off."Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've beenworking here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means...
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Monday, February 14, 2005
hUMOR For February 14th
********************************
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
********************************
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
********************************
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
********************************
There is so much theologically incorrect about this joke I should send it out over three mailings!
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender ran up and asked, "Man, What on earth are you doing?" The blind man replied, "Just looking around
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
********************************
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
********************************
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
********************************
There is so much theologically incorrect about this joke I should send it out over three mailings!
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender ran up and asked, "Man, What on earth are you doing?" The blind man replied, "Just looking around
Sunday, February 13, 2005
hUMOR For February 13th
********************************
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
********************************
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square
mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
********************************
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square
mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Saturday, February 12, 2005
hUMOR For February 12th
********************************
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Job Performance Review
"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.
"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.
"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"
"Throw out another anchor, Captain."
"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.
He got to keep his job.
********************************
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in!
Anyone know where I can get a good deal?
********************************
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a danceWomen blink nearly twice as much as men Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. .............Now you know everything
********************************
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized
that I had ran out of vacation time already. I
figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home
was to act a little crazy. That way he'd think I was
burnt out and give me some time off.
I went into work early that morning and began hanging
upside down from the ceiling.
Just then, one of my co-workers (she's blonde...it'll
be important later) came in and asked me what I was
doing. "Shhhh," I said. "I'm acting crazy to get a
few days off. I'm a light bulb."
Wonder what the gal who sent me this had in mind!
A second later, the Boss walked by and asked me what I
was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The
blonde started following me and the Boss asked where
she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said!
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Job Performance Review
"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.
"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.
"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"
"Throw out another anchor, Captain."
"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.
He got to keep his job.
********************************
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in!
Anyone know where I can get a good deal?
********************************
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a danceWomen blink nearly twice as much as men Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. .............Now you know everything
********************************
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized
that I had ran out of vacation time already. I
figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home
was to act a little crazy. That way he'd think I was
burnt out and give me some time off.
I went into work early that morning and began hanging
upside down from the ceiling.
Just then, one of my co-workers (she's blonde...it'll
be important later) came in and asked me what I was
doing. "Shhhh," I said. "I'm acting crazy to get a
few days off. I'm a light bulb."
Wonder what the gal who sent me this had in mind!
A second later, the Boss walked by and asked me what I
was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The
blonde started following me and the Boss asked where
she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said!
Friday, February 11, 2005
hUMOR For February 11th
********************************
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.
"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
********************************
Ulterior Motive?
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.
As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
Thursday, February 10, 2005
hUMOR For February 10th
********************************
Thanks to J&G B: Police Officers have a sense of humor -- the following quotes prove that...
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
******************************************************
Thanks to LRM: Reflections of a Parent
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can tell you about drinking, but I cannot say, "No"
for you.
I can tell you about drugs, but I cannot prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I cannot force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with an unconditional love all my life...and I will.
-Author unknown
********************************
Third Baptist: The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.
Ana-Baptist: The people didn't like First, Second, Third or Fourth Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves Nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.
Calvary Baptist: The people crucify their pastor regularly.
Community Baptist: It is a social community club.
Conservative Baptist: The people don't talk to strangers.
Cooperative Baptist: They compromise with anybody and anything.
Free Will Baptist: They draft wills for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.
Fundamental Baptist: Fund a mental Baptist.
Grace Baptist: They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!
Immanuel Baptist: They are in manual mode: Church leaders must push them to serve.
Independent Baptist: The people don't depend on God.
Memorial Baptist: It is dead.
Monument Baptist: It is history.
Missionary Baptist: They send out missionaries who are sick and tired of fellowshipping with people who don't do anything.
Open Door Baptist: They lock the doors after Sunday morning services.
Pentecostal Baptist: It is for people who work for the Pentagon.
Primitive Baptist: They don't divide or multiply among themselves.
Progressive National Baptist: They are members of NASCAR.
Seventh Day Baptist: The other six days are for party.
Southern Baptist: The people hate cold weather.
Third World Baptist: The people love the world so much they don't mind coming in third.
Tabernacle Baptist: Hmmm ... it doesn't LOOK like a tent.
United Baptist: The people are union members.
********************************
A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
********************************
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away...... Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and ! she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in avacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs "Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
********************************
Wrong Number
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
Thanks to J&G B: Police Officers have a sense of humor -- the following quotes prove that...
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
******************************************************
Thanks to LRM: Reflections of a Parent
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can tell you about drinking, but I cannot say, "No"
for you.
I can tell you about drugs, but I cannot prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I cannot force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with an unconditional love all my life...and I will.
-Author unknown
********************************
Third Baptist: The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.
Ana-Baptist: The people didn't like First, Second, Third or Fourth Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves Nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.
Calvary Baptist: The people crucify their pastor regularly.
Community Baptist: It is a social community club.
Conservative Baptist: The people don't talk to strangers.
Cooperative Baptist: They compromise with anybody and anything.
Free Will Baptist: They draft wills for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.
Fundamental Baptist: Fund a mental Baptist.
Grace Baptist: They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!
Immanuel Baptist: They are in manual mode: Church leaders must push them to serve.
Independent Baptist: The people don't depend on God.
Memorial Baptist: It is dead.
Monument Baptist: It is history.
Missionary Baptist: They send out missionaries who are sick and tired of fellowshipping with people who don't do anything.
Open Door Baptist: They lock the doors after Sunday morning services.
Pentecostal Baptist: It is for people who work for the Pentagon.
Primitive Baptist: They don't divide or multiply among themselves.
Progressive National Baptist: They are members of NASCAR.
Seventh Day Baptist: The other six days are for party.
Southern Baptist: The people hate cold weather.
Third World Baptist: The people love the world so much they don't mind coming in third.
Tabernacle Baptist: Hmmm ... it doesn't LOOK like a tent.
United Baptist: The people are union members.
********************************
A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
********************************
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away...... Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and ! she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in avacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs "Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
********************************
Wrong Number
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
hUMOR For February 9th
********************************
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
********************************
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
"Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"
"Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply."
********************************
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "Unbreakable." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "Unbreakable" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the goober who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to be as careful with it as you are with yours."
********************************
Priests and Golf
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
********************************
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
"Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"
"Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply."
********************************
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "Unbreakable." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "Unbreakable" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the goober who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to be as careful with it as you are with yours."
********************************
Priests and Golf
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
hUMOR For February 8th
********************************
From a friend... JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm. As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him for having a firearm in his car.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel"
sat in stunned silence as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
Every man has a price _ but some aren't worth buying.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
THE ONE-LINERS, RIDDLES & QUOTES
A yes man noes nothing. (wordfoolery
If you're at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad. (Gail S. Angel)
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband? Beats me (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
Americans should be ashamed... We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo Wings that many kids today have never seen a buffalo fly. (Paul Benoit)
King Arthur, by issuing a command that all his knights go into battle properly attired, launched the first mail order! (John S. Crosbie)
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. (Adlai
Stevenson)
Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.
(Max Kauffman)
A gourmet challenged me to eat a tiny bit of rattlesnake meat. Remarking, "Don't look horror-stricken, You'll find it tastes a lot like chicken. It did. Now chicken I cannot eat. Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat. (Ogden Nash)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Vacuum Cleaner: A weapon of mess destruction
(wordfoolery)
Insanity: A problem of considerable dementions.
(Richard Lederer)
Fitness trainer: a person who lives off the fat of the land (Michael Driscoll)
Deceit: My mom makes me wear pants with patches on DECEIT.
Archaic: We can't have ARCHAIC and eat it too.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
********************************
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
********************************
(GCFL has not verified these "facts" and does not claim they are true.)
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
********************************
One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
********************************
HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill..
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
Now how old do you think grandma is ??
********************************
Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That littlete truck is keeping up with us."
From a friend... JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm. As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him for having a firearm in his car.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel"
sat in stunned silence as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
Every man has a price _ but some aren't worth buying.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
THE ONE-LINERS, RIDDLES & QUOTES
A yes man noes nothing. (wordfoolery
If you're at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad. (Gail S. Angel)
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband? Beats me (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
Americans should be ashamed... We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo Wings that many kids today have never seen a buffalo fly. (Paul Benoit)
King Arthur, by issuing a command that all his knights go into battle properly attired, launched the first mail order! (John S. Crosbie)
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. (Adlai
Stevenson)
Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.
(Max Kauffman)
A gourmet challenged me to eat a tiny bit of rattlesnake meat. Remarking, "Don't look horror-stricken, You'll find it tastes a lot like chicken. It did. Now chicken I cannot eat. Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat. (Ogden Nash)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Vacuum Cleaner: A weapon of mess destruction
(wordfoolery)
Insanity: A problem of considerable dementions.
(Richard Lederer)
Fitness trainer: a person who lives off the fat of the land (Michael Driscoll)
Deceit: My mom makes me wear pants with patches on DECEIT.
Archaic: We can't have ARCHAIC and eat it too.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
********************************
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
********************************
(GCFL has not verified these "facts" and does not claim they are true.)
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
********************************
One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
********************************
HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill..
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
Now how old do you think grandma is ??
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Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That littlete truck is keeping up with us."
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