********************************
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
********************************
'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN:
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
********************************
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist's studio for her first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted.
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewelry.
Rebecca replied, "When I die, I know my husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels".
********************************
From our archive -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one: THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTH
Here are the answers to some questions that you may have had about pregnancy:
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
******************************************************
From StanKegel: Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
******************************************************
From a friend: CHECK-OUT REVELATIONS
This Comes From A Former Grocery Bagger Who Just Retired And Has Seen It All
Rule Number 1 -- When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
Rule Number 2 -- Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
Rule Number 3 -- When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
Rule Number 4 -- Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
Rule Number 5 -- When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed; get it right. If you're not sure just say "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
Rule Number 6 -- Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic.
Checkers by nature are very curious, and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
Rule Number 7 -- Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt, don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price.
After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
Rule Number 8 -- Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
Rule Number 9 -- Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
Rule Number 10 -- Don't forget rule NO. 8
Rule Number 11 -- After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
Rule Number 12 -- When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite -- but you don't have to.
Rule Number 13 -- When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a light on be sure to ask the nearest clerk which checkstand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
Rule Number 14 -- If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item, and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Sunday, November 07, 2004
hUMOR For November 7th
********************************
Mother: "Soooooo.... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
*****
"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
*****
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
(From Pulpit Helps)
******************************************************
From our archive: From GCFL:
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
******************************************************
Thanks to M.A.K. -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run. (he hates that.) 23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick & the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
******************************************************
Thanks to JLH: WAR ROOM
Bush and Powell are sitting in a cafe.
A guy walks in and asks the cook, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The cook says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iranians!"
********************************
Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...
20. You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood.
19. It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.
18. I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."
17. Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?
16. You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.
15. Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.
14. I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.
13. Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?
12. Do you have a high powered rifle handy?
11. You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?
10. "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"
9. "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."
8. "The good news is... you have termites."
7. "Do you happen to have a large net?"
6. "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."
5. "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."
4. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
3. "Hi, I'm Willie Nelson and I'll be your exterminator today."
2. "This could get expensive."
1. "Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!"
********************************
From our archive: Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids fluttered and she began moaning.
Eventually, a voice came, saying, "Granddaughter are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responded, "Grandma is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeated.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman paused, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
******************************************************
Thanks to D.O. -- WATCHING LIFE PASS BY -- Wilkin Tom O'Neal
A little boy was asked what his father did by an older man. The boy answered, "He watches." "You mean he is a night watchman?"
"Oh no", the little boy exclaimed, "He just watches."
"Well, what does he watch?"
"I don't know if I can tell you everything, but I can name a few things."
"Well, tell me," the curious man replied.
"He watches TV, he watches Mom do the housework, he watches for the mail man, he watches the weather, he watches the computer, and I think he watches girls, too" he said with an impish grin on his face. "He watches the stock market, football games. He watches Mom spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He watches us leave to go to Church and PTA and shopping.
He watches Mom write letters and me play with my dog.
He watches Mom pay the bills. But mainly, he just watches."
There are many who idly sit and watch life pass them by in the church today. They live lives for which their is no meaning, no significance. If this is characteristic of your life, the Apostle Paul offers a challenge to each of us when he penned to Timothy, "
Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses" (1 Timothy 6:12).
James had said also, "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22).
DON'T BE DECEIVED BY WATCHING AND LOOKING. BE DOERS!
******************************************************
From a friend -- Blonde Chips
There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart. She went to her neighbour and asked if he had any ideas to help her.
The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home.
She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence.
Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn't tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears.
The blonde thanked her neighbor again and went home.
Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blonde was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.
The blonde thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It turns out that the black horse is two inches taller than the white horse...
Mother: "Soooooo.... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
*****
"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
*****
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
(From Pulpit Helps)
******************************************************
From our archive: From GCFL:
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
******************************************************
Thanks to M.A.K. -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run. (he hates that.) 23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick & the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
******************************************************
Thanks to JLH: WAR ROOM
Bush and Powell are sitting in a cafe.
A guy walks in and asks the cook, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The cook says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iranians!"
********************************
Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...
20. You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood.
19. It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.
18. I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."
17. Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?
16. You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.
15. Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.
14. I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.
13. Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?
12. Do you have a high powered rifle handy?
11. You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?
10. "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"
9. "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."
8. "The good news is... you have termites."
7. "Do you happen to have a large net?"
6. "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."
5. "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."
4. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
3. "Hi, I'm Willie Nelson and I'll be your exterminator today."
2. "This could get expensive."
1. "Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!"
********************************
From our archive: Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids fluttered and she began moaning.
Eventually, a voice came, saying, "Granddaughter are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responded, "Grandma is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeated.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman paused, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
******************************************************
Thanks to D.O. -- WATCHING LIFE PASS BY -- Wilkin Tom O'Neal
A little boy was asked what his father did by an older man. The boy answered, "He watches." "You mean he is a night watchman?"
"Oh no", the little boy exclaimed, "He just watches."
"Well, what does he watch?"
"I don't know if I can tell you everything, but I can name a few things."
"Well, tell me," the curious man replied.
"He watches TV, he watches Mom do the housework, he watches for the mail man, he watches the weather, he watches the computer, and I think he watches girls, too" he said with an impish grin on his face. "He watches the stock market, football games. He watches Mom spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He watches us leave to go to Church and PTA and shopping.
He watches Mom write letters and me play with my dog.
He watches Mom pay the bills. But mainly, he just watches."
There are many who idly sit and watch life pass them by in the church today. They live lives for which their is no meaning, no significance. If this is characteristic of your life, the Apostle Paul offers a challenge to each of us when he penned to Timothy, "
Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses" (1 Timothy 6:12).
James had said also, "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22).
DON'T BE DECEIVED BY WATCHING AND LOOKING. BE DOERS!
******************************************************
From a friend -- Blonde Chips
There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart. She went to her neighbour and asked if he had any ideas to help her.
The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home.
She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence.
Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn't tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears.
The blonde thanked her neighbor again and went home.
Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blonde was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.
The blonde thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It turns out that the black horse is two inches taller than the white horse...
Saturday, November 06, 2004
hUMOR For November 6th
********************************
Thanks to Marti -- (Tongue-in-cheek, now) Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal
trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
Lost and Found
Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they reached the shore one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My preacher will find me!
******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to LBS for this one:
When you have nothing to say,
But still want to keep in touch,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't know what,
Or don't know how,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't know why,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't have enough time,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you are still wanted,
When you are still remembered,
When you are still important,
When you are still loved,
When you are still cared for,
Guess what you get?
A FORWARDED MAIL!
******************************************************
From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)
Three ministers were sitting in a retirement home discussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and a Presbyterian. They start talking about religions other than their own that they admired the most.
The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admired the Catholics, with their formality, the architecture, the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I had not been a Presbyterian, I might have been a Catholic."
The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I've always admired the Amish, with their simple approach to life, their closeness to God and the land. If I hadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like to have been Amish."
The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who had
suddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "Well
Brother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would you have been?"
His one word reply, "Ashamed."
******************************************************
From a friend:
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities would not hesitate for a moment to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.
********************************
Esther has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Esther figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the color of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Esther is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car.When Esther arrives in front of God, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
********************************
*A Woman's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Oh! That's so cute!
Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Oh goodness no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
*A Man's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Haircut?
Yep.
********************************
Checks and balances
At the computer store where this clerk works, many of the suppliers insist
on being paid C.O.D. So it's no surprise when the delivery truck driver
asks for a check.
But there's a problem. "One of our suppliers installed an automated
shipping system that printed the labels for the delivery company," he says.
"They tied the system to their accounts receivable so that any prior
balance would be added to the C.O.D. amount of any current order.
"Trouble was, we had just returned a defective shipment and had a credit
balance. Our next order was for less money than the credit balance. The
system dutifully looked up our balance and printed the C.O.D. tag."
For -$38.47.
Which leaves the clerk and the driver scratching their heads. The driver
knows he can't hand over the shipment without a check. But a check for a
negative amount makes no sense.
"I called my bank and asked what would happen if I wrote a check for
-$34.87," says the clerk. "The branch manager laughed and said it wouldn't
go through their system, so go ahead. I wrote the check, gave it to the
driver and he left."
Then the phone rang. The bank manager had checked with his IT people and
they told him the bank would deposit $38.47 in my account when the check
was processed. They were in a panic!
Fortunately, the delivery company tore up the check when the driver checked in.
I wonder how much the bank spent making sure their software would no longer
accept a negative amount on a check.
Thanks to Marti -- (Tongue-in-cheek, now) Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal
trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
Lost and Found
Two men were shipwrecked on a desert island. The minute they reached the shore one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week, and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My preacher will find me!
******************************************************
From our archives -- Thanks to LBS for this one:
When you have nothing to say,
But still want to keep in touch,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't know what,
Or don't know how,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't know why,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you have something to say,
But don't have enough time,
Guess what you do,
You forward mails!!!!
When you are still wanted,
When you are still remembered,
When you are still important,
When you are still loved,
When you are still cared for,
Guess what you get?
A FORWARDED MAIL!
******************************************************
From a Baptist Preacher (of course...)
Three ministers were sitting in a retirement home discussing religion; a Baptist, a Methodist and a Presbyterian. They start talking about religions other than their own that they admired the most.
The Presbyterian Minister said, "I've always admired the Catholics, with their formality, the architecture, the Latin and the grandeur of Mass. I think if I had not been a Presbyterian, I might have been a Catholic."
The Methodist Minister chimed in and said, "I've always admired the Amish, with their simple approach to life, their closeness to God and the land. If I hadn't been a Methodist, I think I would have like to have been Amish."
The two then turned to their Baptist Brother who had
suddenly become very quiet. One of them asked, "Well
Brother, if you hadn't been a Baptist, what would you have been?"
His one word reply, "Ashamed."
******************************************************
From a friend:
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening the United States if its territory is invaded. Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities would not hesitate for a moment to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.
********************************
Esther has a heart attack and is taken to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience, during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Esther figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even changed the color of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Esther is leaving the hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car.When Esther arrives in front of God, she asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
********************************
*A Woman's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Oh! That's so cute!
Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Oh goodness no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms. See how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
*A Man's Conversation About a Haircut:*
Haircut?
Yep.
********************************
Checks and balances
At the computer store where this clerk works, many of the suppliers insist
on being paid C.O.D. So it's no surprise when the delivery truck driver
asks for a check.
But there's a problem. "One of our suppliers installed an automated
shipping system that printed the labels for the delivery company," he says.
"They tied the system to their accounts receivable so that any prior
balance would be added to the C.O.D. amount of any current order.
"Trouble was, we had just returned a defective shipment and had a credit
balance. Our next order was for less money than the credit balance. The
system dutifully looked up our balance and printed the C.O.D. tag."
For -$38.47.
Which leaves the clerk and the driver scratching their heads. The driver
knows he can't hand over the shipment without a check. But a check for a
negative amount makes no sense.
"I called my bank and asked what would happen if I wrote a check for
-$34.87," says the clerk. "The branch manager laughed and said it wouldn't
go through their system, so go ahead. I wrote the check, gave it to the
driver and he left."
Then the phone rang. The bank manager had checked with his IT people and
they told him the bank would deposit $38.47 in my account when the check
was processed. They were in a panic!
Fortunately, the delivery company tore up the check when the driver checked in.
I wonder how much the bank spent making sure their software would no longer
accept a negative amount on a check.
Friday, November 05, 2004
hUMOR For November 5th
********************************
From a friend --
Someone spotted this sign front of a small rural
church:
"As the maintenance of the church cemetery is becoming increasingly costly, it would be appreciated if those who are willing, would clip the grass around their own grave."
Also, a sign in front of a funeral parlor read: "Ask about our layaway plan."
******************************************************
From a friend: --AN ALPHABET OF LIFE:
--Act promptly,
--Be courteous,
--Cut out worry,
--Deal squarely,
--Eat what is wholesome,
--Forgive and forget,
--Get right with God,
--Hope always,
--Imitate the best,
--Judge generously,
--Knock nobody,
--Love somebody,
--Make friends,
--Never despair,
--Owe nobody,
--Play occasionally,
--Quote the Bible,
--Read good books,
--Save something,
--Touch no alcohol,
--Use discretion,
--Vote regularly,
--Watch your step
--X-ray yourself,
--Yield to superiors,
--Zealously live.
- Author Unknown
******************************************************
From a friend (edited) -- Critic's Corner
by Charles Lowery
The congregation was not certain that the new preacher could do all that the previous, older preacher had done. The Preacher Search Committee decided to put him to the test. After services, everyone went out to the local lake for a picnic. After loading all of the picnic supplies into a large boat, the congregation climbed aboard and began to cross the lake to an island. Halfway across the lake a member stood up and said, "Oh no, we have forgotten the hot dogs. Someone will have to swim back and get them." Realizing he was being put to the test, the new preacher got out of the boat, walked across the water, and retrieved the hot dogs. Most of the congregation was stunned but one critic said, "See, I told you, that preacher is no good -- he can't even swim."
Critics are everywhere. They sit so far back in the church, by the time they hear it, it's already a rumor. They weren't born again they were born against.
At the beginning of every meeting you feel like calling on them for a word of criticism just to get it over with. Their favorite TV character was Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. Their faces look like Lamentations. They always have that "I'm in pain"
look. Maybe it's the side effect of having an artificial heart.
Actually, I always try to be positive with my critics:
One came up to me last week and I said, "If I had two more just like you, I'd be a happy man." At first, he didn't know what to say. Then he replied, "Charles, what are you talking about? I'm always criticizing you. Why would you be happy if you had two more like me?" "Because I have twenty more like you. If only I had three, I would be a happy man!"
I wish the critics were more specific in their criticism, like: What kind of kite? What lake? Someone has said that any fool can criticize and condemn and complain, and most fools do. For every step forward, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Many times as leaders, we feel like our organizational colors ought to be black and blue. In fact, all leaders are criticized. Lincoln and Washington, two of our greatest presidents, were the most criticized.
Churchill received a standing ovation and a lady commented how flattering it must be to receive that kind of applause. "Yes," he said, "but also know that if it were my hanging, the crowd would be twice the size."
Every great endeavor has its critics. When Robert Fulton first showed off his new invention, the steamboat, skeptics were crowded on the bank yelling, "It'll never start! It'll never start!" It did. It started with a lot of clanking and groaning. As the steamboat made it's way down the river the skeptics were quiet. For one minute. Then they started shouting, "It'll never stop! It'll never stop!
What do you do with your critics? Pray that they will fry in their own grease? What about setting clever traps for them, like the guy who was so upset because his critic was always poking him in the chest. He decided to wire dynamite to his chest so that the next time he poked him, he would go up in smoke. That's not a good idea. Remember that critics who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size.
A critic is a legless man trying to teach track and field. Take the rocks thrown at you and build something. Don't be paranoid. Everybody's not out to get you. Don't quit going to football games because you think they are talking about you in the huddle.
There is no coat that will insulate you from criticism. Prepare for criticism. The greater the work, the greater the criticism. Remember you only get shot at when you are close to the target.
The best way to handle critics is to remember the canal. The builder of the Panama Canal was besieged with criticism. When asked how he was going to handle the critics, he said, "With the canal." Don't get sidetracked if you are on the right track. Stay positive. One football coach says when you are run out of town, go to the head of the line and look as though you are leading a parade. And of course you cannot make everyone happy.
A new arrival in heaven was surprised to see a suggestion box along Main Street. He turned to a more seasoned resident and asked, "If everybody is supposed to happy in heaven, why is there a suggestion box?"
The experienced tenant replied, "Because some people aren't really happy unless they complain."
P.S. Especially for Preachers -- Speaking of heaven, I believe that all of the critics will be in one big church and they will have to rotate criticizing each other. Why is that heaven? Because all of their former preachers will get to watch.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
These cat puns are both horrible and painful! You were warned.
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? - A duck filled fatty puss!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? - He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? - There was some money in the kitty.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? - Shredded tweet!
What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play? - Tabby or not tabby! That is the question.
What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do? - Light mouse work
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - Because she wanted to mail the litter
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? - To a mewseum (!!!!)
What kind of cars do cats drive? - Catillacs
What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films? - Disney Spells
Where did the first cats live? - Purr-sia and Paw-tugal
What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat? - A peeping Tom
Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan? - He had two brothers in the racket.
********************************
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise." Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
********************************
Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"
********************************
New Nurse
A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid!
Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around
here."
From a friend --
Someone spotted this sign front of a small rural
church:
"As the maintenance of the church cemetery is becoming increasingly costly, it would be appreciated if those who are willing, would clip the grass around their own grave."
Also, a sign in front of a funeral parlor read: "Ask about our layaway plan."
******************************************************
From a friend: --AN ALPHABET OF LIFE:
--Act promptly,
--Be courteous,
--Cut out worry,
--Deal squarely,
--Eat what is wholesome,
--Forgive and forget,
--Get right with God,
--Hope always,
--Imitate the best,
--Judge generously,
--Knock nobody,
--Love somebody,
--Make friends,
--Never despair,
--Owe nobody,
--Play occasionally,
--Quote the Bible,
--Read good books,
--Save something,
--Touch no alcohol,
--Use discretion,
--Vote regularly,
--Watch your step
--X-ray yourself,
--Yield to superiors,
--Zealously live.
- Author Unknown
******************************************************
From a friend (edited) -- Critic's Corner
by Charles Lowery
The congregation was not certain that the new preacher could do all that the previous, older preacher had done. The Preacher Search Committee decided to put him to the test. After services, everyone went out to the local lake for a picnic. After loading all of the picnic supplies into a large boat, the congregation climbed aboard and began to cross the lake to an island. Halfway across the lake a member stood up and said, "Oh no, we have forgotten the hot dogs. Someone will have to swim back and get them." Realizing he was being put to the test, the new preacher got out of the boat, walked across the water, and retrieved the hot dogs. Most of the congregation was stunned but one critic said, "See, I told you, that preacher is no good -- he can't even swim."
Critics are everywhere. They sit so far back in the church, by the time they hear it, it's already a rumor. They weren't born again they were born against.
At the beginning of every meeting you feel like calling on them for a word of criticism just to get it over with. Their favorite TV character was Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street. Their faces look like Lamentations. They always have that "I'm in pain"
look. Maybe it's the side effect of having an artificial heart.
Actually, I always try to be positive with my critics:
One came up to me last week and I said, "If I had two more just like you, I'd be a happy man." At first, he didn't know what to say. Then he replied, "Charles, what are you talking about? I'm always criticizing you. Why would you be happy if you had two more like me?" "Because I have twenty more like you. If only I had three, I would be a happy man!"
I wish the critics were more specific in their criticism, like: What kind of kite? What lake? Someone has said that any fool can criticize and condemn and complain, and most fools do. For every step forward, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Many times as leaders, we feel like our organizational colors ought to be black and blue. In fact, all leaders are criticized. Lincoln and Washington, two of our greatest presidents, were the most criticized.
Churchill received a standing ovation and a lady commented how flattering it must be to receive that kind of applause. "Yes," he said, "but also know that if it were my hanging, the crowd would be twice the size."
Every great endeavor has its critics. When Robert Fulton first showed off his new invention, the steamboat, skeptics were crowded on the bank yelling, "It'll never start! It'll never start!" It did. It started with a lot of clanking and groaning. As the steamboat made it's way down the river the skeptics were quiet. For one minute. Then they started shouting, "It'll never stop! It'll never stop!
What do you do with your critics? Pray that they will fry in their own grease? What about setting clever traps for them, like the guy who was so upset because his critic was always poking him in the chest. He decided to wire dynamite to his chest so that the next time he poked him, he would go up in smoke. That's not a good idea. Remember that critics who try to whittle you down are only trying to reduce you to their size.
A critic is a legless man trying to teach track and field. Take the rocks thrown at you and build something. Don't be paranoid. Everybody's not out to get you. Don't quit going to football games because you think they are talking about you in the huddle.
There is no coat that will insulate you from criticism. Prepare for criticism. The greater the work, the greater the criticism. Remember you only get shot at when you are close to the target.
The best way to handle critics is to remember the canal. The builder of the Panama Canal was besieged with criticism. When asked how he was going to handle the critics, he said, "With the canal." Don't get sidetracked if you are on the right track. Stay positive. One football coach says when you are run out of town, go to the head of the line and look as though you are leading a parade. And of course you cannot make everyone happy.
A new arrival in heaven was surprised to see a suggestion box along Main Street. He turned to a more seasoned resident and asked, "If everybody is supposed to happy in heaven, why is there a suggestion box?"
The experienced tenant replied, "Because some people aren't really happy unless they complain."
P.S. Especially for Preachers -- Speaking of heaven, I believe that all of the critics will be in one big church and they will have to rotate criticizing each other. Why is that heaven? Because all of their former preachers will get to watch.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
These cat puns are both horrible and painful! You were warned.
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? - A duck filled fatty puss!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? - He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath.
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? - There was some money in the kitty.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? - Shredded tweet!
What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play? - Tabby or not tabby! That is the question.
What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do? - Light mouse work
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - Because she wanted to mail the litter
Where did the kittens go on their class trip? - To a mewseum (!!!!)
What kind of cars do cats drive? - Catillacs
What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films? - Disney Spells
Where did the first cats live? - Purr-sia and Paw-tugal
What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat? - A peeping Tom
Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan? - He had two brothers in the racket.
********************************
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise." Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
********************************
Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"
********************************
New Nurse
A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid!
Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around
here."
Thursday, November 04, 2004
hUMOR For Novermber 4th
**********************************
Express Checkout
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local
supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few
condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few
friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he
headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long
line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the
check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with
groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly
cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked
ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
********************************
Thanks to JB (formerly known as M/M Riverrats - trying to save on typing... lazy, ain't it???)
Always try to help a friend in need.
but remember... it's ok to be afraid sometimes.
Give lots of kisses.
Meet new people.
Take a nap if you need one..
Love your friends, no matter who they are.
Don't waste food.
RELAX.. EVEN, ON THOSE STRESSFUL DAYS!!
Try to have a little fun each day...
Share a joke with your friends and neighbors,
and fall in love with someone special...
Say "I love you" often.
Express yourself creatively.
Remember the saying, Good things happen to good people!
There is always someone who loves you more than you know.
Exercise a little each day!
Live up to your name.
Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between!
And remember, this friend is thinking about you.
Have a wonderful day!
******************************************************
From a friend: TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
********************************
*Laws of Parenting*
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
********************************
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.
The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
********************************
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath.
Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on.
They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God."
A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled them first."
********************************
Mother's Patience
Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his
mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more
time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"
Express Checkout
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local
supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few
condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few
friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he
headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long
line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the
check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with
groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly
cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked
ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
********************************
Thanks to JB (formerly known as M/M Riverrats - trying to save on typing... lazy, ain't it???)
Always try to help a friend in need.
but remember... it's ok to be afraid sometimes.
Give lots of kisses.
Meet new people.
Take a nap if you need one..
Love your friends, no matter who they are.
Don't waste food.
RELAX.. EVEN, ON THOSE STRESSFUL DAYS!!
Try to have a little fun each day...
Share a joke with your friends and neighbors,
and fall in love with someone special...
Say "I love you" often.
Express yourself creatively.
Remember the saying, Good things happen to good people!
There is always someone who loves you more than you know.
Exercise a little each day!
Live up to your name.
Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between!
And remember, this friend is thinking about you.
Have a wonderful day!
******************************************************
From a friend: TEN RULES OF HOUSEKEEPING
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
********************************
*Laws of Parenting*
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
********************************
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.
The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"
********************************
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical students gambling and drinking on Sabbath.
Next day, Rabbi Bloom called them into his office and asked them what was going on.
They immediately confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from God."
A few days later, the two students met each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled them first."
********************************
Mother's Patience
Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his
mother's patience was wearing thin. "If I hear you call 'Mother' one more
time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heart a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
hUMOR For November 3rd
********************************
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
********************************
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who on earth is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." So I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
********************************
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."
The little friend said, "Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who on earth is she and why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." So I guess I'll just have to get used to it.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
A LITTLE hUMOR FOR NOVEMBER 2nd
********************************
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and John Kerry were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot him was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!". Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.The last person, John Kerry, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and leap over the wall." As the squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in hisdirection, he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and John Kerry were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot him was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!". Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.The last person, John Kerry, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and leap over the wall." As the squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in hisdirection, he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"
Monday, November 01, 2004
hUMOR For November 1st
********************************
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
********************************
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
********************************
Fred was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Fred struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sally visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?"
"My life insurance policy."
********************************
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children.
The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two O's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show), . . . you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 O's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
********************************
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
********************************
Fred was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Fred struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sally visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?"
"My life insurance policy."
********************************
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children.
The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two O's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show), . . . you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 O's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
Sunday, October 31, 2004
hUMOR For October 31st
********************************
*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
********************************
*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
********************************
BIG JOHN
Tennessee Ernie couldn't have done it better.
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive
Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five
Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine
And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul
His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll
'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes
It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown
'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star
The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won
Then turned against his country and his Navy friends
And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows
Giving aid and comfort to America's foes
It was clear to see whose side he was on
Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore
He never had to work a day in his life
'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives
To help ensure that our nation survives
A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face
To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced...
FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
********************************
My friend PW sent this to me and I just had to forward it to some friends... I hope you enjoy it! Tim
Why you need to vote....
My Nightmare ...
Nov. 3, 2004
I woke up on the morning of November 3, 2004 to find:
John Kerry - President
John Edwards - Vice-President
Jane Fonda - Secretary of Defense
Michael Moore - Foreign Secretary
Whoopi Goldberg - Secretary of Interior Jessie Jackson & Bill Clinton - Chaplain & Moral Advisor to the White House Al Gore - Head of FBI, CIA & Homeland Security Tom Daschle - Senate Majority Leader Howard Dean - First Speech Writer & No. 1 Advisor to the White House Hillary Clinton - No. 1 Queen of Everything
Don't laugh, it could happen unless you get out there and vote!!!!!!
********************************
Thanks to La Mc -- In Conclusion...
Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client...
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant...
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
Bubba was acquitted.
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mc -- An Apt title???
A local preacher joined a community-service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.
Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.
The preacher responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the sheep'... but you know your people better than I do!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Ozella -- Some Funny Ones...
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk holding the beautiful package.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation"
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets..."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Preacher," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay", said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
********************************
*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
********************************
BIG JOHN
Tennessee Ernie couldn't have done it better.
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive
Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five
Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine
And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul
His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll
'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes
It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown
'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star
The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won
Then turned against his country and his Navy friends
And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows
Giving aid and comfort to America's foes
It was clear to see whose side he was on
Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore
He never had to work a day in his life
'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives
To help ensure that our nation survives
A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face
To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced...
FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
********************************
My friend PW sent this to me and I just had to forward it to some friends... I hope you enjoy it! Tim
Why you need to vote....
My Nightmare ...
Nov. 3, 2004
I woke up on the morning of November 3, 2004 to find:
John Kerry - President
John Edwards - Vice-President
Jane Fonda - Secretary of Defense
Michael Moore - Foreign Secretary
Whoopi Goldberg - Secretary of Interior Jessie Jackson & Bill Clinton - Chaplain & Moral Advisor to the White House Al Gore - Head of FBI, CIA & Homeland Security Tom Daschle - Senate Majority Leader Howard Dean - First Speech Writer & No. 1 Advisor to the White House Hillary Clinton - No. 1 Queen of Everything
Don't laugh, it could happen unless you get out there and vote!!!!!!
********************************
Thanks to La Mc -- In Conclusion...
Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client...
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant...
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
Bubba was acquitted.
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mc -- An Apt title???
A local preacher joined a community-service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.
Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.
The preacher responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the sheep'... but you know your people better than I do!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Ozella -- Some Funny Ones...
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk holding the beautiful package.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation"
========
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets..."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Preacher," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay", said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
hUMOR For October 30th
********************************
The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.
He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.
One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."
********************************
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
********************************
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
********************************
KERRY, BUSH AND THE POPE
The Shark!
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Popemobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he
told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred
between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.....how's the bait holding up?"
******************************************************
This is funny because I am living it and thought some of you might be able to relate to it also.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
********************************
Larger Bills
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said
looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized
bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on
the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some
kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his
point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"
The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.
He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.
One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."
********************************
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
********************************
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
********************************
KERRY, BUSH AND THE POPE
The Shark!
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Island in his Popemobile when suddenly he noticed a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.
One of the men, President Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he
told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred
between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick, "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.....how's the bait holding up?"
******************************************************
This is funny because I am living it and thought some of you might be able to relate to it also.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
********************************
Larger Bills
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said
looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized
bills in envelopes. The month before the switch, I had a note printed on
the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, "Is this some
kind of joke?" When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his
point. The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"
Friday, October 29, 2004
hUMOR For October 29th
********************************
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
********************************
Principal Actions
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard
a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and
spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most
noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait
there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal
restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance
of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our
teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?"
"He's in the hall, sir.
********************************
A wonderful story
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said.
"Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own
suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love?
Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
********************************
blond joke
Football analysis by a blonde...
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game,he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
********************************
THE YEAR 1904
The year is 1904 ..one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
********************************
Trick or Treat
The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid
in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kid who he's dressed up as for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy,
leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
Are you BRAVE enough to take the Internet pledge!!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
********************************
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away.
Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
********************************
Principal Actions
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard
a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and
spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most
noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait
there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal
restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance
of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our
teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?"
"He's in the hall, sir.
********************************
A wonderful story
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said.
"Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own
suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love?
Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
********************************
blond joke
Football analysis by a blonde...
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game,he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!
Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
********************************
THE YEAR 1904
The year is 1904 ..one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
********************************
Trick or Treat
The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid
in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kid who he's dressed up as for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy,
leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
hUMOR For October 28
********************************
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the post office.
After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted. "I can't work in the dark," he said.
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy for directions to the post office.
After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
********************************
Two men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted. "I can't work in the dark," he said.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
hUMOR For October 27th
********************************
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
********************************
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Football Sleep
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In who's favor?"
********************************
Darwin's Theory of Evolution Exploded
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two, There's a certain rumor that can't be true, That man descended from our noble race; Why the very idea is itself a disgrace.
"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk
Or pass them on from one to another,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
"And another thing you'll never see-
A monk build a fence 'round a coconut tree And let the coconuts go to waste, Forbidding all other monks to taste; Why, if a put a fence around a coconut tree Starvation would force you to steal from me.
"There's another thing a monk won't do-
Go out at night and get on a stew;
Or use a club, or gun, or knife
To take some other poor monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
******************************************************
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies...
******************************************************
Cowboy wisdom
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which h e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it in to the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
...Now give me back my dog.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
********************************
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
********************************
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Football Sleep
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In who's favor?"
********************************
Darwin's Theory of Evolution Exploded
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they're said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two, There's a certain rumor that can't be true, That man descended from our noble race; Why the very idea is itself a disgrace.
"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life.
And you've never known a mother monk
To leave her babies with others to bunk
Or pass them on from one to another,
Till they scarcely know who is their mother.
"And another thing you'll never see-
A monk build a fence 'round a coconut tree And let the coconuts go to waste, Forbidding all other monks to taste; Why, if a put a fence around a coconut tree Starvation would force you to steal from me.
"There's another thing a monk won't do-
Go out at night and get on a stew;
Or use a club, or gun, or knife
To take some other poor monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss,
But, brother, he didn't descend from us!"
******************************************************
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Don't Mess With Old Ladies...
******************************************************
Cowboy wisdom
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which h e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it in to the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...
...Now give me back my dog.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
hUMOR For October 26th
********************************
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her Ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
Kids and Church
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Don't be too busy today... Share this hilarious message with friends and family.
********************************
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and
their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds
more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a
living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy
here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the
only one who has to."
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her Ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."
********************************
Kids and Church
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Don't be too busy today... Share this hilarious message with friends and family.
********************************
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and
their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds
more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a
living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy
here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the
only one who has to."
Monday, October 25, 2004
hUMOR For October 25th
********************************
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.
*******************************
I don't recall where I first read this,it may have been daily Humor, but I've had a copy of it in my drafts folder for some time now. Hope you enjoy it.
Good Dog...
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the
dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after
kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found
a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog
they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his
wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the
books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing
marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and
finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his
paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors
were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl.
********************************
NO CHEATING!
Don't scroll down until you choose
Which one are you?
No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!
After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry you can only pick one)
*Angel Food Cake
*Brownies
*Lemon Meringue Pie
*Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
*Strawberry Short Cake
*Chocolate on Chocolate
*Ice Cream
*Carrot Cake
NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully, what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Angel Food Cake. . . Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
Brownies. . . You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue Pie. . . Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing. . . Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.
Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake. . . Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate on Chocolate. . . Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate.
You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside.
Not afraid to take chances.
You will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream. . . You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake. . . You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.
*******************************
I don't recall where I first read this,it may have been daily Humor, but I've had a copy of it in my drafts folder for some time now. Hope you enjoy it.
Good Dog...
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the
dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after
kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found
a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog
they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his
wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.
The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the
books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.
The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing
marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and
finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his
paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors
were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl.
********************************
NO CHEATING!
Don't scroll down until you choose
Which one are you?
No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!
After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry you can only pick one)
*Angel Food Cake
*Brownies
*Lemon Meringue Pie
*Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
*Strawberry Short Cake
*Chocolate on Chocolate
*Ice Cream
*Carrot Cake
NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully, what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Angel Food Cake. . . Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
Brownies. . . You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue Pie. . . Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing. . . Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.
Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake. . . Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate on Chocolate. . . Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate.
You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside.
Not afraid to take chances.
You will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream. . . You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake. . . You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
hUMOR For October 24th
********************************
911 Call
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang ...
I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang ...
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.
********************************
Enter México illegally.
Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in México.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time.
Because it will never happen. In México or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naïve.
God Bless America---She needs it.
******************************************************
Hillbilly Etiquite
1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a jo b that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to chara cters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
********************************
On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money.
"We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
********************************
Honk If You Love Jesus
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.
"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."
"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection."
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.
Honk if you love Jesus!!!"
DEO VINDICE
911 Call
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang ...
I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang ...
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.
********************************
Enter México illegally.
Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in México.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time.
Because it will never happen. In México or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naïve.
God Bless America---She needs it.
******************************************************
Hillbilly Etiquite
1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a jo b that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to chara cters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
********************************
On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money.
"We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
********************************
Honk If You Love Jesus
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.
"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."
"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection."
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.
Honk if you love Jesus!!!"
DEO VINDICE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)