********************************
Words to Live By
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....
******************************************************
The "Gippers" Wisdom
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
"The most terrifying words in the English language
are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too stong."
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me. Even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
All quotes of Presiden Ronald Reagan.
*****************************************************
(These do not apply to criminals, who will be able to get a gun in spite of gun regulations of gun abolishment. L.B.S.) a.. An armed person is a citizen. An unarmed person is a subject.
b.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c.. Smith &Wesson: The original point and click interface.
d.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g.. Free people do not ask permission to bear arms.
h.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither- 60,000,000 Citizens were exterminated by their own governments in the 20th century.... will the 21st be any better???
j.. The United States Constitution - 1791. All Rights Reserved.
k.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
o.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
r.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s.. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
t.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
u.. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens tries to control them v.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w.. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y.. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."
********************************
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
********************************
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
********************************
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
Pretty Smart
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess,
who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the
theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and
bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered
doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,"
carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!"
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Monday, October 18, 2004
hUMOR For October 18th
********************************
It all makes sense now
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .....
When you have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
******************************************************
FARM PUTER' TALK ! ! ! !
LOG ON: ...Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: ...Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: ...Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: ...Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: ...Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: ...Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: ...That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: ...Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: ...Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: ...Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: ...Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: ...Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: ...Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: ...Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: ...Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: ...Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: ...Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: ...Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: ...Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: ...Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: ...Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: ...When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: ...That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.
WHAT'S LOADED ON A FARMER'S COMPUTER.
- Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
- Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
- Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
- Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
- Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
- The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
- Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
- Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
- Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
- Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
- Daisy Duke screen saver.
- Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
- Microsoft CEO "Billy- Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
- "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
- One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
- "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
- Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
- Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker- "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
********************************
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
It all makes sense now
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .....
When you have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
******************************************************
FARM PUTER' TALK ! ! ! !
LOG ON: ...Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: ...Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: ...Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: ...Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: ...Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: ...Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: ...That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: ...Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: ...Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: ...Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: ...Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: ...Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: ...Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: ...Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: ...Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: ...Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: ...Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: ...Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: ...Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: ...Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: ...Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: ...When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: ...That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.
WHAT'S LOADED ON A FARMER'S COMPUTER.
- Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
- Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
- Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
- Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
- Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
- The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
- Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
- Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
- Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
- Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
- Daisy Duke screen saver.
- Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
- Microsoft CEO "Billy- Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
- "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
- One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
- "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
- Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
- Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker- "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
********************************
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Sunday, October 17, 2004
hUMOR For October 17th
********************************
Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
******************************************************
Mow the Grass
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments.
When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.....
Graveside Service
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
******************************************************
WORKOUT FOR SENIORS
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them
..... What a Workout!
********************************
*Vacation Term Translation*
In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...
Old world charm =No bath
Tropical =Rainy
Majestic setting =A long way from town
Options galore =Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway =Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms =Already occupied
Explore on your own =Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts =They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees =No extras
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Biblical Baseball
Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"
Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."
******************************************************
Mow the Grass
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments.
When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.....
Graveside Service
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
******************************************************
WORKOUT FOR SENIORS
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them
..... What a Workout!
********************************
*Vacation Term Translation*
In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...
Old world charm =No bath
Tropical =Rainy
Majestic setting =A long way from town
Options galore =Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway =Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms =Already occupied
Explore on your own =Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts =They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees =No extras
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Biblical Baseball
Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"
Saturday, October 16, 2004
hUMOR For October 16
********************************
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.."Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
********************************
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
********************************
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
********************************
Voting Tips
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this
election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip
waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask
them to vote for you."
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.."Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
********************************
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
********************************
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
********************************
Voting Tips
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this
election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip
waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask
them to vote for you."
Friday, October 15, 2004
hUMOR For October15th
Routine Physical
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the
basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The
nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, about six feet," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was
tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"
Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."
"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.
Received from CLEAN LAFFS.
********************************
Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:
Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
******************************************************
No offense to Texans, but - You Know You're from
Texas when:
You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."
You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.
********************************
Helping a Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the
basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The
nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, about six feet," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was
tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"
Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."
"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.
Received from CLEAN LAFFS.
********************************
Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:
Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.
Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.
******************************************************
No offense to Texans, but - You Know You're from
Texas when:
You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.
Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."
You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.
You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.
You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.
********************************
Helping a Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Thursday, October 14, 2004
hUMOR For Oct. 14th
********************************
Breakthrough?
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way
to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys
were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation
area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an
idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a
series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
********************************
Definitions
Aquadextrious: The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.
Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate idiots.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.
Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. (this one hurts a
bit)
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately needs it.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
******************************************************
Message from the Rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it... not just to keep up with the neighbors.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whipped .. by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Roves Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef' Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go North & South.
Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot .. his name is "Sir"...
no matter how old he is.
Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have wheat to plant.
********************************
Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it.Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"
********************************
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner...
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
********************************
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them. Puzzled by what the letters meant, he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and that the question was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these baseball caps!"
********************************
A Yuppie Counting CattleA west Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture whensuddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his PalmPilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheetwith hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives aresponse. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Thenthe cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly whatyour business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says thecowboy."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer Ialready knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........Now give me back my dog."********************************
Breakthrough?
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way
to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys
were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation
area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an
idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a
series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
********************************
Definitions
Aquadextrious: The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.
Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate idiots.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.
Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. (this one hurts a
bit)
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately needs it.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
******************************************************
Message from the Rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it... not just to keep up with the neighbors.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whipped .. by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Roves Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef' Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go North & South.
Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot .. his name is "Sir"...
no matter how old he is.
Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have wheat to plant.
********************************
Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it.Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"
********************************
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner...
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
********************************
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them. Puzzled by what the letters meant, he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and that the question was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these baseball caps!"
********************************
A Yuppie Counting CattleA west Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture whensuddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his PalmPilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheetwith hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives aresponse. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Thenthe cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly whatyour business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says thecowboy."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer Ialready knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........Now give me back my dog."********************************
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
hUMOR For October 13th
********************************
Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...
After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Paster Mike said when he left!"
********************************
Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...
After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Paster Mike said when he left!"
********************************
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene.
As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send a blind policeman!"
********************************
A friend of mine decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but then my friend begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ...
the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.
********************************
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable. (2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...
After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Paster Mike said when he left!"
********************************
Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...
After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Paster Mike said when he left!"
********************************
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene.
As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send a blind policeman!"
********************************
A friend of mine decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but then my friend begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ...
the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.
********************************
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable. (2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
hUMOR For October 12th
********************************
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"
********************************
Catherine, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
********************************
The Emperor's Seeds
An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom together one day.
He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today, one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by; still nothing in Ling's pot.
He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot but his Mother said he must be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his Mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful-in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kids laughed at him.
A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try." When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his Empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!" When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him.
The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?
Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds, which would not grow.
All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap
reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles But if you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness If you plant pride, you will reap destruction.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.
So be careful what you plant now, it will determine what you will reap tomorrow.
The seeds you now scatter will make life worse or better, for your life or the ones who will come after.
Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, or you will pay for the choices' you plant today.
********************************
Touche'...
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"
********************************
Catherine, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
********************************
The Emperor's Seeds
An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom together one day.
He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today, one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor!"
One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.
After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing.
By now, others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by; still nothing in Ling's pot.
He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot but his Mother said he must be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his Mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful-in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kids laughed at him.
A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try." When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!"
All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his Empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!" When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him.
The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?
Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds, which would not grow.
All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap
reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles But if you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness If you plant pride, you will reap destruction.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.
So be careful what you plant now, it will determine what you will reap tomorrow.
The seeds you now scatter will make life worse or better, for your life or the ones who will come after.
Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, or you will pay for the choices' you plant today.
********************************
Touche'...
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"
Monday, October 11, 2004
hUMOR For Oct 11
********************************
Walk the Path
Early one morning a young boy set off on a trip to see his grandmother who lived ten miles away. The road he walked was well worn from 200 years of travel.
A few miles into his journey he came to a point where the road took a wide detour up a steep hill. The young boy could see his destination only a short distance away, across a beautiful meadow with flowers and tall green grass.
The boy thought how stupid it was that so many people walked miles out of their way, up and down hills, rather than just cut across the meadow. He was too smart for that!
He set off at a run. "Oh, this is much better!" he thought_ right before he tripped and slammed to the ground. The beautiful ground cover was made up of sticky vines covered with thorns. They tore at his hands as he struggled to free his legs. An hour later, exhausted and bloodied, he sat on an old log to catch his breath.
Just as he started to relax, the first bee stung him.
Within moments, he had been stung a hundred times. He ran screaming, and escaped the angry swarm.
He came to a small pond with the most inviting blue water he had ever seen. It smelled lovely, too. He drank deep, only to convulse in pain as his body rejected the poisonous liquid.
Many hours later, he found himself slogging through waist deep mud. The flowing green grass that had looked so inviting on the other side of the meadow hid a swamp so putrid and foul that he longed for the smell of a fresh skunk to ease the pain in his nostrils.
As night fell, the boy finally emerged from the beautiful meadow and walked the short distance along the road to his grandmother_s house. She met him at the door looking quite worried.
When she saw his condition, she smiled and said, "Ah!
I see you took the shortcut."
******************************************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
******************************************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- Why you're not allowed to play in the cockpit!!
FLIGHT DATA RECORDER (FDR) TRANSCRIPTS:
Cleaner #1: "Hey Bob I really don't think were supposed to be up here."
Cleaner #2: "Tony, you're such a worry wart. Anyhow, we're suppose to be up here remember, were cleaning this bird."
Cleaner #1: "Are you sure? I thought they told us to stay out of the cockpit"
Cleaner #2: ""Hey look at me I'm a pilot!!!...(Deep
Voice) Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking were at an altitude of 30,000 feet and Oh my God watch out for that mountain.........Ahhhhhhhh (laughter).
Cleaner #1: Hey man cut it out....Hey don't touch that it says "engine start" on it...
Cleaner #2: Don't worry....they always turn these things off while they're at the gate.
(Engine sounds in background....cleaners unaware)
Cleaner #2: Ready for takeoff......VRRRRRROOOOM VRRRRROOOOM (Throttles rapidly moved from idle to full and back to idle and full again) WEEEEEEEE!
Cleaner #1: OH no were moving!!!
Cleaner #2: WERE GOING TO HIT THE WALL RUN
(Cockpit door opens and slams shut. Occupants heard running to back of the airplane screaming and yelling)
30 seconds later...... Throttles pulled back to
idle.
(I Don't think those gentlemen have a job there
anymore!!!)
********************************
*Sunday School Lesson #1*
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
*Sunday School Lesson #2*
The same Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
Jenny, a thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd vomit!"
Walk the Path
Early one morning a young boy set off on a trip to see his grandmother who lived ten miles away. The road he walked was well worn from 200 years of travel.
A few miles into his journey he came to a point where the road took a wide detour up a steep hill. The young boy could see his destination only a short distance away, across a beautiful meadow with flowers and tall green grass.
The boy thought how stupid it was that so many people walked miles out of their way, up and down hills, rather than just cut across the meadow. He was too smart for that!
He set off at a run. "Oh, this is much better!" he thought_ right before he tripped and slammed to the ground. The beautiful ground cover was made up of sticky vines covered with thorns. They tore at his hands as he struggled to free his legs. An hour later, exhausted and bloodied, he sat on an old log to catch his breath.
Just as he started to relax, the first bee stung him.
Within moments, he had been stung a hundred times. He ran screaming, and escaped the angry swarm.
He came to a small pond with the most inviting blue water he had ever seen. It smelled lovely, too. He drank deep, only to convulse in pain as his body rejected the poisonous liquid.
Many hours later, he found himself slogging through waist deep mud. The flowing green grass that had looked so inviting on the other side of the meadow hid a swamp so putrid and foul that he longed for the smell of a fresh skunk to ease the pain in his nostrils.
As night fell, the boy finally emerged from the beautiful meadow and walked the short distance along the road to his grandmother_s house. She met him at the door looking quite worried.
When she saw his condition, she smiled and said, "Ah!
I see you took the shortcut."
******************************************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
******************************************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- Why you're not allowed to play in the cockpit!!
FLIGHT DATA RECORDER (FDR) TRANSCRIPTS:
Cleaner #1: "Hey Bob I really don't think were supposed to be up here."
Cleaner #2: "Tony, you're such a worry wart. Anyhow, we're suppose to be up here remember, were cleaning this bird."
Cleaner #1: "Are you sure? I thought they told us to stay out of the cockpit"
Cleaner #2: ""Hey look at me I'm a pilot!!!...(Deep
Voice) Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking were at an altitude of 30,000 feet and Oh my God watch out for that mountain.........Ahhhhhhhh (laughter).
Cleaner #1: Hey man cut it out....Hey don't touch that it says "engine start" on it...
Cleaner #2: Don't worry....they always turn these things off while they're at the gate.
(Engine sounds in background....cleaners unaware)
Cleaner #2: Ready for takeoff......VRRRRRROOOOM VRRRRROOOOM (Throttles rapidly moved from idle to full and back to idle and full again) WEEEEEEEE!
Cleaner #1: OH no were moving!!!
Cleaner #2: WERE GOING TO HIT THE WALL RUN
(Cockpit door opens and slams shut. Occupants heard running to back of the airplane screaming and yelling)
30 seconds later...... Throttles pulled back to
idle.
(I Don't think those gentlemen have a job there
anymore!!!)
********************************
*Sunday School Lesson #1*
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
*Sunday School Lesson #2*
The same Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
Jenny, a thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd vomit!"
Sunday, October 10, 2004
hUMOR For October 10
********************************
Did you know........
This must take a special kind of person.
1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns and Why?
21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one-gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.
3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time, and if not, why not?
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face, and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
5. How often are the guards changed?
Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?
For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30."
Other requirements of the Guard:
They must commit Two years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.
After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn.
The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.
The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt. There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform.
Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.
The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV.
All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame.
Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.
ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM..
I don't know if you saw this in the news but it really impressed me. Funny, our US Senate/House took 2 days off, as they couldn't work because of the expected storm.
On the ABC evening news, it was reported that, because of the dangers from Hurricane Isabelle approaching Washington DC, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment.
They respectfully declined the offer, "No Way, Sir!"
Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service-person.
The Tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.
We can be very proud of our young men and women in the service no matter where they serve.
God Bless them.
******************************************************
From The Heart
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother......
As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. ....."Don't forget your girlfriends," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass..... "They'll be more important as you get older. ... No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends.
... Remember to go places with them now and then....... do things with them..... And remember that girlfriends are not only your friends, but your sisters your daughters, and other relatives too......
You'll need other women. .
What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought..... 'Haven't I just gotten married?.....
Haven't I just joined the couple-world?
... I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grown-up, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! ....
Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' ..
But she listened to her Mother..... she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year...... As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about...... As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman.....
girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.....
After 50 years of living in this world, here is what she learned: Times passes...... Life happens.
.Distance separates. .... Children grow up..... Love waxes and wanes. .... Hearts break. .... Careers end.
... Jobs come and go.... Parents die.... . Colleagues forget favors..... Men don't call when they say they will..... BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you..... A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can Reach...... When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself..... your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim.... cheering you on.... praying for you.... pulling for you.....
intervening on your behalf, and .waiting with open arms at the valley's end. .
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...... Or come in and carry you out.......
Daughters, sisters, mother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, Auntie's, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless our life! ..... The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I....... When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead...... Nor did we know how much we would need each other....... Every day, we need each other still.......
********************************
Tattoo
When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home
a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my
four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.
Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor,
"Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
********************************
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
Did you know........
This must take a special kind of person.
1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns and Why?
21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one-gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?
21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.
3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time, and if not, why not?
He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face, and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
5. How often are the guards changed?
Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?
For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30."
Other requirements of the Guard:
They must commit Two years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.
After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn.
The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.
The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt. There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform.
Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.
The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV.
All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame.
Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.
ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM..
I don't know if you saw this in the news but it really impressed me. Funny, our US Senate/House took 2 days off, as they couldn't work because of the expected storm.
On the ABC evening news, it was reported that, because of the dangers from Hurricane Isabelle approaching Washington DC, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment.
They respectfully declined the offer, "No Way, Sir!"
Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service-person.
The Tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.
We can be very proud of our young men and women in the service no matter where they serve.
God Bless them.
******************************************************
From The Heart
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother......
As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. ....."Don't forget your girlfriends," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass..... "They'll be more important as you get older. ... No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends.
... Remember to go places with them now and then....... do things with them..... And remember that girlfriends are not only your friends, but your sisters your daughters, and other relatives too......
You'll need other women. .
What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought..... 'Haven't I just gotten married?.....
Haven't I just joined the couple-world?
... I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grown-up, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! ....
Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' ..
But she listened to her Mother..... she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year...... As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about...... As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman.....
girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.....
After 50 years of living in this world, here is what she learned: Times passes...... Life happens.
.Distance separates. .... Children grow up..... Love waxes and wanes. .... Hearts break. .... Careers end.
... Jobs come and go.... Parents die.... . Colleagues forget favors..... Men don't call when they say they will..... BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you..... A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can Reach...... When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself..... your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim.... cheering you on.... praying for you.... pulling for you.....
intervening on your behalf, and .waiting with open arms at the valley's end. .
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...... Or come in and carry you out.......
Daughters, sisters, mother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, Auntie's, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless our life! ..... The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I....... When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead...... Nor did we know how much we would need each other....... Every day, we need each other still.......
********************************
Tattoo
When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home
a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my
four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.
Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor,
"Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
********************************
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
hUMOR For Oct. 9th
********************************
*Rules For Bank Robbers*
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass., fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
********************************
Parenthood
** If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
** Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
** The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
** Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.
** The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
** Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
** The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
** Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
** Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
** Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
** There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
** Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
** Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
** Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
** There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and his mother's age.
** Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
** An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
********************************
The Taxi Craze
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
*Rules For Bank Robbers*
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass., fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
********************************
Parenthood
** If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
** Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
** The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
** Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.
** The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
** Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
** The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
** Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
** Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
** Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
** There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
** Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
** Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
** Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
** There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and his mother's age.
** Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
** An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
********************************
The Taxi Craze
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
Friday, October 08, 2004
hUMOR For October 8th
********************************
Mortality
I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widow. One day my
daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, "I think it's
time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried."
"It's way too soon to even think of anything like that," she snapped
indignantly. Then there was a brief silence.
"Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?"
When I repeated buried, she said, "Oh, okay, sure."
********************************
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]
********************************
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
********************************
Bank Robber
Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the
third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"
********************************
Andy Says... Just Think About This!
** The present was an egg laid by the past that had the future inside its shell. - Zora Neale Hurston
** All things are connected. We did not weave the web of life; we are but a strand it in. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the people of the earth. -- Chief Seattle
** There are things known, and there are things unknown. And in between are the doors. -- Jim Morrison
** We are drowning in information and starving for knowledge. -- Rutherford D. Roger
** The worst use that can be made of success is to boast of it. - Arthur Helps (1813 - 1875), Writer
** The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. - Robert C. Dodds, Writer
** You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. - Colette (1873 - 1954), Writer
** A truly great person is the one who gives you a chance. - Paul Duffy, Writer
** Backbone beats wishbone every time.
** Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, U.S.
Ambassador to the U.N.
******************************************************
Pumpkin clarified
A woman was asked by a co-worker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The co-worker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin.
God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
******************************************************
2004 Election Voter Guide
Depending on the way you lean, the following information could have bearing on decisions you make November 2004.
Issues of Importance?
Gay Marriage
President Bush is opposed
John Kerry favors
Partial-Birth Abortion
President Bush is opposed
John Kerry favors
Restoring voluntary prayer in the public schools President Bush Favors John Kerry is Opposed
Assault on Mel Gibson for making film about Christ President Bush supports Gibson John Kerry participated in Left's assault on Gibson, suggesting possible anti-Semitism even though Kerry had not seen the film.
Assault on boy Scouts for belief in God and not allowing Homosexual Scout Leaders President Bush supports Boy Scouts' stand John Kerry opposes boy Scouts' stand
Asking for God's blessing on America
President Bush often asks God to bless America in his speeches John Kerry attacks Bush for mentioning God so often
Judges
President bush says "We need common-sense judges who believe our rights are derived from God."
John Kerry insists on judges who support the ACLU's radical anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-family agenda.
John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments.
Overall Record
President Bush does not vote on issues before Congress but, based on his publicly stated positions, would receive an 85% conservative rating from the American Conservative Union if he did.
John Kerry, according to the highly respected, politically-neutral National Journal rates Kerry the most liberal U. S. Senator in 2003 -- more liberal than Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.
Mortality
I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widow. One day my
daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, "I think it's
time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried."
"It's way too soon to even think of anything like that," she snapped
indignantly. Then there was a brief silence.
"Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?"
When I repeated buried, she said, "Oh, okay, sure."
********************************
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]
********************************
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
********************************
Bank Robber
Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the
third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"
********************************
Andy Says... Just Think About This!
** The present was an egg laid by the past that had the future inside its shell. - Zora Neale Hurston
** All things are connected. We did not weave the web of life; we are but a strand it in. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the people of the earth. -- Chief Seattle
** There are things known, and there are things unknown. And in between are the doors. -- Jim Morrison
** We are drowning in information and starving for knowledge. -- Rutherford D. Roger
** The worst use that can be made of success is to boast of it. - Arthur Helps (1813 - 1875), Writer
** The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. - Robert C. Dodds, Writer
** You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. - Colette (1873 - 1954), Writer
** A truly great person is the one who gives you a chance. - Paul Duffy, Writer
** Backbone beats wishbone every time.
** Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, U.S.
Ambassador to the U.N.
******************************************************
Pumpkin clarified
A woman was asked by a co-worker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The co-worker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin.
God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
******************************************************
2004 Election Voter Guide
Depending on the way you lean, the following information could have bearing on decisions you make November 2004.
Issues of Importance?
Gay Marriage
President Bush is opposed
John Kerry favors
Partial-Birth Abortion
President Bush is opposed
John Kerry favors
Restoring voluntary prayer in the public schools President Bush Favors John Kerry is Opposed
Assault on Mel Gibson for making film about Christ President Bush supports Gibson John Kerry participated in Left's assault on Gibson, suggesting possible anti-Semitism even though Kerry had not seen the film.
Assault on boy Scouts for belief in God and not allowing Homosexual Scout Leaders President Bush supports Boy Scouts' stand John Kerry opposes boy Scouts' stand
Asking for God's blessing on America
President Bush often asks God to bless America in his speeches John Kerry attacks Bush for mentioning God so often
Judges
President bush says "We need common-sense judges who believe our rights are derived from God."
John Kerry insists on judges who support the ACLU's radical anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-family agenda.
John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments.
Overall Record
President Bush does not vote on issues before Congress but, based on his publicly stated positions, would receive an 85% conservative rating from the American Conservative Union if he did.
John Kerry, according to the highly respected, politically-neutral National Journal rates Kerry the most liberal U. S. Senator in 2003 -- more liberal than Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
hUMOR For October 7th
********************************
Insurance Claim
(This is an oldie but a goodie)
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to
the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART....
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000.00 fine
********************************
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and -- noticing her well long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
********************************
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election.
"More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said.
My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief.
"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"
********************************
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
Insurance Claim
(This is an oldie but a goodie)
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to
the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART....
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000.00 fine
********************************
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and -- noticing her well long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
********************************
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election.
"More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said.
My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief.
"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"
********************************
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
hUMOR For October 6th
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
********************************
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
********************************
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."
********************************
Real Blonde Jokes!
Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. "What? What?"
Q. What do you call a blonde at college?
A. A visitor.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A. Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q. Why can't blondes become elevator operators?
A. Too difficult to learn the route.
Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. Because they don't know any better.
Q. What's the best thing a blonde can make for dinner?
A. Reservations.
Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. I don't know. Neither did she.
******************************************************
Bush and Bin Laden's Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle their whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they had produced the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the huge, vicious Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but, when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."
******************************************************
Dogs and Cats
FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
********************************
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
********************************
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."
********************************
Real Blonde Jokes!
Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. "What? What?"
Q. What do you call a blonde at college?
A. A visitor.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A. Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q. Why can't blondes become elevator operators?
A. Too difficult to learn the route.
Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. Because they don't know any better.
Q. What's the best thing a blonde can make for dinner?
A. Reservations.
Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. I don't know. Neither did she.
******************************************************
Bush and Bin Laden's Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle their whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they had produced the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the huge, vicious Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but, when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."
******************************************************
Dogs and Cats
FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
hUMOR For October 5th
********************************
My Town Is So Tough It Has...
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects
********************************
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way right, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"No way," says Bob, his competitive playing partner. "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After deliverying his opponent to the middle of the fairway, Bill reluctantly returned to his hard-pan lie on top of the concrete path.
After Bob knocks a second straight shot that lands safely on the green, he can't resist smiling. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.
********************************
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
********************************
Churchill Downs
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel
outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for
directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband
from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the
university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder
to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the
counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the
university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the
twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
********************************
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. "What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
******************************************************
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
******************************************************
HAIR CUTS
The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's Version
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's Version
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
******************************************************
MAKING BABIES
A Mommy just told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is, now, silent for a while.
"You understand it, now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with human babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
THE STORK
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment, by her teacher, to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me, at the dining room table, one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later, when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
One day, our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb, and, finally, how a child was born.
As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me.
He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Learning to MAKE BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies, today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, said fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y'
to 'i' and add 'es'."
DAD
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad. But, I have light hair."
Then, she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in, "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
My Town Is So Tough It Has...
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects
********************************
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way right, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"No way," says Bob, his competitive playing partner. "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After deliverying his opponent to the middle of the fairway, Bill reluctantly returned to his hard-pan lie on top of the concrete path.
After Bob knocks a second straight shot that lands safely on the green, he can't resist smiling. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.
********************************
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
********************************
Churchill Downs
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel
outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for
directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband
from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the
university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder
to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the
counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the
university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the
twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
********************************
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. "What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
******************************************************
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
******************************************************
HAIR CUTS
The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's Version
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's Version
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
******************************************************
MAKING BABIES
A Mommy just told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is, now, silent for a while.
"You understand it, now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with human babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
THE STORK
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment, by her teacher, to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me, at the dining room table, one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later, when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
One day, our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb, and, finally, how a child was born.
As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me.
He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Learning to MAKE BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies, today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, said fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y'
to 'i' and add 'es'."
DAD
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad. But, I have light hair."
Then, she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in, "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
Monday, October 04, 2004
hUMOR For October 4th
********************************
*Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir*
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."
********************************
You Don't Have To, Mom Said
Pat hasn't been on the best of terms with his neighbor recently. So whenever Pat's two rambunctious children knock the ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard, it's not returned.
Last summer, Pat purchased a trampoline. When the neighbor saw Pat's children playing on the new trampoline, he remarked, 'Now they'll probably be bouncing into my yard, too.'
'That's all right,' Pat responded. 'You don't have to throw them back, either.'
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: Another one from my brother DC TC
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Priceless Grandparent Stories
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," headvised. "Mine
says I'm four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. A second grader came home from school and said to
her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y"
to "i" and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The
fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher
took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young
boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Susie said.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
ENJOY YOUR DAY - Hope this started it off with a
smile!
*Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir*
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."
********************************
You Don't Have To, Mom Said
Pat hasn't been on the best of terms with his neighbor recently. So whenever Pat's two rambunctious children knock the ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard, it's not returned.
Last summer, Pat purchased a trampoline. When the neighbor saw Pat's children playing on the new trampoline, he remarked, 'Now they'll probably be bouncing into my yard, too.'
'That's all right,' Pat responded. 'You don't have to throw them back, either.'
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: Another one from my brother DC TC
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Priceless Grandparent Stories
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," headvised. "Mine
says I'm four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. A second grader came home from school and said to
her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y"
to "i" and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The
fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher
took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young
boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Susie said.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
ENJOY YOUR DAY - Hope this started it off with a
smile!
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