When the customer started through the grocery checkout line, the bag boy asked, "Paper or plastic?"
When the cashier presented the bill, he held out a checkbook and credit card asking, "Paper or plastic?"
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Laws
Laws
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Slick's Third Law of the Universe: There are two types of dirt --- The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and The light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Do it right the first time, then you don't have to mess with it again.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Slick's Third Law of the Universe: There are two types of dirt --- The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and The light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Do it right the first time, then you don't have to mess with it again.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Divorce
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced," she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced," she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Friday, August 13, 2004
The strong young man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
Two nuns
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off our car!"
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off our car!"
Appreciated
Appreciated
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they
walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me
all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start
the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they
walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me
all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start
the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
Thursday, August 12, 2004
A Clean Pun
People don't really dream in color.
If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.
If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.
WISE PEOPLE CALM ANGER DOWN
WISE PEOPLE CALM ANGER DOWN
There are two things which happened this year which share much in common:
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles.
They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Years ago, Jim Croce, in his song, "You Don't Mess Around With Jim", used to sing about things that you don't dare do (pull the mask off the Lone Ranger or tug on Superman's cape, for example). He might have done well to add, "You don't flick your Bic inside a building with a gas leak"! In an explosive situation, the last thing you want to do is provide the spark.
We've all been around those kinds of situations (not literally, but figuratively) -- where someone was angry and it wouldn't take much to create an explosion. We have two choices in that setting, described by Solomon in this way:
"A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger."
How I admire those people I know (and my wife is one of them) who have a calming effect on those around them (including me), gently stifling the flames of anger before they burst in flames.
"Wise people calm anger down."
May God help us all to be wise. --Alan Smith, Thought for the Day
There are two things which happened this year which share much in common:
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles.
They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Years ago, Jim Croce, in his song, "You Don't Mess Around With Jim", used to sing about things that you don't dare do (pull the mask off the Lone Ranger or tug on Superman's cape, for example). He might have done well to add, "You don't flick your Bic inside a building with a gas leak"! In an explosive situation, the last thing you want to do is provide the spark.
We've all been around those kinds of situations (not literally, but figuratively) -- where someone was angry and it wouldn't take much to create an explosion. We have two choices in that setting, described by Solomon in this way:
"A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger."
How I admire those people I know (and my wife is one of them) who have a calming effect on those around them (including me), gently stifling the flames of anger before they burst in flames.
"Wise people calm anger down."
May God help us all to be wise. --Alan Smith, Thought for the Day
THE LITTLE THINGS
THE LITTLE THINGS
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
Seattle Idiot
Seattle Idiot
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Technology for Country Folk
Technology for Country Folk
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire
MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the truck keys
SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What kitty eats in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse.
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire
MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the truck keys
SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What kitty eats in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse.
Quote
Quote
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"MRI Blue?"
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"MRI Blue?"
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
Experience vs Ability
Experience vs Ability
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
I Knew It...
I Knew It...
Three tortoises, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, go on a picnic. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the tortoises take 10 whole days to get there. When they arrive, Joe takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Raymond, gimme the bottle opener.' But Raymond doesn't have it, so the tortoises convince him to go back for it, swearing they won't touch the food.
Twenty days pass. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!'
he says. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out, so the two tortoises weakly get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. Right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it! I'm not going!'
Three tortoises, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, go on a picnic. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the tortoises take 10 whole days to get there. When they arrive, Joe takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Raymond, gimme the bottle opener.' But Raymond doesn't have it, so the tortoises convince him to go back for it, swearing they won't touch the food.
Twenty days pass. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!'
he says. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out, so the two tortoises weakly get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. Right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it! I'm not going!'
"My brother-in-law"
"My brother-in-law"
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied.
"But she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied.
"But she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
unfamiliar sayings (From Ron and Shirley Surber):
unfamiliar sayings (From Ron and Shirley Surber):
1. Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
1. Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
That Makes Me Feel Better.....
That Makes Me Feel Better.....
A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's
teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll
rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."
A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's
teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll
rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."
Monday, August 09, 2004
Football Funnies
Football Funnies
1. What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? -----Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth.
3. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? -----His freshman year.
8. How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisemann Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )
10. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
1. What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? -----Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth.
3. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? -----His freshman year.
8. How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisemann Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )
10. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Killer Biscuits
Killer Biscuits
This was so funny I had to send it to you first thing!
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
This was so funny I had to send it to you first thing!
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Getting new clothes every year.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. Other Women
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Getting new clothes every year.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. Other Women
Big Bad John
Big Bad John
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends? (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends? (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Sunday, August 08, 2004
On a Sunday morning
On a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says.
"You gotta get up and go to church", says mother.
"No, I'm not." says the son.
"Yes you are", says the mother.
"No, I'm not, they don't like me and I don't like them." says the son.
"Give me two good reasons why I have to go," says the son. "Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says.
"You gotta get up and go to church", says mother.
"No, I'm not." says the son.
"Yes you are", says the mother.
"No, I'm not, they don't like me and I don't like them." says the son.
"Give me two good reasons why I have to go," says the son. "Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
I was driving
I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'.
I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG."
The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."
I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG."
The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."
Saturday, August 07, 2004
One day God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? No? I didn't get one either.
On this day in 1774
On this day in 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made;
thus creating the first flag poll.
thus creating the first flag poll.
SIGNS THAT YOUR LIFESTYLE IS UNHEALTHY
SIGNS THAT YOUR LIFESTYLE IS UNHEALTHY
- You go to give blood and two gallons of pure lard come out.
- You get winded from exercising your right to vote.
- When you go to McDonald's, they give you your usual table.
- The roaches in your apartment go on rent strike until you fix the rat problem.
- When your teeth are so yellow, you can't tell where they end and the mashed corn begins.
- Your blood type is "Smirnoff."
- Your speed dial includes The Mayo Clinic, the Betty Ford Center, and the Psychic Friends Network.
- 911 has you on their speed dial.
- You go to give blood and two gallons of pure lard come out.
- You get winded from exercising your right to vote.
- When you go to McDonald's, they give you your usual table.
- The roaches in your apartment go on rent strike until you fix the rat problem.
- When your teeth are so yellow, you can't tell where they end and the mashed corn begins.
- Your blood type is "Smirnoff."
- Your speed dial includes The Mayo Clinic, the Betty Ford Center, and the Psychic Friends Network.
- 911 has you on their speed dial.
documentary film makers
Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa. They both notice that the lion is about to attack them. One of the men puts down his camera and slowing changes from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man see this and says, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
Friday, August 06, 2004
Questions
Questions
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner? Gave him the cold shoulder.
What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?
Swallow the leader.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back.
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? He wanted a light snack.
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell that a vampire is lazy? He uses leeches.
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them up all day.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes "Quack-quack?" Count Duckula.
What kind of dog does Dracula own? A blood hound.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty? Tired blood.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Where does Dracula water ski? Lake Erie.
Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.
Which songs does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine"
and "Sunshine on My Shoulders."
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get any sleep? Because of his coffin.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper.
What did the little ghost's mom give him for lunch? A boo-loney sandwich.
What do baby ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
What do ghosts serve for desert? I scream.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner? Gave him the cold shoulder.
What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?
Swallow the leader.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? He heard children were half price.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? He had to give it back.
What's a monster's favorite bean? A human bean.
What's a monster's favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb? He wanted a light snack.
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell that a vampire is lazy? He uses leeches.
How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why do vampires drink blood? Because coffee keeps them up all day.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes "Quack-quack?" Count Duckula.
What kind of dog does Dracula own? A blood hound.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty? Tired blood.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Where does Dracula water ski? Lake Erie.
Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.
Which songs does Dracula hate? "You Are My Sunshine"
and "Sunshine on My Shoulders."
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get any sleep? Because of his coffin.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper.
What did the little ghost's mom give him for lunch? A boo-loney sandwich.
What do baby ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
What do ghosts serve for desert? I scream.
QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS
QUESTION KIDS ASKED WHEN TOURING NATIONAL PARKS
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Everglades National Park:
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
PHOTO DROP
PHOTO DROP
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Don't Worry ... It's Right There on the Home Page
Don't Worry ... It's Right There on the Home Page
This small not-for-profit organization is looking for ways to cut costs,
and one obvious solution is to make all the research it produces available
on a Web site, says a technician working there.
"That will wean subscribers away from bound reports, which are expensive to
print and mail," he says.
"A big selling point is that this makes all the latest information
immediately accessible, rather than subscribers having to wait for the
report to be updated and printed every several years."
"Another advantage is that subscriber companies could make the information
available to more people in the organization."
Everybody wins. What could go wrong?
Electronic versions of the reports are uploaded. Then a slick, full-color
brochure is designed and printed, touting the benefits of using the Web site.
"After the marketing piece is distributed, it is proudly displayed at a
staff meeting," says the technician.
"Only one problem -- no one bothered to let the editors look over the
brochure before it was approved for printing."
"We immediately noticed that the Web address appeared nowhere in the entire
brochure."
This small not-for-profit organization is looking for ways to cut costs,
and one obvious solution is to make all the research it produces available
on a Web site, says a technician working there.
"That will wean subscribers away from bound reports, which are expensive to
print and mail," he says.
"A big selling point is that this makes all the latest information
immediately accessible, rather than subscribers having to wait for the
report to be updated and printed every several years."
"Another advantage is that subscriber companies could make the information
available to more people in the organization."
Everybody wins. What could go wrong?
Electronic versions of the reports are uploaded. Then a slick, full-color
brochure is designed and printed, touting the benefits of using the Web site.
"After the marketing piece is distributed, it is proudly displayed at a
staff meeting," says the technician.
"Only one problem -- no one bothered to let the editors look over the
brochure before it was approved for printing."
"We immediately noticed that the Web address appeared nowhere in the entire
brochure."
The Little Red Hen
The Little Red Hen - Modern VersionOnce upon a time, on a farm in Indiana, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?""Not I," said the cow."Not I," said the duck."Not I," said the pig."Not I," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did;The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain."Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen."Not I," said the duck."Out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow."I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.At last it came time to bake the bread."Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen."That would be overtime for me," said the cow."I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck."I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig."If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose."Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves.""Excess profits!" cried the cow."Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck."I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.The pig just grunted in disdain.And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and aroundthe little red hen, shouting obscenities.Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must notbe so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen."Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise systemso wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. Butunder our modern government regulations, the productive workers mustdivide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle,"And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand," But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared.....as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.Hillary got $8 million for hers.That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years,repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?
A young preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Float?
Float?
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the
helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely
in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt,
inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the
pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the
helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the
helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely
in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt,
inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the
pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the
helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.
A Cowboy's Prayer
A Cowboy's Prayer
Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled, gray and dense, As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.
When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart, From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us would do, if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.
As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life, and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyomin'.
Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St.
Peter.
[Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.] So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three, Nobody was keepin' score-in Heaven time is free.
"I've always heard," Jake said to Peter, "that God will answer prayer, But one time I asked for help, and, well, He just plain wasn't there.
Does God answer prayers of some, and ignores the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --- I know all men are brothers.
Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.
Now I just ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel, And I was wonderin', could you tell me-what the heck's the deal?"
Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!
That day your truck wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a-flying, You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.
A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file, But you know, Jake - - - we hadn't heard from you in quite a while.
And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota, He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in South Dakota.
... So remember to keep in touch.
Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled, gray and dense, As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.
When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart, From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us would do, if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.
As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life, and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyomin'.
Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St.
Peter.
[Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.] So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three, Nobody was keepin' score-in Heaven time is free.
"I've always heard," Jake said to Peter, "that God will answer prayer, But one time I asked for help, and, well, He just plain wasn't there.
Does God answer prayers of some, and ignores the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --- I know all men are brothers.
Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.
Now I just ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel, And I was wonderin', could you tell me-what the heck's the deal?"
Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!
That day your truck wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a-flying, You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.
A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file, But you know, Jake - - - we hadn't heard from you in quite a while.
And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota, He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in South Dakota.
... So remember to keep in touch.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
The Worth of $20 Dollars
The Worth of $20 Dollars
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill in a room of 200 people, and asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this...." He proceeded to crumple the $20 up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"Still the hands were up in the air. "Well"... he replied, "What if I do this?"..and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty."Now who still wants it?" he asked.Hands still shot up! "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it..because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20." Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt, by the decisions we make, and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you never lose your value!Dirty...clean...crumpled...or finely creased...you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special....don't ever forget it. Count your blessings.......not your problems.
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill in a room of 200 people, and asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first let me do this...." He proceeded to crumple the $20 up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"Still the hands were up in the air. "Well"... he replied, "What if I do this?"..and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty."Now who still wants it?" he asked.Hands still shot up! "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it..because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20." Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt, by the decisions we make, and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you never lose your value!Dirty...clean...crumpled...or finely creased...you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special....don't ever forget it. Count your blessings.......not your problems.
Seven wonders
Seven wonders
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear . . . She hesitated a little, and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear . . . She hesitated a little, and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
Church marquee signs:
Church marquee signs:
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
"Soul food served here"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good Backseat"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Delay is preferable to error"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"May is God's apology for February"
"To belittle is to be little"
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
"God answers kneemail"
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
"Soul food served here"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good Backseat"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Delay is preferable to error"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"May is God's apology for February"
"To belittle is to be little"
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
"God answers kneemail"
The taxi ride
The taxi ride
Taxi Ride A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!"
Taxi Ride A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!"
The silent treatment
The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 A.M.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said... It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 A.M. for an early flight to Sydney.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 A.M.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 A.M., and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said... It is 5:00 A.M., wake up!
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
French restaurant
I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, "Have you got frog'slegs?"He said, "Yes."So I said, "Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich."
Quotes
Quotes
"It is hard to believe that someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."
"We cannot direct the winds but we can adjust the sails."
"Don't lose hope - when it gets darkest the stars come out."
"Every exit is an entry into somewhere else."
"Good intentions are not good enough..........
ultimately we are measured our actions."
"Have the courage to live. Anyone can do nothing or die."
"Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp; But, if you will sit down quietly, it may alight upon you."
"Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles."
"Listen to your heart, because in the end, it is your heart that counts."
"Stand up for what you believe in, even if your standing alone."
" Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket."
" The grass is always greener on the other side....until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close."
"You don't love someone because they are beautiful; they are beautiful because you love them."
"Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage without fear."
"A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks with you in the shadows."
"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
"Doubt sees the obstacles
Faith sees the way.
Doubt sees the darkest night.
Faith sees the day.
Doubt dreads to take a step.
Faith soars on high.
Doubt questions,'Who believes'?
Faith answers,'I'."
"Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give."
"It is hard to believe that someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."
"We cannot direct the winds but we can adjust the sails."
"Don't lose hope - when it gets darkest the stars come out."
"Every exit is an entry into somewhere else."
"Good intentions are not good enough..........
ultimately we are measured our actions."
"Have the courage to live. Anyone can do nothing or die."
"Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp; But, if you will sit down quietly, it may alight upon you."
"Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles."
"Listen to your heart, because in the end, it is your heart that counts."
"Stand up for what you believe in, even if your standing alone."
" Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket."
" The grass is always greener on the other side....until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close."
"You don't love someone because they are beautiful; they are beautiful because you love them."
"Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage without fear."
"A friend is someone who dances with you in the sunlight and walks with you in the shadows."
"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
"Doubt sees the obstacles
Faith sees the way.
Doubt sees the darkest night.
Faith sees the day.
Doubt dreads to take a step.
Faith soars on high.
Doubt questions,'Who believes'?
Faith answers,'I'."
"Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give."
HELLO
HELLO
Do you know that a simple "Hello" can be a sweet one?
I received one recently from a friend. Here is what it said:
The word HELLO means:
H = How are you?
E = Everything all right?
L = Like to hear from you.
L = Love to see you soon!
O = Obviously, I miss you...
So: HELLO !
Do you know that a simple "Hello" can be a sweet one?
I received one recently from a friend. Here is what it said:
The word HELLO means:
H = How are you?
E = Everything all right?
L = Like to hear from you.
L = Love to see you soon!
O = Obviously, I miss you...
So: HELLO !
Hospital Regulations
Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being
discharged. However, while my friend was working as a student nurse, she
found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was
meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being
discharged. However, while my friend was working as a student nurse, she
found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the
hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her
wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was
meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
Monday, August 02, 2004
Four Stages of Life
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Factory Supplies
Factory Supplies
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!"
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!"
After shopping at a busy store
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."
DOCTOR S SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
DOCTOR S SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS (Real?
Transcriptions)
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
*~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
*~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
*~ She is numb from the toes down.
*~ The skin was moist and dry.
*~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
*~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
*~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*~ The patient refused an autopsy.
*~ The patient has no past history of suicides.
*~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Transcriptions)
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
*~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
*~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
*~ She is numb from the toes down.
*~ The skin was moist and dry.
*~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
*~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
*~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*~ The patient refused an autopsy.
*~ The patient has no past history of suicides.
*~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
A woman decided
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Sunday, August 01, 2004
What's Your Southern Sign?
What's Your Southern Sign?
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius.Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics.Or - maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius.Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics.Or - maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
A blonde
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.""Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.""Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"
OLD GEEZERS!!
OLD GEEZERS!!
"Geezers" are easy to spot; this is slang for an old man. But at sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam. If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass one on a street and he'll nod, or tip his hat to a lady.
"Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women.
They hold the door for the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the inside for protection. "Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies. Geezers have moral courage. Geezers seldom brag unless its about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals. This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense. We need them now more than ever. It's the "Geezers: who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones.
THANK GOD for "OLD GEEZERS".
"Geezers" are easy to spot; this is slang for an old man. But at sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam. If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass one on a street and he'll nod, or tip his hat to a lady.
"Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women.
They hold the door for the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the inside for protection. "Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies. Geezers have moral courage. Geezers seldom brag unless its about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals. This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense. We need them now more than ever. It's the "Geezers: who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones.
THANK GOD for "OLD GEEZERS".
Saturday, July 31, 2004
OFFICE SUPPLIES
OFFICE SUPPLIES A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand."Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?""Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button."Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
A Young Blonde
A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double insulated energy efficient windows.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves".
Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves".
Outstanding In His Field
Outstanding In His Field
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
You Are A Bad Cook If...
You Are A Bad Cook If...
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
Southern Advice
Southern Advice
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Have a good day!
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Have a good day!
Friday, July 30, 2004
An Act of Kindness
An Act of Kindness
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Statistics on your health
Statistics on your health
Number of physicians in the US 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171 (U.S. Dept.
of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
Number of physicians in the US 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171 (U.S. Dept.
of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a Public Health Measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
What's Your Southern Sign?
Continued from yesterday -- What's Your Southern Sign?
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat strange, mating possibility.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler.
Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room.
You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.
Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.
You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?
Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat strange, mating possibility.
A father is in church
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
A man
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"
Thursday, July 29, 2004
When I Retire
When I Retire There's no nursing home in my future . . . when I get old and feeble, I'mchecking into the Holiday Inn! The average cost for a nursing home is atleast $188 per day. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.With a combined long-term-stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 pernight. That leaves $138.77 a day for:1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.Plus, Holiday Inn provides a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have freeshampoo and soap.They treat you like a customer, not a patient. Five bucks worth of tips aday will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There's a city busstop out front, and seniors ride free. To meet other nice people, call achurch bus on Sundays.For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of thenice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take yourreservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever - you can movefrom Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.Want to see Hawaii? It has Holiday Inns, too.TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? Noproblem! They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.The maid checks to see if you're OK. If not, they'll call the undertaker oran ambulance.If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip and Holiday Innwill upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.And no worries about visits from family. They'll always be glad to find you,and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can usethe pool.What more can you ask for?So, when I reach the golden age, I'll face it with a grin.Just forward all my e-mail to me @holidayinn.com (in Hawaii, of course)
A Serious Note
The White House -
February, 2005One sunny day in February, 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The man thanked him and again walked away.The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow Sir."
February, 2005One sunny day in February, 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry"The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."The man thanked him and again walked away.The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow Sir."
I live by this credo
I live by this credo: 'Have a little laugh at life and look around you forhappiness instead of sadness.' Laughter has always brought me out ofunhappy situations. Even in your darkest moment, you usually can findsomething to laugh about if you try hard enough. If I can make people laugh,then I have served my purpose for God.' --By Red Skelton
The Top 10 Reasons Why
The Top 10 Reasons Why
The Average Christian Can't Play Baseball10.
Doesn't practice all week, but expects to start on game day.9. Gets upset when every ball hit doesn't come directly to him.8. Never swings at a pitch because, "this pitcher doesn't throw
like the last pitcher. The game's just not the same since he left."7. Wants to run home before going to first base.6. Chatters in order to keep teammates from hitting the ball.5. Doesn't come to the game unless the coach personally calls
him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.4. Won't run after the ball if it's more than three feet away. After
all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his
team mates’ backs.2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn't
have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the
pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to
talk about the catcher.1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand
will be closed before it's over.
The Average Christian Can't Play Baseball10.
Doesn't practice all week, but expects to start on game day.9. Gets upset when every ball hit doesn't come directly to him.8. Never swings at a pitch because, "this pitcher doesn't throw
like the last pitcher. The game's just not the same since he left."7. Wants to run home before going to first base.6. Chatters in order to keep teammates from hitting the ball.5. Doesn't come to the game unless the coach personally calls
him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.4. Won't run after the ball if it's more than three feet away. After
all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his
team mates’ backs.2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn't
have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the
pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to
talk about the catcher.1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand
will be closed before it's over.
One Sunday morning
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.
What's for dinner?
What's for dinner?
Can't eat beef......mad cow
Can't eat chicken...... bird flu
Can't eat eggs..... possible Salmonellla
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis
Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides
Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice.......nasty carbs Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves.......
Chocolate.
Can't eat beef......mad cow
Can't eat chicken...... bird flu
Can't eat eggs..... possible Salmonellla
Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis
Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides
Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice.......nasty carbs Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves.......
Chocolate.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Seeing Eye Dog
Seeing Eye Dog
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
Fish Story
Fish Story
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked . . .
A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota. The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going to have to impound them as evidence."
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked . . .
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
IF
IF
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore... you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
(Author Unknown)
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore... you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
(Author Unknown)
Golf Ransom
Golf Ransom
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you
ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot.
A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours
late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap.
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: "Bring
$50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you
ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated
meeting spot.
A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours
late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap.
My apologies to those whose church is like this
(My apologies to those whose church is like this)
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of a Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of a Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved".
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All".
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story"?
There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight"?
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
Airline Reservation
A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Summer of 1900
Summer of 1900
What a Difference a Century Makes. In the summer of 1900... The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. TB; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5.
Stroke. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals.
They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.
What a Difference a Century Makes. In the summer of 1900... The average life expectancy in the United States was 47. Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home. 90% of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza; 2. TB; 3. Diarrhea; 4. Heart disease; 5.
Stroke. The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals.
They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into the women's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.
According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 18% of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were about 230 reported murders in the US annually.
A good preacher-story
A good preacher-story
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.
Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you are. You gave me too much change." The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Heavenly Father, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas.
Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.
As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, "Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount?
Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet."
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, "Here, you are. You gave me too much change." The driver with a smile, replied, "Aren't you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change."
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, "Heavenly Father, I almost sold your Son for a quarter."
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
FIRST ACCOUNT
FIRST ACCOUNT
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank". With just a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
WIDER
WIDER
Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"
Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out, or putting it back, but we're making it wider."
Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?"
Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out, or putting it back, but we're making it wider."
Pre-Flight
Pre-Flight
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, "We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!"
I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, "We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!"
Working people
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worntires. So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worntires. So I called him a piece of horse *)$#. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
Monday, July 26, 2004
NEW FATHERS
NEW FATHERS
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived, and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said, with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while, and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he could barely reply.
"Don't tell me, another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase, over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up" ...
An old favorite:
An old favorite:
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of the church building, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn.........and into the hole he gooooes."
Remember these?
Remember these?
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages?
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
**Burma-Shave**
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
**Burma-Shave**
BROTHER SPEEDERS
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING NURSE
**Burma-Shave**
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER
**Burma-Shave**
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A
WARMER HEMISPHERE
**Burma-Shave**
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
**Burma-Shave**
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY--SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
**Burma-Shave**
PASSING CARS
WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
OF ETERNITY
**Burma-Shave**
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
**Burma-Shave**
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
**Burma-Shave**
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY
**Burma-Shave**
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
**Burma-Shave**
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
There was another that I remember:
'Round the curve
Car was whizzin'
Fault was her'n
Funeral his'n
L.B.S.
A Collection of hUMOR
SETTING CLOCKS
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.
"Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.
"All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
THE QUARTER
A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game, he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back!"
HELPFUL BABY
It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
*Answering Machine Messages*
*Answering Machine Messages*
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
During mail call
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked. "Sir, no, sir!" I shouted. "Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI. Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!" The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
DID YOU EVER WONDER
DID YOU EVER WONDER ? ? ? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! If a sheep’s coat is made of wool, why doesn't it shrink in the rain? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A blonde
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin, I can splash it in my eyes
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin, I can splash it in my eyes
Being Civilized
Being Civilized
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
Saturday, July 24, 2004
What a Preacher !!!!
What a Preacher !!!!
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen nothing like that!"
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen nothing like that!"
Heaven... light
Heaven... light
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Chocolate Math
This is pretty neat how it works out. This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
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1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 ...
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are .....
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
This is pretty neat how it works out. This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!!
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute....... Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 ...
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are .....
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
Who Said Rednecks Aren't Bright
Who Said Rednecks Aren't Bright
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!!!!
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!!!!
Factory Supplies
Factory Supplies
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The
conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we
had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.
I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of
baby powder and several boxes of aspirin.
As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he
laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!"
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The
conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we
had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.
I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of
baby powder and several boxes of aspirin.
As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he
laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!"
Friday, July 23, 2004
Reality Check
Reality Check
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check
the baby. He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I
don't hear her crying."
"I know" she replied, "And it's your turn to go see why not!"
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check
the baby. He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I
don't hear her crying."
"I know" she replied, "And it's your turn to go see why not!"
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