One afternoon
One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."
Friday, July 23, 2004
Hearing God in Noisy Places
Hearing God in Noisy Places
Ever feel guilty when somebody quoted this Bible
verse: "Be still, and know that I am God"? (Psalm 46:10). I'll bet you'd like to find a quiet time today. Maybe you are even planning for it. Wonderful things can happen in times of solitude, stillness, and silence before God. But they are hard to come by -- and simply aren't available on some days or in certain life experiences.
There's precious little time for stillness when production deadlines are close. A report is due in three hours. An inspection is in progress. If you live in a big city, there are voices and horns. There is constant motion.
Shared living space has someone else's music, someone else's TV, and someone else's voice. Where are you supposed to find God in the midst of all the noise?
Then there is "noise" of a different quality altogether. Pain from illness or injury screams at you. The pressure of finding a new job or putting life together after a death takes away your tranquil sense of God. Sadness, disappointment, and loss crash over you with the roar of an angry sea.
Strange as it may seem to say, the greater need for some of us may be less for stillness than to learn how to hear God's voice smack in the middle of all the noise, chaotic activity, and disorienting trouble.
"They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord . . ." (Psalm 107:27-31).
Do you really think ours is the first generation of humankind to feel the pressure of noise, tension, and uncertainty? Of course it isn't. And the experience of some of those people can guide us in our times of stress.
Whoever the subjects of Psalm 107, they were reeling and staggering under their load. There was no serene stillness before God for them. To the contrary, they were "at their wits' end." So right in the middle of their frenzy and distress, "they cried out to the Lord in their trouble" -- and God heard them.
If your life has more tumult than stillness, more crash than tranquillity, God has not eluded you. He beckons you to cry out to him, and he will show himself to you. Amidst the noise, you will find him with you in the middle of it all.
Ever feel guilty when somebody quoted this Bible
verse: "Be still, and know that I am God"? (Psalm 46:10). I'll bet you'd like to find a quiet time today. Maybe you are even planning for it. Wonderful things can happen in times of solitude, stillness, and silence before God. But they are hard to come by -- and simply aren't available on some days or in certain life experiences.
There's precious little time for stillness when production deadlines are close. A report is due in three hours. An inspection is in progress. If you live in a big city, there are voices and horns. There is constant motion.
Shared living space has someone else's music, someone else's TV, and someone else's voice. Where are you supposed to find God in the midst of all the noise?
Then there is "noise" of a different quality altogether. Pain from illness or injury screams at you. The pressure of finding a new job or putting life together after a death takes away your tranquil sense of God. Sadness, disappointment, and loss crash over you with the roar of an angry sea.
Strange as it may seem to say, the greater need for some of us may be less for stillness than to learn how to hear God's voice smack in the middle of all the noise, chaotic activity, and disorienting trouble.
"They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord . . ." (Psalm 107:27-31).
Do you really think ours is the first generation of humankind to feel the pressure of noise, tension, and uncertainty? Of course it isn't. And the experience of some of those people can guide us in our times of stress.
Whoever the subjects of Psalm 107, they were reeling and staggering under their load. There was no serene stillness before God for them. To the contrary, they were "at their wits' end." So right in the middle of their frenzy and distress, "they cried out to the Lord in their trouble" -- and God heard them.
If your life has more tumult than stillness, more crash than tranquillity, God has not eluded you. He beckons you to cry out to him, and he will show himself to you. Amidst the noise, you will find him with you in the middle of it all.
Only In America
Only In America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do people heat thier tea and then put ice in it, and put sugar in the same tea that they wiil soon put lemon in...
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do people heat thier tea and then put ice in it, and put sugar in the same tea that they wiil soon put lemon in...
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Becoming a Lawyer
Becoming a Lawyer
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Bear and the Two Travelers, The
Bear and the Two Travelers, The
Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on theirpath. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself inthe branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on theground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt himall over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much ashe could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a deadbody. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree,and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered inhis ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel witha friend who deserts you at the approach of danger." (Author Unknown)
Two men were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on theirpath. One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself inthe branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on theground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt himall over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much ashe could. The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a deadbody. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree,and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered inhis ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel witha friend who deserts you at the approach of danger." (Author Unknown)
How many do you remember?
How many do you remember?
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline 36. A TIME WHEN ... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
37. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
38. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
39. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
40. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
41. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
42. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
43. A foot of snow was a dream come true.
44. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
45. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
46. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
47. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
48. War was a card game.
49. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
50. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
51. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes.
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix
...(Drexel-5505)
12. Pea shooters.
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinker toys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Play set
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline 36. A TIME WHEN ... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
37. Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
38. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
39. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
40. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
41. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
42. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
43. A foot of snow was a dream come true.
44. Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
45. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
46. Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
47. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
48. War was a card game.
49. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
50. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
51. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!
Biblical Question
Biblical Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
Some unexpected answers
Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. GCFL.net does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
[Disclaimer: This is a joke. GCFL.net does not know anything about health. If you have health concerns, contact a medical doctor!]
A guy in Paris
A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Lawyer's Son
Lawyer's Son
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to
law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his
father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and
said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been
working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that
case for ten years!"
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss." He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared... prepare yourself."
*Advertising Terms Explained* NEW - Different color from previous design. ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything! HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
Class Reunion
Class Reunion
One former classmate of mine had filled out his classmates.com profile form
with this information:
Marital Status: Not Good
Wife's Name: Plaintiff
One former classmate of mine had filled out his classmates.com profile form
with this information:
Marital Status: Not Good
Wife's Name: Plaintiff
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
These are some (allegedly)
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
=> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
=> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
=> "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
=> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
=> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
=> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
=> "I am a rabid typist."
=> "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
=> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
=> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
=> "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
=> "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
=> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
=> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
=> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
=> "Qualifications: No education or experience."
=> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
=> Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Another Train
Another Train
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22.....
and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23...
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22.....
and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...
neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
A small boy stunned his parents
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
The couple was 85 years old
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your crummy bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
The Computer's Swallowed Grandma
The Computer's Swallowed Grandma
The computer's swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly, it's true She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter' And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin And files of every kind I've even used the Internet But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found 'Outline'
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
The computer's swallowed Grandma Yes, honestly, it's true She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter' And disappeared from view.
It's devoured her completely The thought just makes me squirm Maybe she's caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the Recycle Bin And files of every kind I've even used the Internet But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves My searches to refine The reply from him was negative Not a thing was found 'Outline'
So, if inside your 'In Box' My Grandma you should see Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
Monday, July 19, 2004
There was a lady
There was a lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria ~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die ~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U ~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome ~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty ~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl ~ Coma: A punctuation mark ~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend ~ Fester: Quicker ~ Fibula: A small lie ~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work ~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates ~ Node: Was aware of ~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted ~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator ~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery ~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know ~ Seizure: A Roman emperor ~ Tablet: A small table ~ Terminal: Where the planes land ~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
The Panda Bear
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey!
Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey!
Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
Hope to see you there!
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
Hope to see you there!
"The Good Wife's Guide"... [continued from yesterday]
From yesterday --
An updated version of "The Good Wife's Guide"... for the Women of the 21st Century
Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been a bad one and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself. Stopping at the "Chanel" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit
card.)
Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong. The world revolves around you.
An updated version of "The Good Wife's Guide"... for the Women of the 21st Century
Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time.
If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been a bad one and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
Prepare yourself. Stopping at the "Chanel" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit
card.)
Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"
The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong. The world revolves around you.
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
Big John
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West. The saloon owner advised him, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner.
"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.
"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor. Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard. He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip. The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner.
"Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist. The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man. He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave. Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.
"Ain't got no time," the man roared. "Big John's a comin' to town."
Sunday, July 18, 2004
An actual article from Housekeeping Monthly
An actual article from Housekeeping Monthly May 13, 1955 (They HAD to be kidding, right?)
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return.
This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.
Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Tomorrow we'll look at an updated version...
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return.
This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.
Encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Tomorrow we'll look at an updated version...
Why Are We Here?
Why Are We Here?
So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"
And this is what I said.
"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.
"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole.
"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go.
"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
"We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us.
"We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning.
"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.
"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.
"We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career.
We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it.
"We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.'
"We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.
"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at
4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red
327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads.
"We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday.
"None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'
"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?"
And he said, "Not really, Dad."
And I said, "No?"
And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"
So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?"
And this is what I said.
"I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.
"We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole.
"We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go.
"We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.
"We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us.
"We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning.
"We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.
"I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't.
"We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career.
We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it.
"We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.'
"We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.
"I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at
4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red
327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads.
"We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday.
"None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!'
"See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?"
And he said, "Not really, Dad."
And I said, "No?"
And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?"
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Dreading Old Age
Dreading Old Age
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while.
But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital . .. working in the gift shop.
.... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ......
he was on his honeymoon. .
.... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it!
(Author Unknown)
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while.
But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital . .. working in the gift shop.
.... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ......
he was on his honeymoon. .
.... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it!
(Author Unknown)
Gotta Love 'em
Gotta Love 'em
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"
A Lawyer's Question
A Lawyer's Question
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following
steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following
steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Friday, July 16, 2004
Senior golfers
Senior golfers
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for thesport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, "one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"said the third seniorAfter hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest ofthe four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of thegrass!"
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for thesport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, "one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"said the third seniorAfter hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest ofthe four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of thegrass!"
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Southern Style
Southern Style
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Elisabeth Elliot:
Elisabeth Elliot: I think of that little girl, Fanny Crosby. Probably most of you know who Fanny Crosby was. She was a little girl back in the 1800s, who by a doctor's mistake, became blind when she was six weeks old. And when she was nine years old, she wrote this poem.
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!
Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.
"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!
Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!
Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.
"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:
Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!
Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.
One with a good point from a friend:
One with a good point from a friend:
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
Things Not To Do While Driving
Things Not To Do While Driving
As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)
OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)
DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)
DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped
WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)
DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving
DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)
DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")
DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")
CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)
DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase
OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)
DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune
OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS Driving While Stupid
As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)
OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)
DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)
DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped
WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)
DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving
DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)
DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")
DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")
CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)
DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase
OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)
DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune
OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS Driving While Stupid
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
More short ones
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
*****
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
*****
After the Christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
*****
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
*****
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*****
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
*****
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
*****
After the Christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
*****
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
*****
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
*****
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
After a church
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
First Wedding
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Thought You Might Enjoy These
Thought You Might Enjoy These
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
A few short ones
I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she would promise to keep his cage clean.
***
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
***
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
***
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
***
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
An old pastor
An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Monday, July 12, 2004
A Butterfly
A Butterfly
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.
A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.
If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
Here is today's PearlyGates item.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
The world's first fully computerized airliner
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
Received from Jokes Warehouse.
---
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
Received from Jokes Warehouse.
---
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Sunday, July 11, 2004
*Kid's View of Science*
*Kid's View of Science*
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Old Lamp
Old Lamp
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He
cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks,
power windows, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends.
He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy
starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He
cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks,
power windows, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends.
He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy
starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
One day an out of work mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....
...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....
...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
TWO LITTLE BEES
Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
A TALE OF TWO COWS
A TALE OF TWO COWS
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
Friday, July 09, 2004
My Work Experience
My Work Experience
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!
My three year old son
My three year old son
My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't
have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell
was getting worse.
So.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was
mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't
have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell
was getting worse.
So.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was
mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Simpler times
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
How Many Do You Remember??
How Many Do You Remember??
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor Ignition switches on the dashboard Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor Ignition switches on the dashboard Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Men's Rules
Men's Rules
These are our rules! Please note ... each is numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all; comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
These are our rules! Please note ... each is numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all; comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Children And The Church
Children And The Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than
to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me"
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,"That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home,and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into
hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be
quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered,
'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than
to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me"
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,"That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home,and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into
hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be
quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered,
'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Insurance Claims...
Insurance Claims...
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The Holy Alphabet. This is Beautiful
The Holy Alphabet. This is Beautiful
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Manners
Manners
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Monday, July 05, 2004
My forgetter's getting better
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain;
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain;
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Misc. hUMOR
There was a lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting,
and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked
the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone
to attend church this Sunday, we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with
lounge chairs for those who feel
that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those
with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those
who say, "The roof would cave in if
I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those
who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those
who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship"
buttons for those that feel the church is
always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and
grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting,
and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked
the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone
to attend church this Sunday, we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with
lounge chairs for those who feel
that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those
with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those
who say, "The roof would cave in if
I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those
who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those
who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship"
buttons for those that feel the church is
always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and
grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
~ Coma: A punctuation mark
~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend
~ Fester: Quicker
~ Fibula: A small lie
~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
~ Node: Was aware of
~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted
~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
~ Seizure: A Roman emperor
~ Tablet: A small table
~ Terminal: Where the planes land
~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
~ Coma: A punctuation mark
~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend
~ Fester: Quicker
~ Fibula: A small lie
~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
~ Node: Was aware of
~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted
~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
~ Seizure: A Roman emperor
~ Tablet: A small table
~ Terminal: Where the planes land
~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
I HOPE THIS STORY ISN'T TRUE
I HOPE THIS STORY ISN'T TRUE
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other
colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only
true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color
in the rainbow printed except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
construction paper?"
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to
load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program.
My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no
good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that
every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the
"dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only
the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
Will Rogers Jr.
LOOK OUT, HONEY!!
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way
on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on
that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone.
"Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running
people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other
colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only
true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color
in the rainbow printed except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
construction paper?"
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to
load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program.
My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no
good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that
every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the
"dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only
the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
Will Rogers Jr.
LOOK OUT, HONEY!!
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way
on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on
that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone.
"Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running
people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Old age can be mean!!
Old age can be mean!!
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling HerHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think
it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about
ten years ago."
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling HerHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think
it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about
ten years ago."
OFFICE SUPPLIES
OFFICE SUPPLIES
- submitted by Hope
_____________________
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
- submitted by Hope
_____________________
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERMISSION: Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERMISSION: Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, July 02, 2004
An Assortment of hUMOR
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
------------------------------------------------------
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
------------------------------------------------------
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
To all computer owners
To all computer owners
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I Can Relate To This!
WRITE THINGS DOWN
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things; they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things; they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Who is an American?
Who is an American?
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, the Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place; they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, the Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place; they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
An Old Favorite...
An Old Favorite...
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members) to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom.
As they entered his room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were flattered and touched that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally the lawyer asked, "Preacher why did you ask ther two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly. "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members) to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom.
As they entered his room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were flattered and touched that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally the lawyer asked, "Preacher why did you ask ther two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly. "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
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