Today's hUMOR

Cuisine

Stationed with the Army near Tokyo, I taught a
conversational English class to a group of Japanese
businessmen.

Wishing to acquaint me with their cuisine, my class took me
to dinner at a local restaurant. I've never enjoyed seafood,
and my hosts noticed my lack of enthusiasm when the odd
assortment of raw and cooked fish was served.

Intent on saving the evening, one man asked if I'd like a
pizza. I accepted with delight.

Soon a smiling waitress came to our table and placed before
me a large, hot pizza - piled high with squid.
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"Tuesday was the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family." -David Letterman

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"I don't know if you heard, but astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space." -Jimmy Fallon

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"You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son 'Tripp' because 'camping' seemed like a dumb name." -Conan O'Brien

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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia..."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "Hangnail."
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Secret Party

The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big
office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the
better part of her life with the company.

Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it.

Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she
cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!"

"Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they
simply want to show how much you are appreciated."

"Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am not going to clean
up after a mess like that!"
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Cherokee Language

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary
school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its
traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are
no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a
nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
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Never Represent Yourself

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like
the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented
himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got
to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and
yelled, "You're lying! I should have shot you!!!"

He paused, wide-eyed, then added, "Uh, if I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty.
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"Grandmothers"

The following have been taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

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CleanPun

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

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One Liner

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office." ~Will Rogers

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CleanQuote

"There's something in the unruffled calm of nature that overawes our little anxieties & doubts" ~Jonathan Edwards (Princeton Prez, 1758)

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"Most Important Words"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The six most important words
"I admit that I was wrong!"

The five most important words
"You did a great job."

The four most important words
"What do you think?"

The three most important words
"May I help?"

The two most important words
"Thank You!"

The most important word
"We."

The least important word
"I"