Christian hUMOR

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

Cuisine

Stationed with the Army near Tokyo, I taught a
conversational English class to a group of Japanese
businessmen.

Wishing to acquaint me with their cuisine, my class took me
to dinner at a local restaurant. I've never enjoyed seafood,
and my hosts noticed my lack of enthusiasm when the odd
assortment of raw and cooked fish was served.

Intent on saving the evening, one man asked if I'd like a
pizza. I accepted with delight.

Soon a smiling waitress came to our table and placed before
me a large, hot pizza - piled high with squid.
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"Tuesday was the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family." -David Letterman

***
"I don't know if you heard, but astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son 'Tripp' because 'camping' seemed like a dumb name." -Conan O'Brien

***
My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia..."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "Hangnail."
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Secret Party

The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big
office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the
better part of her life with the company.

Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it.

Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she
cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!"

"Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they
simply want to show how much you are appreciated."

"Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am not going to clean
up after a mess like that!"
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Cherokee Language

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary
school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its
traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are
no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a
nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
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Never Represent Yourself

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like
the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented
himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got
to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and
yelled, "You're lying! I should have shot you!!!"

He paused, wide-eyed, then added, "Uh, if I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty.
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"Grandmothers"

The following have been taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

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CleanPun

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

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One Liner

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office." ~Will Rogers

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CleanQuote

"There's something in the unruffled calm of nature that overawes our little anxieties & doubts" ~Jonathan Edwards (Princeton Prez, 1758)

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"Most Important Words"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The six most important words
"I admit that I was wrong!"

The five most important words
"You did a great job."

The four most important words
"What do you think?"

The three most important words
"May I help?"

The two most important words
"Thank You!"

The most important word
"We."

The least important word
"I"

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-28T11:25:00.000-07:00

"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'" --Laura Silverman

***
"I have a Y chromosome that makes me ask, Why get married? But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a whole - which it is." --Kevin Hench

***
"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry, maybe they should brag about it in their commercials. 'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can make your hair look luscious!'" --Vernon Chapman

***
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."
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"Second Grade Math"

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol.

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Medical Definitions

ANTIBODY - against everyone

BENIGN - what you be after you be eight

BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u

CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome

CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty

CHRONIC - neck of a crow

COMA - punctuation mark

CORTISONE - area around local courthouse

CYST - short for sister

DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose

DILATE - the late British princess

DISLOCATION - in this place

DUODENUM - couple in jeans

ENEMA - not a friend

FALSE LABOR - pretending to work

GALL BLADDER - bladder in a girl

GENES - blue denim

HERNIA - she is close by

HYMEN - greeting to several males

IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known

LABOR PAIN - hurt at work

LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot

LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss

LYMPH - walk unsteadily

MICROBES - small dressing gowns

OBESITY - city of Obe

PROTEIN - in favour of teens

PULSE - grain

PUS - small cat

RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula

SECRETION - hiding anything

SERUM - sailors' drink

SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough

TABLET - small table

TUMOR - extra pair

ULTRASOUND - radical noise

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One Liner

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."

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One Liner

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."

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"Past Dreams of a Girl"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

She came tonight as I sat alone..
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully:

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising, I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet, and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman that I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be.

~ Author unknown

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Born Salesman

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old
boat, a trailer, and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as
he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them
for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd
sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.'
When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He
said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.
Bought that, too."
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Workaholic

As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues
who work long hours.

However, the reputation of one of my partners' workaholic ways even
extended beyond the office. He not only had to leave work early one
day because of a medical problem, but was also told by his doctor to
stay home until the end of the week.

My colleague grudgingly agreed to comply. In the middle of the week,
our receptionist received a call for him.

She announced that the partner was out of the office until Friday.

"Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know." It was my
partner's doctor.
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Curious Chimp

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens
to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book
in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.
Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible
and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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Speeding Ticket

A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles
over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him,
"Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They
say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"
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"Swallowed a Coin"

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

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CleanPun

Frank hadn't been to a class reunion in decades.

When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

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One Liner

"As a teenager you are in the last stage of life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
~Fran Lebowitz

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CleanQuote

“The Christian faith has not been tried and found wanting. It has rather been found difficult and left untried.”
~ Chesterton

CleanQuote

“The Christian faith has not been tried and found wanting. It has rather been found difficult and left untried.”
~ Chesterton

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." -Jay Leno

***
"Alabama just passed a tough immigration law that requires schools to find out if students are in the country illegally. Fortunately, schools know what to look for when identifying foreign students: high test scores." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as president in a disaster movie." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.

The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
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"Sign Return"

I was on board the USS Kitty Hawk when we docked in the Sri Lankan capital, Colombo.

One morning, as the local fishing fleet passed by on its way out to sea, a boat came too close to our ship. A Marine held up a sign warning the captain to stay away, and he complied.

But the next day, the boat was back. This time, the fisherman held something. The nervous Marine pointed to his rifle. The fisherman lifted the object and unfurled it, revealing a sign of his own.

In perfect English it read, "Your Sign Is Upside Down."

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CleanPun

"I'm back from my lobotomy..." he said absentmindedly.

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One Liner

"Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?"

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CleanQuote

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." ~Thomas Alva Edison

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"Brotherly Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."

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"Broken Scale"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober

A goober holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the goober.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

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One Liner

"Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted."

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CleanQuote

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."
~B.C. Forbes

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"Normal Life"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.

Wanna be normal??

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

Doctors vs Lawyers

The doctors may have won the annual softball game between themselves
and their lawyer opponents, but they lost the public relations war.
Here's how the lawyers reported the game: "The lawyers powered their
way to a second place finish, while the doctors managed to finish
next to last."
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Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has ... oh,
disregard. I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit
calling you twin Cessna."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you
nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything?"

"Climb like your life depends on it ... because it does."

"Hello Flight 56, if you hear me, rock your wings."

"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME, ROCK THE TOWER!"
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"Ten Laws of Life"

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Gotta Go!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principle)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

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CleanPun

Pessimists are born, not made: Their blood type is B Negative.

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One Liner

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

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CleanQuote

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought, which they avoid." ~Soren Kierkegaard

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"Earring Rush"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'ld be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

"You Might be a Pastor If…"

~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.

~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.

~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.

~ You see a picnic as no picnic.

~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.

~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.

~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.

~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.

~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.

~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

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"Surgery Headache"

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of
a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

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CleanPun

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

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One Liner

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter."

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Clean Quote

"It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser."

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"Just Name the Fee"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

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"Wendy's is selling the Arby's restaurant chain to the company that owns Cinnabon. Or as most Americans put it, 'My lunch place is selling my dinner place to my breakfast place.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?" -Jay Leno

***
"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" -Conan O'Brien

***
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."

Todays hUMOR

2011-06-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
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???????"School Excuse"

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."

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CleanPun

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

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One Liner

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."

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CleanQuote

“There are three rules to writing a novel, but unfortunately nobody knows what they are.”
~W. Somerset Maugham

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"A Real Home"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A REAL HOME is a playground. Beware of the house where no rough-housing is allowed and no cries of glee are heard.

A REAL HOME is a workshop. Pity the child who is unfamiliar with wrenches and hammers, knitting needles, thread, screwdrivers and saws.

A REAL HOME is a forum. Honest, open discussion of life's great problems belongs originally and primarily in the family circle.

A REAL HOME is cooperative. Households flourish in peace when the interest of each is the interest of all.

A REAL HOME is a school. Many of life's most important and lasting lessons are learned here, both early in life and later on.

A REAL HOME is a temple, where people are loved and respected and where life is appreciated, in the recognition that life in all its parts is a gift of God, with our family being our personal and most precious gift.

Is your home, A REAL HOME?

Todays hUMOR

2011-06-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed
to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he
hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting
up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a
little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back
here and kick the seat."
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1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool

Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally

got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT

I LIKED THE HOURS, BUT THE PAY SUCKS.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Where?

A torrential rainstorm was knocking down power lines all over town.
That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was
dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was
told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Senior Moments

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really..'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

New Bicycle

I was visiting customers in their home one afternoon. While
I was talking to them, their four-year-old little girl,
whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and
excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle. Do you want to
see it?"

I said, "Sure, Michelle." So off to the backyard we went.
Upon getting there, I saw a brand-new girl's bicycle. "Wow,
Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle," I complimented. "Can
you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, and then with a sad face
she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong
with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it
................................................................
Holy cow, it's almost the weekend again! I have been so preoccupied this week I hardly even noticed it's Thursday already. They say the older you get the faster time seems to fly, and if that's true I must be an octogenarian.

I don't know if I need to slow down and smell the roses or speed up and get some things accomplished with my life before I'm too old or tired to accomplish them!

That's it. I'm motivated! This weekend, no matter how long it takes, I am going to finish Portal 2 on the Xbox.................................................................
Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left
on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box
until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned
safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
................................................................

"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

................................................................
CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

................................................................

One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

................................................................

CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

................................................

"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

Night Shift

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.

The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of
my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Politician

When former Vice President Hubert Humphrey was just starting
in politics, the accepted way of meeting prospective voters
and contributors was to organize afternoon teas and serve
light refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time
and it wasn't as effective as it had been.

Hubert, always the innovator, kept trying new methods. He
had a good friend in the actor Alan Alda, who in his spare
time managed a number of different entertainment groups. One
of the groups was a singing quartet, The Kingsmen.

Hubert employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda
group, several beautiful and amorous ladies from Norway, to
spice up his parties.

But it didn't work.

The newspapers the next day headlined, "Alda's cling Norses
and Alda's Kingsmen couldn't put Humphrey's dumb teas back
to gather again."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.
(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)
Unclear on the Concept

Voice mail was the man's sworn enemy. He never really understood how
it worked. Finally he broke down and called the office operator to
get instructions.

"I can send you an instruction sheet," the operator offered.

"Great, fax it right over."

"Sure thing," the operator replied, "but fax it right back. It's my only copy."
(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)

"4 Year Old Rider"

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.

(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)
CleanPun

After Old Man McGraw chewed us out, we went over to his house and we drew all kinds of pictures on his driveway, sidewalk, and foundation with sidewalk chalk.

That'll teach him to mess with the Mural Majority!

~John Gardner

(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)

One Liner

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener."

(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)

"Disaster Encounter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Oh, No!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

"Picking a Winner"

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
CleanPun

Two people got into an argument.

One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

One Liner

"You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

CleanQuote

"When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are."
~Cary Grant

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

"Parental Nagging"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.

After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."

I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

Todays hUMOR

2011-06-18T17:14:00.000-07:00

Comatose

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as
they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her
husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the
doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor
told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But
doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanLaugh - "Fish Fight Story"

Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

****************************************************

Today's CleanPun

I was born free - my Dad's an Ob-Gyn.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One Liner

"Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

CleanQuote

"Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes."
~ Antisthenes

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Wedding Vows"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"How do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Frobisher.

"Well," said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"

123123123123123123123123123123123123123123123

Nervous Minister

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed
five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly:
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread
and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do
that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

Todays hUMOR

2011-06-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

At the Doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the
outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the
examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, "I
need to get your weight today."

I immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

"Drought Conditions"

Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.

One asked the other how bad the drought was in his area.

The other replied, “Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*
CleanPun

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt!"

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

One Liner

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" but just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

CleanQuote

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

"Just One"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.

One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.

One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.

One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.

One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.

One life can make the difference,
You see, IT'S UP TO YOU!
- Unknown

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny,
when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face,
it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't
say you weren't warned."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

"I can't come in to work today because . . . ."

- "My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."

- "I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."

- "My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."

- "I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing fine."

- "I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I no longer own a car."

- "I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You don't want me there today. Trust me."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
It rained so hard here last night our whole town flooded. The entire city was taken by storm.
.= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

"The best defense against logic is ignorance"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

"Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

By Tammy Rosenfeldt

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently Caleb claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really - just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ And my personal favorite - the other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
List of Chores

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list
of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your
wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had
completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item
except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I
exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started
to, but just never finished."

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

"Home Early"

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"'Who threw the eraser at the teacher?'"

=======================

Rat Presentation

Rodents had overrun a posh private school near New York City. So the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc.

The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote:

Dear Mr. Ark,
Thank you for coming to my school. Until I met you, I didn't know what a rat looked like." Sincerely, Bobby Jones

======================

"At my age, I can't see the forest OR the trees."

======================

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

======================

"Proof of Identity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check. Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

======================

"If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them." -Isaac Asimov

***
"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

***
"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none." -Benjamin Franklin

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

Electrical Officer

My daughter is in the Navy and is assigned as an electrical officer
on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She
answered, "To fix electrical problems."

When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier,
she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."

////////////////////////////////
Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has
a thermos.

He asks him what it does, and the co-worker responds, "It
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes
out and buys one. The next day he goes to work and is proud
that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What
do you have in it?"

He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
////////////////////////////////

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"

////////////////////////////////
Toothpaste

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their
personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing
you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to
you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her
father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger
and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me
show you what I mean." With that the father went to the
telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who
answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial
them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a
bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed him. Now watch." The father dialed
the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the
father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called
this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here!
You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver
slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that
was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He
dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for me?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For anybody who lives in Illinois, the state lottery jackpot is now $24 million. It starts at $2 million, but it has been months since anybody has won, so it keeps rolling over.

It's odd. When the economy is bad and unemployment is up, the lottery always does well. I guess everybody who is staring at the business end of a foreclosure or who has been unemployed for 6 or 12 months starts to think that 1 in 10,000,000 are good odds. Suckers.

I should know. My numbers didn't win last weekend. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." --Jay Leno

***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving without me!" -David Letterman

***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze." -Conan O'Brien

***
Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.".

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

"Parking Space Sign Language"

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Three Little Piggies

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and awhile later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."
~@toddieC

+++++++++++++++++++++++

If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
~Yachtsman's Credo

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"On Company Time"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"You Might Be An Engineer If…"

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Ticket Explanation

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."

+++++++++++++++++++++++

"Wedding Toast to Groom"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.

At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"
________________
I just went shark-diving in the Bahamas. If you've never been to the Bahamas, imagine Fantasy Island but without the midget." -Craig Ferguson

***
"They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn't count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father's Day gift, run away." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, 'retirement savings?'" -Jimmy Fallon

***
A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
________________
At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."

________________

________________

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

"New Brain Study"

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)
Snow White Photos

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!" ~ Spider Robinson

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "The Rules of Bureaucracy"

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hard Times

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one
thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a
way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested
limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"You Know You're a Northerner When…"

~ you know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter
~ you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
~ driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow
~ you feel warm and toasty at minus 26
~ you find minus 40 a mite chilly
~ the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
~ somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it
~ you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
~ men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons
~ your dog wears boots too
~ the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
~ if you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset
~ there is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dogteams in back"
~ if the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school
~ you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Yacht Refinancing"

I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht.

Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that branch.

Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Earth's crammed with Heaven, and every common bush afire with God; but only he who sees takes off his shoes."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Stage Mothers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered is that your son?”

“No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him..”

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

Old Home

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two
elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was
concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they
could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband
confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My
husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the
house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."
************************

"Future Price of Roses"

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

************************
"Urgent Code 33"

It was April 1st, and in a small midwestern town, two rookie policemen were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio: "Code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Well, there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. A code 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and the two rookies decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them just before lunch. So they continued enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Realizing it was past noon and the dispatcher sounded frantic, they rushed across the street -- but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

************************

One Liner

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be. ~ Spike Donner from Ruminations

************************

CleanQuote

"Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it."
~ C. S. Lewis

************************

Child Leashes"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While watching my grandson's baseball game, I saw a young mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes.

She was talking with another mom about an incident that happened earlier that morning.

Her little chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people's eyes as she walked into the vet's office with her dog in her arms and her child on a leash.

All I could think was, "What's wrong with this picture!"

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

"Forced Landing"

A flight instructor was sent out to help a student who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he landed in the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the student, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the student explained, "but in order to leave room for you to land, I had the farmer tow me here."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, "I Can't Believe it's not Butter." Their theme song will be, "When the Saints Go Margarine."
~Gary Hallock

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy - it's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others."
~Groucho Marx

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Horseshoe Impression"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Missing Homework

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to
investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was
stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do,"
said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold
the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

A SENSITIVE WIFE

This gal is sitting at home alone when she hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. She asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if she is married, and if so, can he see a picture of her husband.

The gal says "sure" and shows him a picture of her husband.

The sheriff looks at the picture and says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your husband's been hit by a truck."

The gal says, "I know, but he has a great personality and is an excellent dish washer

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

The Stockbroker

The phone rang in the stockbroker's office.

"May I speak with Mr. Bradford?"

"I'm sorry. Mr. Bradford is on another line."

This is Mr. Ingram's office. We'd like to know if he's bullish or
bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife. Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
#########################
Bible Bafflement

My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible
as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order
office supplies over the phone.

When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead, "That
Nun Should Perish."

- from Tom Harrison (via Reader's Digest)
#########################
Buy a Bull

A brunette and her blonde sister had just inherited a ranch.
Deciding that they needed to buy a bull, the brunette told
her sister that she would go into town, find a bull she
liked, and if she bought it, send a telegram back telling
her sister to come pick up the bull. The blonde agreed, so
the brunette took $600 and went to town. There, she found a
bull she just loved and bought it for $599.

When she walked into the post office, the post man told her
that a telegram was a dollar per word. "But I only have one
dollar!" she exclaimed.

"Then you only get one word," he calmly replied.

After thinking long and hard, she finally decided on her
word: "Comfortable."

"Are you sure that's the word you want?" asked the postman,
puzzled.

"Yep. You don't know my sister. She's a blonde; she'll read
it really slowly and say COME-FOR-DA-BULL."
#########################
Does anybody know how to unglue a sock from the floor?

Last weekend I did a few little projects around the condo including gluing down a loose linoleum tile in the laundry room. Apparently I used a bit too much glue, because some of it squeezed out of the cracks after I had pressed the tile down.

What I did not count on is how long it takes the glue to dry, because the next night I was standing in the laundry room doing laundry, and when I tried to step away I found that my foot was glued to the floor.

And it was really stuck, too! I had to take my foot out of my sock. So now I have to figure out how to get the sock up without leaving a quarter-sized patch of white cotton in the middle of the floor.

Fortunately I was wearing socks or else I might still be standing there right now!
#########################
"A helping word to one in trouble is like a switch in a railroad track...an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity." -Henry Ward Beecher

***
"All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." -Samuel Butler

***
"All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move." -Benjamin Franklin

***
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

"Freedom Peppers"

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Today's CleanPun

Why was the Tibetan rooster unusual?

Himalayan!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
~Lucille Ball

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Animal Instincts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park
bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every
sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each
other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said,
"Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed
after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to
remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed,
said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How
soon do you have to know?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash
through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and
submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office
about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable
option by returning your approval."

###############

THIS IS A 'KEEPER' !!

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running..

2.

Strike while the

bug is close.

3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty..

7.

No news is

impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

Me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is

not much.

17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed..

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you..

###############

"Phonetic Hymn Title"

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."

###############
Mary Poppins Room Service

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''

###############

###

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
~ Mark Twain

############

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
~ Herbert Henry Asquith

###############

"Warning Signs"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."

We practically crept that half-mile.

When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

"Cold Cream Questions"

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun - Today's Market Activity

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Dr Pepper fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible."
~ George Burns

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Careless Words"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

Good morning crew,

Hot Dog, Memorial Day! Old Mason and I have plans to do a little grilling at his place, but the last weather report I saw was a little iffy. So right now I could either be outside in sunny, ninety degree weather with a beer in one hand while flipping chicken wings with the other...or I could be sitting in my apartment heating up a frozen pizza while the rain comes down in buckets.

But if you are outside today, grilling pounds of delicious cheeseburgers and mountains of sausages and drinking all of that ice cold beer, please take a minute to remember the men and women who died in the service. It's their day!

Laugh it up,
Good morning crew,

Hot Dog, Memorial Day! Old Mason and I have plans to do a little grilling at his place, but the last weather report I saw was a little iffy. So right now I could either be outside in sunny, ninety degree weather with a beer in one hand while flipping chicken wings with the other...or I could be sitting in my apartment heating up a frozen pizza while the rain comes down in buckets.

But if you are outside today, grilling pounds of delicious cheeseburgers and mountains of sausages and drinking all of that ice cold beer, please take a minute to remember the men and women who died in the service. It's their day!

Laugh it up,

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Homework Excuses"

Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.

- I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.

- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

- I'm not at liberty to say why.

- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.

- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

- It's against my religion to do any homework.

- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.

- We had homework?!

- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}
CleanPun

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle.

Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

One Liner

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." ~Ed Furgol

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

CleanQuote

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

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"Coworker Support"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my dog, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few tense moments, a technician came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir," she interjected, "are you aware of what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}
Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash
through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and
submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office
about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable
option by returning your approval."

Today's hUMOR

2011-06-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

Once we finally got all of our gear for the SCUBA dive squared away we ventured out to a place called Blue Spring State Park just outside of Deland and Deltona.

When I asked my nephew Eric why we were diving in a spring an hour's drive away versus the ocean which is a five minute drive away, he said there was a lot more to see in the spring, it's fresh water, there are all sorts of rock formations to play around in not to mention a 160 foot cavern the spring gushes out of, plus it's virtually impossible to get lost in, unlike the North Atlantic Ocean.

So I didn't argue.

What I didn't know is that the parking lot for this spring is about a half mile from the actual river. Pfft! A mere 2,600 feet. However, in the 89 degree heat of the parking lot we had to put on a full wet suit (including boots) plus the 65 pounds of equipment, and then walk to the river.

I'm not embarrassed to admit I was hating life after about five minutes of walking. The girlfriend immediately abandoned me, walking about 20 yards ahead, leaving me to plod along behind.

But it was worth a little misery. The water is a chilly 73 degrees, gushing out of an aquifer about a hundred feet below the surface, and 73 degrees feels wonderful when your core body temperature is about a hundred and four.

The spring itself is pretty small, maybe half a acre, but it is the depth that is the real attraction. At the bottom of the pond is a crevice that goes down about 160 feet. While we were sitting in only a few feet of water at the edge of the pond the dive instructor was giving us some important last minute instructions.

"Remember not to go below 40 feet or you'll die," he said helpfully. "And once your down there remember not to swim straight back to the surface or you'll get an embolism and you'll die.

"If for any reason your air stops flowing find your dive buddy and use his alternate regulator, because if you swim straight to the surface you'll die. And make sure you equalize the pressure in your ears while you're going down, because if you don't your ear drums will explode and you'll die. Oh...and try not to bump your air tank into any rocks or it might explode and you'll die. Okay, everybody ready to have some fun? Let's go!"

By this time I was pretty much in a state or mortal terror.

The girlfriend, who apparently hadn't listened to a word of the safety lecture, swam straight to the cave and disappeared into the depths while I sat in five feet of water and hyper-ventilated into my regulator.

After five minutes I saw the dive instructor's head pop up and he swam over to give me the 'A-okay' sign, asking if I was alright. He managed to coax me into about ten feet of water where I sat testing and re-testing my regulator and buoyancy compensator, waiting for some malfunction to make my head explode.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Salesman Visit

One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and Mrs. Jones
came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."

"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty
finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any problem ... He's the one with the beard and mustache."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

"The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Hellman's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

One Liner

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." - Mark Twain

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

CleanQuote

"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." - C. S. Lewis

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"Real Skill"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@
23rd Psalm

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the
23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed
disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will
follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness
and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like
Shirley following me around all the time."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

"One Rifle Hunting"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober

Three goobers went away on a hunting trip.

Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each take turns hunting.

The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned. He came back with a raccoon.

The other goobers were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.

The second goober thought that this was going to be easy, so he headed out. After a short time, he came back with a bear. The other two goobers asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third goober thought that this was so easy, even he could do it. He left ... and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other goobers asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks ... got hit by train."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun - Patient Wake Up

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe." ~Jimmy Durante

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Job Impressions"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

"Speech Flirt"

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.

During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Plumber's Sign

Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

One Liner

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Frantic Writing"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Intercom Repair

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him
that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about
filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Baseball

I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it
getting larger and larger?"

Then it hit me.
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Telemarketers

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to
turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I
don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows
"Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've
got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so
the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that ..."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do
you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell
them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

(click
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Boy, Officer and Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "whatever you do to
that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to
you."

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im
go."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

"Ring Appraisal"

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if
she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

"These Texas women are tough!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

Electrician's Truck

Seen on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

+++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx

+++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

"A member of my staff asked me when I was going to retire.

I said, 'When I can no longer hear the sound of laughter.'

He said, 'That never stopped you before.'"
~Bob Hope

+++++++++++++++++++++

"Preparing for Parenthood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a
mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between
25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he
join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor
directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across
the room. "What chart?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.

"What wall?"

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked
his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but
your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson! Welcome to
the Army son."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Company Examination

A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus
station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady
who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your
life, a person you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take
one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain
your answer.

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you
should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once
saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you
may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did
not have to explain his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the
old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the
person of my dreams."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Touch of Home

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a
touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee,
explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat
rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good
thing she's not from Idaho."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

"Morning Sickness"

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.

"I'm just sick of mornings."

()()())()()()()()()()

Official ID Card

My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange
tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove
through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID
card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started
flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license,
just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of
toast.

()()())()()()()()()()

"What's Good Tonight"

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

()()())()()()()()()()
Optometrist's Sign

See on a sign at an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

()()())()()()()()()()

One Liner

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." ~ Mark Twain

()()())()()()()()()()

CleanQuote

"My main problem with reading books is getting past the idea that the author knows more about the subject than I do." ~ James L. Smith (Grandpa)

()()())()()()()()()()

"Stubborn Problem"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me
because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .'

My brother, Dan, the driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . '

Not looking up from her knitting Dan’s wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. '

As the officer writes out the ticket, Dan looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? '

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? '

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks, ' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '

'Only when he's been drinking, officer! '

############

Driving Around

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this
morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this man
in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his
rear view mirror ... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's
halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

############

"One Carton and Six Eggs"

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

############

CleanPun - Tire Shop Sign

Seen on a sign a a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

############

One Liner

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge

############

CleanQuote

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

############

"Vice Principal Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"

"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."

############

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

CleanPun - Towing Sign

Seen on a sign at a Towing Company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

$$$$$$$$$$$$

One Liner

"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."

$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"I prefer to sit on my own gate and whistle my own tune."
~ Charles Spurgeon

$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Kids on the Bible"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- The epistles were wives of the apostles.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-23T14:38:00.001-07:00

"It Pays to Read Labels"

I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

Wise Guys

Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a
well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the
Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled,
"That's Because We Missed the Last exit."

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University
of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this
notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next
to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
##############
Where's the Paper?

"Have you seen this morning's paper?"

"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it."

"But I hadn't seen it yet!"

"You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
##############
It's a Girl

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me
at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down
all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my
co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she
weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the
calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

"Project Picture"

My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

++++++++++++++++++++++

Taxidermist's Sign

Seen on a Taxidermist's sign: "We really know our stuff."

++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"Each year a healthy adult male consumes one and one-half times his weight in other peoples patience."
~John Updike

++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

"Whatever God did and was able to do and willing to do at any time, God is able and willing to do again, within the framework of His will."
~ A. W. Tozer

++++++++++++++++++++++

"Car Accident Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Courtroom Oops

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Library Confusion

The college football player knew his way around the locker room
better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the
gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she
could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." -Jay Leno

***
"I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself."
-Dave Letterman

***
"There is a company in Los Angeles that's selling a bottle of water for $2,600. You know what's just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water." -Jimmy Fallon

***
While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we homeschooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, "No, I also work... but out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me and said, "You don't get out much, do you?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

Raise

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of
this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a
raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I
decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is
just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the
current economic downturn has had a negative impact on
sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard
work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a
decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I
don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you
a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies
were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the
Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson

***
"The Journal of Animal Ethics says that it's insulting to call animals 'pets,' and they should be called 'animal companions.' They say 'pet' is the most insulting thing you could call an animal, except in North Korea, where they're called 'dinner.'" -Jay Leno

***
"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon

***
On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you hink that blouse is awfully low-cut?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old
rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy
new vehicles there. I announced to the other guests that
they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had
requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we
had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he,
too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a
friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.

Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little
joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.
He was driving a Rolls-Royce.
&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^
Marathon

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is
hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot
worse tomorrow."

He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3
days, you're going to think you had fun today."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-17T16:57:00.000-07:00

"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving
a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby!
You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine."
-Jimmy Fallon

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive,
and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer
was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the
woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby
and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed,
"Every time."

()()()()()()()
Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son
to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to
put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

()()()()()()

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

"The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at
airport security. People say 2-year-olds can't be
terrorists - unless you're sitting next to one on a flight."
-Jay Leno

***

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She'll
get the house in Malibu and he'll be moving back to Skull
Island." -David Letterman

***

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for
two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a life-
time of...the same." -Craig Ferguson

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Flag Pin

I was touring a British naval vessel, wearing my American flag lapel
pin. As I asked the tour guide a question, he called out, "Sir, you
are in distress!"

I was greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag on my
lapel was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.

I fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to
turn the flag 90 degrees. "Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being
boarded by pirates."

(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant.
Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard
look at the potato, called the waitress over and said,
"This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place,
picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate,
then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant.
Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard
look at the potato, called the waitress over and said,
"This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place,
picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate,
then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son
to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to
put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

It Started With An iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got
him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very
happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod
Touch.

September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an
iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be
integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and
iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

**********************

Marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet
hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person
responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be
the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man.
"How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," was the reply. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
**********************

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

****************

It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn,
and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left
turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair
order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove
bowling ball from trunk."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

It All Comes Back Around

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter,
"sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn
once, by mistake."

***

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most com-
fortable with. One genius answered, "I've always thought
Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

***

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening
up right in her neighborhood. "How convenient," she said. "I
can walk to it!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A 93-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man have become the
world's oldest newlyweds. After a brief honeymoon, they plan
to reside in heaven." -Craig Ferguson

After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps
on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.

"That's serious," says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers
get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes," says the man nervously.

"Well," says the doctor: "You've got brothel sprouts."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Shaking Hands

"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

Bus Home

I was out at a bar, celebrating the weekend. At the end of the
evening, I was totally wasted and decided to take a bus home. I
arrived home safe and warm, which surprised me because I had never
driven a bus before.

()()()()()()()()()()()()

It Depends

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your
parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Memento

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

()()()()()()()()()()()()

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
“Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery”
“Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week”
“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

"Shoe Follow"

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

##################

Podiatrist's Sign

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

##################

One Liner

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose."

##################

CleanQuote

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
~ C. S. Lewis

##################

The English Professor

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his
class and noticed that one of his students had fallen
asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book
spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's
skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

##################

Warning Signs

For our anniversary one year, my in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set. It was a top-of-the-line premium set of cutlery.
The cutting board that they had purchased to complete the set, however, was a different matter altogether.
Imprinted on the packaging was the following warning: “Opening with sharp object may damage this product.”

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Didn't See That Coming

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during
the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of
punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic
on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed
her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic,
the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her
mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Help Changing a Tire

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a
tire alongside the highway, and he pulled over to see
whether he could help. The man had a very red face and a
dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty
hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar was askew,
and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his
once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat
woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot
of tires ... maybe I can help here."

"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily.
"My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the
arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I
can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Impartiality

A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was
nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As
a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was
clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury.

"The jury," he began, "is to convene in the guilty room."

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

Scrubbing Bulkheads

I was scrubbing a bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning
when the loud-speaker announced:

"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue
all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily
routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was told.
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.
Back came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two
rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two
apples and two apples and another two apples, how many
apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits
and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two
rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

Funny Messages
- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would
have smelled like.

- Crime doesn't pay; does that mean my job is a crime?

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going
slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than
you is a maniac?

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint
department at the parachute packing plant.

- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

- Never forget that you're unique, just like everyone else.

- I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results
were negative.

- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.

- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why
practice?

- Born free. Taxed to death.
++++++++++++++++++++++

"Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1"

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanPun

Two frogs were sitting on a lily pad.

One said to the other, "Time sure is fun when you are having flies!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Getting Rid of the Monsters"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2"

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

"Signs of the Times"

In a Vet's Office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"

Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun

"Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - the loose nut behind the steering wheel"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Give Tech Support a Break"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

This technician's company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p. m., the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.

At least that's how it's supposed to work.

"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" technician says.

He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says there's no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again -- they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.

"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says our tech. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."

But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."

Satellite company's technician doesn't know what happened and doesn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells our tech.

"We could find out those numbers eventually," he figures.

"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.

"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" he asks.

"Right", says the satellite tech.

"So to summarize," says our tech glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

Medical Error

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist
often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the
hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So,
tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Men's Thesaurus"

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun

"Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. "

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"An optimist is the human personification of spring."
~Susan J. Bissonette

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

"Kids and Cliches"

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a real mess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear but homework.

- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

- We have nothing to fear but our principal.

- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

- I think, therefore I get a headache.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

- There is nothing new under the bed.

- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

****************************
Groaner: Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her
car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of
dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was
for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up
one of my tires."
***************************
CleanPun

Cholesterophobia: The fear of frying.

****************************

One Liner

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything."

****************************

CleanQuote

"How strange that Nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude!"
~ Emily Dickinson

****************************

"I Wish I Was a Bear"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.

I wish I were a bear.

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

Good morning crew,

The girlfriend and I were sitting around after lunch Sunday
afternoon and discussing what to do with the rest of the
day.

"How about a movie?" I suggested.

"A movie? On such a gorgeous day? Why don't we go horseback
riding?"

"Sorry. I am not climbing on the back of a fifteen hundred
pound animal that is not smart enough not to kill me if it
gets startled by a car horn or something."

"Don't be such a sissy," she criticized. "The horses they
give beginners are very tame. Besides, it's fun!"

I stared at her with as straight a face as I could manage
and said, "I don't see how you can be so cavalier about
getting on a horse."

ZING!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast
beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned
it, and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of
the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the
way that her mother had done it.

That night Grandma came to dinner and the little girl and
her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of
the roast before cooking. After some thought, Grandma
replied that it was the way her mother had done it.

Now the great-grandmother was quite old and in a nursing
home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to
see her and again asked the question.

Great-Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it
would fit in the pan, of course."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Federal Government Golf Rules

President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in November 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.

The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.

Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do".

Today's hUMOR

2011-05-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

"Side Effects of a Life in Comedy"

Side Effects of a Life in Comedy

* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.

* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.

* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"

* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.

* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.

* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.

* You have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."

* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.

* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.

* Everything tastes funny.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Police Academy

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth
interview with the Police Academy Board who would
determine her suitability as a candidate.

The first situation they presented to her was: "On
routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive
speed, with undue care and attention. You pull it over and
discover that the driver is your brother. What do you do?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"

She was accepted.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of "(D) none
of the above," it said "(D) one of the above." So I circled
it.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"College Applicant"

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.

"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Garden Theft

"Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"Jealousy is all the fun you think they have."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-30T17:42:00.000-07:00

"Dextrocardia Question"

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Excavating Burial Ground

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.

One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"

The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One Liner

"The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CleanQuote

"Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Does Prayer Change Things?"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

They say that prayer changes things, but does it REALLY change anything?
Oh yes! It really does!

Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances?
No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events.

Does prayer change your financial future?
No, not always, but it does change who you look to for meeting your daily needs.

Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies?
No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort.

Does prayer change your wants and desires?
No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires!

Does prayer change how you view the world?
No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through.

Does prayer change your regrets from the past?
No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future!

Does prayer change the people around you?
No, not always, but it will change you - the problem isn't always in others.

Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain?
Oh, yes, always! And it will change you from the inside out!

So does prayer REALLY change ANYTHING?
Yes! It REALLY does change EVERYTHING!

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he
had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road
and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would
call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he
come on his own?"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Daily News

A man would buy a newspaper on the way to work every day,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.

Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally
the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do
you always buy a paper and only look at the front page
before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the
newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the man I'm looking for will be on
the front page."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Attractive

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article
about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who
was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the
biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

At the Bank

I had just finished my dental appointment when I decided to stop at
my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry
about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."

"You should have used the drive-through," she said.

"Why?"

"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Drum Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and
loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter
what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to
do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to
make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning
was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist
nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred
activity and should be carried out only on special
occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for
their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the
neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger
through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation
exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective
motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a
hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the
drum?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he
had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road
and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would
call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he
come on his own?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

Clumsy Ad Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray
will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

#####################

"A Few Fishing Definitions"

HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")

LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.

REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.

TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.

###################

CleanPun

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group?
Answer: Just look for the grey hares.

######################

One Liner

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work."

####################

CleanQuote

"A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."

###################

"The Deeds Undone"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

It isn't the thing you do, friend, it's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun:
The tender words unspoken, the letter you did not write,
The flowers you might have sent, are your haunting ghosts at night.

The stone you might have lifted, out of a dear friend's way,
The bit of heart-some counsel you were hurried too much to say:
The loving touch of a helping hand, the gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for, with troubles enough of your own.

These little acts of kindness, so easily out of mind,
These chances to be angels, which even mortals find.
They come in night and silence, each chill reproachful wraith,
When hope is faint and flagging, and a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, friend, and sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion, that tarries until too late.
So, it's not the things you do, it's the deeds you leave undone,
Which gives you a bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun.
- Bertha A. Lawson

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

"Important Political Decisions"

As a recent high-school graduate, I traveled to our state capitol and got to visit the house floor.

I stood there, thinking how difficult it must be for the people in that room to wrestle with important decisions that affect so many citizens.

It was then that I spied, sitting on one representative's desk, a Magic 8-Ball

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

The Tooth Fairy

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter
suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand,
she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation
for why I was putting the money under her
pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her
next words let me off the hook. "You put that
money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth
Fairy left that for ME!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Tooth Fairy

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter
suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand,
she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation
for why I was putting the money under her
pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her
next words let me off the hook. "You put that
money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth
Fairy left that for ME!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Blue Eyes

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer
asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make
her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand
out if you tie it tight enough."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

Great Cheese

A customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into
the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.
Ours is imported!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Beautiful Name Tag"

Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."

"Is that really your name?" I asked her.

"No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanPun

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
~Fred Allen

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

One Liner

"If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up, if I'd known that so much of adulthood is ad-libbed."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Self-Righteous Perceptions"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

"Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3"

11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

King Arthur's Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight

~ Sir Pass - Arthur's best knight of all

~ Sir Port - A great help to all the other knights

~ Sir Culation - A knight who got around a bit - popular at parties

~ Sir Prise - the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected

~ Sir Vey - a watchful knight

~ Sir Monise - a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort

~ Sir Cuitous - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions

~ Sir Cumflex - a knight with a strange accent

~ Sir Cumvent - the evasive knight

~ Sir Reen - a calm and cheerful knight

~ Sir Spicious - a paranoid knight

~ Sir Real - a vague and insubstantial knight

~ Sir Cumstances - a knight whose fault it never was

Then there were the non identical twins - Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice - the longest and shortest knights.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"At my age, forget all the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all."
~ James Thurber

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Brighten Your Corner"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

We cannot all be famous
or be listed in "Who's Who",
But every person, great or small,
has important work to do.

For seldom do we realize
the importance of small deeds,
Or to what degree of greatness
unnoticed kindness leads.

For it's not the big celebrity
in a world of fame and praise,
But it's doing unpretentiously
in an undistinguished way

The work that God assigned to us,
unimportant as it seems,
That makes our task outstanding,
and brings reality to dreams.

So do not sit and idly wish
for wider, new dimensions
where you can put into practice
your many good intentions.

But at the spot God placed you
begin at once to do,
Little things to brighten up
the lives surrounding you.

If everybody brightened up
the spot where they're standing,
By being more considerate,
and a little less demanding,

This dark old world would very soon
eclipse the evening star,
If everybody brightened up
the corner where they are!
- Author Unknown

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

"Laboratory Cells"

My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Rolex and Timex

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"A procrastinator's work is never done."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Eat Chocolate?

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So ... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3
months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday,
the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to
tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions,
while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon
Mobile and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." -Jimmy Kimmel

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against
his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident
that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your
wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-
ified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the
wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the
midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in
the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Math Class

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all
year -- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What
portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat,
and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man
passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a
few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tax Code

The U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are
little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday
in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code.

Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an
existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it
is not terminated."

I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as
alive if he or she is not dead.

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

"Watch Your Hat and Overcoat"

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.
The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if
they can get in before they get out. If they get out before
they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get
in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before
they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in
and the team in goes out to get those going in out before
they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is
over. The team with the most in without being out before
coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case,
the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they
get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins
out but one team has more in without being out before coming
in.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Loose Fitting Clothing"

April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Archaeologists will date any old thing"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Pay attention, boy. I'm cutting but you ain't bleeding." ~ Foghorn Leghorn

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Family Devotions Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.

When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

"Vow Changes"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

@@@@@@@@@@

"Tub Baptism"

A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."

@@@@@@@@@@

CleanPun

"When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate."

@@@@@@@@@@

One Liner

"One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him."

@@@@@@@@@@

CleanQuote

"The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map."

@@@@@@@@@@

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hot Fudge?

I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked
for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The
hot fudge only comes in one temperature."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Tax Collectors

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under
his arm.

"Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman.

"Of course," says the barman.

"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator
will have a tax collector."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

Mom's Fish

I took my mother on a fishing excursion yesterday. Nobody was having
any luck. After drifting for hours without so much as a nibble, who
should hook into one but my Mom.

Everyone on the boat was excited, cheering the old woman on and
telling her to take her time.

Finally she lifted the fish into the boat, picked it up, removed the
hook, looked at it up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.

I was stunned. I said, "Mom, why did you throw that fish back into the water?"

"I don't know. To me it just didn't look fresh."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Solid to Gas"

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).

A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

You can rate this joke at:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CleanPun

"I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever."

"Sounds like a virus."

"Everyone in the office has it."

"Well then, maybe it's a staff infection."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One Liner

"Red meat is not bad for you - it's green fuzzy meat that's bad for you"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CleanQuote

"There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose time has come."
~Victor Hugo

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ATMs

For most men:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card, and receipt

For some women:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least two minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel three miles
41. Release hand brake

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Why Did ...

Why did the reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
He wanted a scoop.

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
He was feeling a little funny.

Why did the boy take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack.

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!

Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?
They were tired of working for peanuts.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

"Makeup Routine"

Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"

&&&&&&&&&&

"The Law of Parenthood"

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

Baseball umpires want salary hikes.
The response from the owners is, "Yikes!
Can't afford increased pay."
So the union does say,
"Then our recourse is calling more strikes."
~ Kirk Miller

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?"

The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, "How much of a wait?"

The hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready."

&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? "

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted"

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? "

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"A church member waiting to be asked to serve in his own church is just like the member of a family waiting to be invited to pull weeds in front of the house where he lives."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

"Overdue at the Movies"

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

My niece told all her little friends with pride that she had seen a man-eating shark at the aquarium, to which one of them replied, "That's nothing! I saw a man eating shrimp at Long John Silver's."
~Charles Wukasch

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

What if God Had Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary
part of modern life. But have you wondered what would happen
if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and
hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one
of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will
be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on
the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, Press 1
Jesus, Press 2
The Holy Spirit, Press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you
are holding, please press 4.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her social security number, and then
press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try
area code 666.)

For reservations at "My Father's House," please enter
J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark
is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed
for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray
again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance
when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.

Thank God He doesn't have voice mail and that He listens
when we pray!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
World's Thinnest Books

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ACTING by Keanu Reeves

HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH

THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

Dig a Hole

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet
deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and
explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be
needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem.
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole
without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and
explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these
days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to
dig that hole deeper!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&
A Wrinkle in Time

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've
hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college
-- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way
of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for
public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily
grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man
fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked
"So, was he a Viking?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

"According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve
of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once
they graduate and try to find a job." -Jay Leno

                            ***

"Last year, Chewbacca threw out the first pitch for opening
day. He was 'Wookiee of the Year.'" -Craig Ferguson

                            ***

"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after
it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded
with enough food for exactly 23 years.'" -Jimmy Fallon

In the Band

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South
Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals
who arrived on our base.

One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the
radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon,
he sent us scrambling to the flight line with
instruments.

One of the musicians had also heard the radio
announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered
conference. When they returned, the officer told us the
performance was canceled. There was no arriving general.

We had almost played for the weather forecast.

                          ***

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Trip to the Park

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa
Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that
he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over
30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris
whispered, "I wasn't lost ... I was just too tired to walk home."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Case of the Flu

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his
doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he
became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't
see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have
your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

I sit in a little cubicle farm with six women and Steve
from The Daily Groaner. Okay, six and a half women. Any-
way, I've always felt like a bit of an outsider because
I could never understand most of their conversations, but
I think I may have finally figured it out.

I feel like Jane Goodall when she was finally able to
communicate with the gorillas in their unspoken language.
I understand it now.

It revolves largely around four principal topics, those
being; What day is it? What are we having for lunch? When
are we leaving for lunch? And, What is on TV tonight.

Combinations of these four interrogatives comprises the
bulk of the conversations that occur between the women in
the office.

Now that I understand the way the tribe communicates I can
begin decoding their language. And if I find out that they
are really only discussing what day it is, what they are
having for lunch and what is on TV tonight I am going to be
really upset.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

Absent-Minded Lawyers

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"

Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"

Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"

Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"

Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."

Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"

Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"

Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

*********

Absent-Minded Professor

An absent-minded professor was on board a train and he was unable to find his ticket.

The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket.

The conductor said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

**********

Accents

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

**********

The Accident

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

"First Salute"

The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"How's Business?" asked the bystander.
Said the street cleaner, "Things are picking up."

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Common sense isn't."

&&&&&&&&&&

Today's hUMOR

2011-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

&&&&&&&&&&

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

&&&&&&&&&&

No Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper
that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not
into temptation.'"

Today's hUMOR

2011-03-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

"Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"At the awards show, the movie star's new and outrageous hairdo became the mane attraction."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? "

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
~ E.E. Cummings (In "Selected Letters," 1955)

Today's hUMOR

2011-03-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Bakery Robbery

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a
gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register.

"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

*****
Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton
and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied,
"One."
*****.
Toilet Seat

I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a
suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

Today's hUMOR

2011-03-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

"Morning Kiss"

A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

*****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

*****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

*****

CleanQuote

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it."
~Margaret Thatcher

*****

As my grandfather was always dropping pearls on me. One of
the gems he gave me was, "TZ, marry a woman with small
hands. It makes your dick look bigger." But the one that
just popped into my head is, "TZ, getting old ain't for
pussies." And lately, as I feel the effects of 47 years of
crawling around on this dirt, I've come to appreciate his
wisdom.

I've been suspecting that I'm getting old, but something
just happened to prove it. I walked into the office,
sarcastically thanked our tri-athlete IT guy for the donuts
he brought in, told the other IT guy that we were going to
nail him to a cross for a mistake he made causing the email
system to send duplicate order confirmation emails out to
a bunch of our customers, then told the head of customer
service that I would bang her for two hours to make up for
the extra telephone calls the IT guy's mistake caused. No,
that's not what made me feel old. That's all just part of a
normal day.

What made me feel old is when I sat down into my chair I sat
on my own balls.

Jumpingly,

TZ

*****

Today's hUMOR

2011-03-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

"Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies"

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

**********

"Accountancy Exam"

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!

**********

CleanPun

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn't even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, "I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"

**********

One Liner

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

**********

CleanQuote

"What if God is asking us for a sign?"